Am I Dreaming?

There are many ways to come at life. Lately, I have been taking it in leaps and bounds. Life has never seemed dull to me, but there have certainly been times when it feels like it has crawled by at a snail's pace. I recently got engaged; I didn't even realize how much that would change me. My relationship with Ray has been fantastic, and it just got even better. Getting engaged obviously signifies a deeper commitment, and that commitment has fostered conversations that have opened both of our hearts in new ways. We sit up late at night like we are having a slumber party, just talking and laughing and learning about each other. Suddenly I see this new future ahead of me, a bright light on the horizon of my life. Don't get me wrong, I obviously saw a wonderful future with Ray before we got engaged. However, there has been a black cloud that shrouded my heart, a kind of dark fog that I never envisioned being able to shake off. Memory can be a cruel trickster, drawing us into a fantasy that we do not want to let go of. I have felt a lot of guilt about being happy with someone else. I have worried that my love for Ray would somehow diminish my love for Kevin. In reality, they are two separate entities. Truly, one fostered the capacity for the other.

There are still times when I realize that I am forgetting what it felt like to be in Kevin's arms, to hear his voice, to know him as well as I knew myself. As we move forward more and more I find myself dreaming of Ray, leaning on his shoulder when I cry, breathing in his scent for comfort, and I can't help but be happy again. I look at Ray and all I can think about is how grateful I am to have him in my life. God has truly opened my heart again, and love is every bit as powerful this time around. I have to say, Ray is definitely his own man, and not in any way a shadow of Kevin. He is not threatened by Kevin's memory and he does not shy away from my need to talk about the past. What I didn't realize was that in my desire to protect my right to grieve I was also protecting against truly opening up my heart. God has been working on me, guiding me and whispering in my ear. The change is ineffable, yet here I am trying to nail it down. All I can say is that I have confidence in my future now. I am happy . . . excited . . . even GIDDY about it! How did this happen? How is it that God lead me beyond the valley of the shadow of death? If I have already lived a lifetime in my thirty years, what more is possible in the next sixty? I don't know, but I do believe it is worth finding out.