Sand and Stone

There are some days that I truly feel I have built my house upon the sand. The winds have kicked up and out from under me, all around me, crashing in Divine fury as my house is about to tumble down. It is my own fault, a domino effect brought about by each pillar that I have erected, side by side, in a precarious game on the verge of toppling everything I thought I was working toward. The past few weeks has felt like a lifetime. A week before Christmas I had reached the culmination of a mental metamorphosis that God had started in my heart and spread to the furthest corners of my brain. I knew that I had not been living my life the way I should, that I had pushed my own knowledge, instincts and morals to a tiny nut-sized shell behind my ribs and promptly ignored the dull pain it caused until it erupted into bigger problems. The thing is, from the outside most people wouldn't see the issue that I had with my life at this point. I have been dating the most amazing man, living with him successfully since September, working hard at my job, keeping afloat with my daughter, and all the while talking a good game about how it felt. Meanwhile, I knew better.

I struggle with depression, fibromyalgia (fatigue, chronic pain, foggy thinking, etc.), anxiety and a million other things. This combination of issues has brought me to the brink of my capacity many times. I hate the pain and I feel so alone in my exhaustion and sadness. I get the feeling that other people think I cry too much or make uncomfortable jokes. It is hard to feel like I am always pulling in, trying to reserve my strength but losing touch with everyone as a consequence. Ray has been one of the few people that doesn't flinch when I get so raw, and instead holds me closer. I have lived through a lot and learned a lot, but never have I been as humbled as I am right now/ I realized that I have been holding back so much from Ray, waiting with a sense of uncertainty that had nothing truly to do with him. The thing is, memory is a deceptive beast that I am haunted by. One of the reasons I am thankful that I have kept a journal is that it brings me back to the emotions of the moment. There were a lot of hard times with Kevin and my mind has done a good job of editing them. Unconsciously, I was holding my perception of my relationship with Ray up to the shining example of a love lost, an impossible memory that was nothing like the reality. As I came across journal entries from my time with Kevin I realized it was always complicated, even though we truly loved each other, and we still had to fight to stay together. Ray is the kind of man that will fight for me, always. He is an independent person, used to relying on himself, which I think was hard for me. I had been somewhat trained to feel loved because I was needed. I am not phrasing this very well. I am still wrapping my own head around it. I suddenly realize that I have no reason to hold back with Ray. It's scary, but also fantastic and wonderful. How did this happen? When did I fall so deeply in love?

So, here I am with a new purpose and a renewed sense of faith. I am struggling to allow God to give me the grace that I certainly don't deserve. There have been decisions in my life that I am not proud of, humble moments that only God has truly seen. The word sin has been blown apart, leaving a deep aching for grace that I think I somehow must initiate. It seems to simple just to ask for it, just to receive it. It seems that I must work for it, somehow examine my heart and sweep out every little speck until it is ready to receive grace. Even though the very essence of grace defies my logic, I continue to pretend that my mind and body are somehow capable of manufacturing it, like a magic elixer. So, each day I am purposely asking God to help me let go of the past, to experience the happiness of stable love, and to feel the entirety of His sweet grace. I was raised to believe I had the keys to determine right from wrong, black from white, etc. Like all humans before me, I grew up and learned that nothing is as simple as it seems. I continue to fall into sinful traps that put me in the position to see the other side of the line I had so definitively drawn. Though my house has come tumbling down, I realize that beneath the sand there is a bed of rock, a solid place that cradles me and as long as I hold to God's hand cupped above me, I know I won't be blown to nothing.