The Big "W" (Widow Vs. Wife)

I am in the midst of change, but then again, aren't we all? Sometimes, I feel as though when Kevin died I sucked dry all of the avenues of help that I had been given in a lifetime. No saving this or that sympathy for a later trial in life; it all went into keeping me afloat when I lost him. So many arms reached out to pull me up, to take the burdens that they could, and to stop me from being swallowed whole by the tragedy that would define so much of who I am today. I hate that Kevin turned into this one thing, this big black hole that I fell into. It is hard for me to analyze the life I had with Kevin with any type of certainty or clarity. I know that I had so many happy times with him, but what about the angry times? What were our fights like (before the fight for his life)? Were we really ever two kids in love? It is all so convoluted now and I don't know how to sort through it. In some ways I feel as though my current life is held up to the standard of that other life, the life before widowhood. Widow is this word that has also swallowed me, and I don't want to let go of it! However, I feel like a widow gets to live out her life quietly, with dignity and quiet repose. A widow doesn't have to keep fighting for life! A widow can sit and cry alone, but she can't go out and laugh with friends, and she certainly does not remarry. Now that I'm in love again, officially, I probably shouldn't cry as much, right? Well perhaps I don't cry as much., but I still cry. Cry isn't even the right word -- I weep, I grieve, I wail.

Ray is very patient, and certainly he appreciates that I feel things so deeply. He has told me before that although he doesn't have a lot of respect for Kevin (given the damage he left behind) he still loves that I speak of Kevin with love and respect. He says it shows more of who I am than who he was. It is odd for me to heart that, because somewhere in my head I have always believed that if Kevin and Ray were to meet outside of this situation, they might have been best of friends. I have the overwhelming sense that Kevin sees Ray, and perhaps, had a hand in bringing us together. At the very least I feel as though Kevin would approve. He would be relieved to see me smile like I mean it (to steal a line from The Killers). However, there is no denying that for the past four and a half years I have been "Kevin's Widow" and "Mrs. Henry," yet by the end of the year I will be "Ray's Wife" and "Mrs. Pace." Just like I fought the notion of giving up the title "wife" for "widow,"now I cling as reverently as ever to the latter.

I am definitely working on building a life again. I am trying to balance these two lives side by side. There is no need to have a split personality, but I have to work out the balance all over again. The happiness I feel when I am with Ray is challenged by the guilt I can feel when I am by myself. Sometimes, I just want to suspend time while I am in Ray's arms and let myself feel irrevocably happy again. I want to steal back some of the innocence that was lost when death came knocking in my life. When I talk to other people who are working through grief, I realize that my situation isn't nearly so unique as it feels to be. No matter how old people get, they still feel like an orphan when their parent dies. My Grandma N. was widowed twice, and the second time around wasn't any easier. If you love someone and lose them, it will forever change you. I keep my good friend from churches words of wisdom at the forefront of my mind, "Life won't ever be the same, but it can be good again."

Right now, life is good again and I am holding onto the moments that remind me of the joy of living. For a long time it was singular moments that barely strung together the hours of my day: cuddling with my daughter, gabbing with my mother, out enjoying the sunshine with my mother-in-law, or an unexpected call or email from a good friend. Now, the moments of grief are fewer and further between, and the things that make me happy wrap around me and hold me tight. All I know right now is that God is good, life is good, and I am thankful for the person that these two elements are shaping me to be.