My Renaissance

Life definitely hasn't slowed down at all. It seems like December brings by old friends to say hello and catch up. I am a big fan of Christmas cards, mostly because it reminds me of how big the network of humanity is, with fingers stretching outward into every corner of the world. I have always loved winter and Christmas, but this year it seems like I am overflowing with blessings. I have started going to church again consistently. I didn't really think about it coinciding with the Christmas season, but now I realize that Christmas is precisely the time that I needed to come back "into the fold." Our sermon last Sunday was on how people can live their whole lives within earshot of the "Good News" and still miss the experience of it. There were several testimonies of people who either grew up with a vague sense of being a Christian that never defined itself or people who grew up with no concept of it. They all talked about the difference between believing with your heart versus believing in your head. What interested me was that I am someone who has lived the former. I have felt the true and sincere love of God, the comfort of knowing I have a Savior and the sheer joy of getting the enormity of my ability to have a one on one relationship with God. The difference is that I had left behind that life and that Truth. I remember the sensation of knowing Christ is in my heart, but I haven't actually felt it in a long time.

For me, knowing my faith in my heart came when I was eighteen. It was incredibly vivid and powerful, overwhelming me in a way that made me want to run shouting in the streets that I had found true joy. It is not surprising that what pushed me to that point of discovery was heartache. I had briefly dated someone my senior year of high school that totally changed my life. It was a short romance, and in the big scheme of things it seems absurd to admit it affected me so profoundly. I had become re-involved in my church's youth group and, subsequently, fell in love with a tall, quiet, tender guy. He was the son of missionaries, a leader in the Church's adult and young adult music teams, and someone I was totally unprepared for. We were both incredibly quiet but just by chance we got stranded together and began a conversation that ended with a mutual sense of companionship. He just got me, and I got him, and it was the most beautiful thing. I won't rehash the whole story now with all of the flush of love that I felt then and still feel now. Instead, I will say that God had other purposes for us and sent us down different paths. It was at that time that I was involved enough in church to want to keep going and not be so caught up in this guy that I couldn't be mindful of what was going on around me.
God woke me up! As Keith Green wrote, "Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed, until your Love broke through. " Suddenly, while I was nursing the most broken of hearts, I found this great love that God has for me (for us all). I would stay up late at night and journal furiously about missing this guy, and suddenly it wasn't so much that I was crying out to God as it was I was crying out to God!

The night of my true conversion is seared into my memory, sealed with the ineffable security of God's hand and will. It was late at night and raining, so I opened my window to hear the splatter of water hitting the trees and the ground below. I started to pray out loud for him, and suddenly I felt a gust of wind sweep into my window. I closed my eyes and I could smell the fresh rain and brisk air. I have always loved rain and thunderstorms, and that smell was so pure that I kept my eyes closed as I started to pray out loud. I was crying, feeling alone and confused, when suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I could feel God's presence in my tiny yellow room, His arms around me, His breath by my ear. I started to laugh because it became so obvious that He had been there all along. It was as if I had been stumbling around with a hood over my eyes and just realized that the lamp I was always blindly bumping into was actually God all along. Since last Sundays sermon got me thinking I have been itching to re-write this experience and see how it might come back to me. Memory is such a tricky thing. However, I REMEMBER that pure, honest, raging, fierce Love that surrounded me and changed my life.

It was only a couple of months later when I walked into a group at a new church and met my Kevin. For better or worse, God had needed me to prepare myself to meet Kevin, to love him, to build a life with him, to marry him, to have his child, and to become his widow. That makes it sound dark, but I am suddenly reminded of all the plans God has put into action for me. It has been so long since I have given myself over to Him to feel that love. I am tortured by all of the things I have to "do" in this world. I walk around with an amazing amount of anxiety, shame, fear, sadness and loneliness. I feel as though I am either carrying out God's plan or I am wasting my life avoiding it. I think that the heart of my problem has taken a big step forward. Initially, the problem was that I need to put God first, and that is still my true goal, but before that can happen I need to put God in control. I need to let go of my part of things for a little bit. I can trust that He will lead me to where I need to be if I just let him take the reigns. I know that there is a time in life to take charge and boldly follow God's plan, but there are also those times when I need to quiet your heart and mind, and stop freaking out about what it is I may or may not have to do to get right with God.
Thus far I have started by making a commitment to go to church each Sunday. For the first time ever I told my job that I am not available before 1:00 on Sundays. I am not going to have any other lame excuses why I cannot go. I need to shut my brain off and just get my butt in the pew each week. It's good for Gloria, it's good for me, and it's a nice change for my parents too. I know I have only been back at church for the past two weeks, but I am already excited about where it is taking me. I feel as though when I unwrap the present, God will reveal to me the way that His plan for my life is good and perfect.

As an aside I know I am not usually so religious in my postings. I never know who is reading this and if it really matters. I am determined to have an open dialogue with God about what I believe to be true in my heart. There are a lot of questions. So, this post was just meant to share my re-awakening, my Renaissance, if you will.