Sweet Honesty

Big changes have been happening on an emotional and spiritual level over the past couple of weeks. I have been confronting some darker sides of myself that I am loathe to acknowledge I still struggle with. Instead of marching into 30 triumphantly I am at a place of being humbled. It isn't a bad thing; some years are about celebration for accomplishments, and some years are a celebration that I am still here and able to grow and get better. This year, I was forced to recognize a lot of ugly parts of myself that are difficult to admit. It was so easy to slide right back to bottom and the climb back up always seem long and difficult.


My first desire is to put God first again. It has been such a long time since I have had a true and honest relationship with God. I have totally numbed my mind to the idea and let the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach continue to make me sick. It is no wonder that my fibromyalgia has been so bad (pain and fatigue) and my IBS (stomach problems) have flaired up. I think that my body is unhappy with the choices I have made in my life. Some are easier to remedy than others, some are more "understandable," but all of these things have left me feeling empty and alone.

I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me truly, and there is so much I haven't shared with him. I even try to hide the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia from him. It's so stupid, when I have someone in my life who loves me, that instead I go into the bathroom to uncontrollably cry or I make stupid jokes to cover up my sinking sadness. I finally had a long talk with my mom about the whole thing and I think that opening up - to God, to my family, to Ray - is the best answer. I have actually requested Sunday mornings off of work so I can consistently go to church, I have started conversations with Ray about the dark side of me that gets so ugly, and I am on a mission to be more open about how I am feeling. I do feel isolated at times. I don't have any close friends close by and, apparently, I am slow to make new friends. However, I truly TREASURE the friends that I do have.