December 10th. A day of infamy in my mind. A day of utter destruction. The day the music died. It has been four years since Kevin died and it still brings me to my knees. I am in such a different place. I imagined a lifetime of lonliness, a life of austerity, a deathlike state suspended in an aging body. Most days are not nearly so harsh, but this day is. I feel as though most people can't handle the real feelings I have on this day. As the years go by I am better at "sugar coating" the rawness of this reality. There are defining moments in our life. The big ones -: graduating high school and college, getting married, the birth of my child, the death of my beloved spouse - are obvious. There are less obvious defining moments, times when our life changes irrevocabily for a seemingly insignificant series of events. Today is a big moment, a time that the whole world could point to and understand why it changed me. Still, time marches on without any sympathy for the hole left in our lives by a fallen loved one.
In my last entry I remarked something to the effect that it was while nursing the brokenest of hearts that God first revealed his true presence to me. That heartache was deep, and is not normally worth comparing with the kind of heartache I have since felt. Still, to go into it a little deeper, a part of the reason my heart was so broken that summer after I graduated high school, was because the young man I loved truly loved me back. The problem was not compatibility, attraction, or anything like that. We both sought God's will with our hearts, and God's will is what set us a part. More specifically, his parents felt that he should wait to really date anyone and we chose to honor their request. It made it so much more painful to know that there was no "good" reason for us to be a part. His parents didn't know me that well but they saw him more with a reliable church girl than a more modern Christian like myself. I only bring all of this up, because the more I thought about it the more the type of heartache matched losing Kevin. Kevin died, it had nothing to do with our love for each other. God had brought us together, and through death He did part us. It is so frustrating to be parted from someone you love that loves you. It makes everything seem futile and empty.
Still, as I reread that last post it gave me some hope for grace. If having my heart broken when I was eighteen was a prelude to how to handle a dissappointment of enormous proportions, then perhaps God does have more in store for me. In the words of Lifehouse, "I'm falling a part, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart, that's still beating. In the pain, is there healing? In Your Name, I find meaning. So I'm holding onto you," The first time my heart was broken in that way I quickly turned to God for guidance and comfort. It was still painful and confusing, but God showed me that He loves me and is walking with me. This second heartache I turned away from God. My heart closed up because I couldn't stand even a little more hurt before I would give up altogether. So through my writing I have led myself to a new place of wanting to seek the lord.
I need to put Him first and I am scared about it. I don't know what it may bring, what challenges. I am afraid of the implications it will have on relationships with family, friends and, of course, Ray. I have to be willing to give up this house, or living in Naperville, or all kinds of other things before I see the path that God desires for me. I truly have to put Him first and it was as scary a prospect then as it is now. It's funny how we often think that we would love to go back with what we know now and be young again. I wish that I could talk to myself at eighteen and learn more about the passion and desire for God that she so sincerely felt.
Ray was somewhat disturbed by this day, the anniversary of losing Kevin. As it approached he sensed the change in me, the sadness, the irritability, the inability to see outside of my own sadness. I tried to talk to him about it but he felt that I was "dwelling on the past." He didn't know Kevin, had no sympathy for him and has only seen the pieces that Kevin left behind. Truly, Kevin left pieces. Ray has never lost anyone that close to him, nor has he had that kind of love with a woman that comes from marriage. So, some of these topics we are just patient with each other. Still, I see the concern in his eyes. It is just who I am. I told him, I could be queen of the world right now or have discovered unicorns, and still my heart would break over again when I think of losing Kevin. Still, to Ray's testament, he held me tight and let me cry, he told me he never wanted me to be alone again, and that he has never loved anyone the way that he loves me. So, it's a start. Life will eventually bring some of these experiences to him, when someone close passes away, when he gets married, when he has a newborn baby in his arms. Right now, he is still very much a young, unmarried man with a big heart and good will, but not an ounce of knowledge about grieving. I don't mean to sound harsh, because I think he is truly the most amazing man. Nothing about my grieving Kevin or having Gloria or keeping the Henrys so close has phased him. He treats me like a queen and I am ever thankful for it. I sometimes wonder if possibly Kevin conferred with the Lord to send him to me? But what do I really know!
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