Happy Birthday to Me!

I am not sure if it is just my mind playing tricks on me, but I suddenly feel more positive about life. Being 28 doesn't mean a lot to me, except that I finally caught up with Kevin. He was 28 when he died and stopped getting birthdays. So, now I am in his age, and a little nervous about discovering life beyond 28. I know that it sounds stupid and perhaps it actually makes no sense at all. This year it seems like the day just passed right by. It didn't feel like a birthday. Perhaps that is what I miss most about being a kid - not my birthday in particular - but just feeling like the excitement of the moment was collectively shared. Now, my birthday just feels like another day, my wedding anniversary just feels like another day, and any other tiny personal holidays that mattered to Kevin and I no longer matter. It used to be that November 26th was the day we started dating, our first Christmas together was the new millenium, the first snow meant watching Edward Scissorhands, July 11th was his original sobriety date, Halloween was when we went on a church retreat and got to know each other, June 8th was the day he proposed. It's like all of these little days became important, centered around a theme meant to engage us in each other's day. I mean, we could really laugh together. I knew exactly what to say to him on the office phone that was technically appropriate but he and I knew why it was so funny. I knew that if I came home and asked if he wanted to drive over to Fry's electronics and look around he was as happy as if I gave him tickets for a cruise. Kevin just was the event. I miss knowing him that way, and I miss someone knowing me that way. Sometimes I just feel so very isolated. I feel like I am this fragment in the universe just floating around and bumping into other people's complete lives. I feel like my family is gone. Perhaps that is what makes me so angry at Kevin sometimes. He went through all of the effort of becoming a family with me and then died, leaving me in a broken home, a broken body, and a broken heart.

I guess that this isn't the most uplifting thing I could write about on my birthday. I should probably say that this past weekend was filled with love from the people who care so much about me. My friend Jenny drove from Evanston on Friday night to eat pizza with me and vent, Saturday my mom took Gloria so I could get a haircut for the first time in six months, and Saturday night my friend Sarah took the train in from the city to spend the evening with me. Sunday I had a good day at work and when I left I packed an over night bag and headed to my sister's house. For once Gloria wasn't clinging to my leg the entire time. An old friend was there, which made me nervous at first because I still care about him. However, I found we could talk and joke and laugh just like before, and he even talked everyone into playing on of my favorite games, "CatchPhrase." Finally, my sister and I got to spend all day with my nephews, James and Danny, to get them to have their pictures taken professionally. It was wonderful. James was so good with Gloria that I was actually able to doze for a little bit while they played! So, as you can see God does even out my sadness with my blessings. As the verse on my headstone reads: He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. (Psalm 126:6). I may not know much, but I know this much is true.