A Better Way to Fall

I have been listening to a lot of Modest Mouse lately. As with any intense music I wonder if it found me or if I went looking for it. The following lyrics from "The View" have gone round and round my head the past few days:

If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.

I am so sad right now. I had several dreams where Kevin was with me again, holding me and comforting me. Even in the dream I know it is special and I try to hold onto him so tightly. I wake up with an overwhelming sense of injustice. Why am I here and he's gone? I am so sick of selfish people and just wish that I could take a break from living. I need a better way to fall.

My cousin, Kim, asked me today if I think broken people ever start to live again or if it is a constant struggle. In my mind I believe that God is good, that people are sinful, and that the mixture allows us to see the good and bad of life. In my heart, I really struggle sometimes to find a way to live again. The past few days have been overwhelming, both emotionally and physically. I need help but I don't even know where to go anymore. I feel like I have sucked everyone around me dry and now I am just a pathetic, needy woman who needs to figure it out for herself. So, why can't I seem to figure it out? Why am I still bumbling along feeling like each day could be the one that I finally can't get up for?