Anniversary

Today is what was my wedding anniversary. It was a sad day today, filled mostly with trying to keep it together for the sake of other people. I did steal small moments to be faithful to my sadness - crying by the lakeside and on the unlikely shoulder of my sister-in-law, Susan. I feel so strange to be mourning on what was the happiest day of my life. Even now I can remember tiny lovely details from my wedding. I remember Kevin calling in the morning to ask some mundane question, only because he wanted to hear my voice and share the excitement.

We were married in his parent's garden on a hot, humid July afternoon. When people remember my wedding they will first mention the horrible heat, and then that it was probably the sweetest wedding they have ever attended. My Grandma played piano for the ceremony, my college voice teacher sang while her husband accompanied on violen, my aunt and uncle from Colorado did an amazing duet, and my other uncle from North Carolina sang and played guitar. All of my siblings were in the wedding party, as well as my closest friends. My sister and mother-in-law did all of the flowers and decorations for the tent in the garden. I couldn't even look at Kevin's mom before the ceremony because we would both burst into happy tears.

I can remember seeing Kevin standing outside as the ceremony began. He looked so radiant in his black and silver tux with his amazing red hair. I actually felt weak at the knees with my love for him. My dad could spot the signs of me getting ready to faint and was all over the job. He held my elbow and whispered encouraging words in my ear. I was filled with absolute love and nothing overshadowed that. Even now, I can think of each person who attended and how they made it special. My nieces were both in perfect little white dresses (Abby was the flower girl!), our brothers and cousins, sister and best friends, were all lined up and looking so phenomenal. Not only did my closest friends attend, but their parents came as well! Jenny's mom, Michelle and Sarah's mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom, and even Kari's parents (Kari did not attend).

I know that it was hot, but all I saw was Kevin. All I felt was this love, from him and from God and all of our family around us. It was so right. It was putting an official seal on something that was promised in our hearts from the day we were created, before we ever knew we would find each other. With Kevin by my side I felt like anything was possible, that he was truly my partner. When he died, I felt like a horrible trick had been played on me. All I asked of God was to live my life with Kevin, and everything else could come second. Of course, we do not get to choose our paths . . .

So, now, it is the hardest thing for me to have this day without Kevin. For all of the sadness and the hurt, I still love and treasure my marriage to him. I still wouldn't change a thing about that perfect day. It wasn't because of the food or the dress or music, though that was certainly wonderful, it was because of the pure joy of having everyone I loved there with me to celebrate. I wish that I had him here to tell that too. We would always joke that instead of aiming for 50 years of marriage we would shoot for 100. In every anniversary card Kevin would put the countdown, "Three wonderful years, 97 to go. . . " Life is just too short. It is hard to understand why I would love like that and have it taken away. It is hard to be alone again and scared to death sometimes about living my life this way.

Water is lapping at the edge of the pond,

And I hear the smallest sound of your feet on the sand.

The wind rustles through the hot air,

And I feel your breath on my neck.

The setting sun in the corner of my eye,

Could be your red hair flashing beside me.

When I close my eyes you are still there,

Holding me so close to you.