Suddenly I See, This Is Where I Want To Be

Here are pictures of my headstone. Of course, pictures really don’t do the real thing justice. This weekend was spent mostly with Jesse and Susan, my siblings-in-law. On the one hand, I really enjoy spending time with them since I don’t get to see them often, but on the other hand it is somewhat depressing to be the fifth wheel on two happy couples. Today we went to Keller’s Corn Maze in Oswego. It was a whole lot of fun for me. There is something about wandering around a big, tall maze in search of clues that I find irresistible. I think a part of me is still fascinated by the magical. In some ways it is ironic that I am so jaded in some areas and so whimsical in others. The funny thing is, I was already an old soul before all of this happened to make me think about how much older I feel. I use phrases like “shoot the breeze,” for Pete’s sake,” and “Man Alive!”

I dreamt last night that I had a serious doctor’s appointment to find out if I had cancer and Kevin was supposed to be there, but I couldn’t find him. At the last minute he burst in the door and exclaimed that he would always make it for important things and I didn’t need to doubt him. I was so happy and relieved to see him. In my dreams I always know that it is special to be able to hold him and hear him, even if I don’t realize that he isn’t really alive.

Now that my headstone is in I just want to be there all of the time and share it with people. Is that strange? I mean, when I go by myself it can be peaceful or it can be devastating. Sometimes, I am afraid of where my mind takes me when I go alone. At the same time, I like to go and visit, feel somehow a little closer to Kevin and God, and be comforted knowing that I have that space reserved next to him. The past few weeks have seemed especially hard. I haven’t been going to the gym, I have felt exhausted and run-down, and it feels like all I can do just to take care of Gloria. Then, last week my sister took Gloria for a few hours one day and I was able to go to the grocery store and actually think through what I needed, then I went home to take a bath and rest. I felt like a new person! I think that not having any breaks from Gloria can make me start to feel crazy. My parents just haven’t been up to taking her at all lately, which means most days I don’t even get to shower or floss. That kind of constant intensity is consuming. I think if I can figure out some way to have a little time to myself – just a few hours each week – I will hopefully keep myself from falling into that awful place where I just want to lay down and die.