A Big Thing To Ask For

My headstone is finally in. My sister took Gloria for a couple of hours yesterday so I stopped to bring a pumpkin by for Kevin and there it was, shining in the midday sun. It is so beautiful. I thought that I would be sadder when I saw it, or that it would be scary to see my own name and that big blank spot waiting to be filled with my date of death, but I felt neither. I felt very comforted and secure to see the stone there, with our names and the date of our marriage between us. I know that I am young, that everyone believes I will remarry, that no one truly understood why I wanted to have both our names on the stone, but in my heart it is completely right. None of the reasons why I wouldn't matter to me. I could remarry, I could have more children, or I could die tomorrow. Either which way I like knowing that I have that spot reserved next to my husband, and that I have my name carved into the same stone as his name. Nothing will ever take away the love that I have for Kevin, and no one else has to understand that.

It is finally feeling like fall to me. It is cold, windy and gray today. On the one hand, it isn't the happiest or most energizing weather, but on the other hand, it better reflects my own mood. It is so hard to believe that it has been this long since Kevin died. I feel like I just fill my days with whatever to keep my mind off of how overwhelming it can be to think about. As soon as my mind starts going I think about how lonely I am for Kevin, how much money I owe that I don't have, how I have to take care of Gloria by myself, and how there is nothing I really want to do with my life. These things make me feel paralyzed. I just want to lead a quiet, simple life. I don't need anything grand attached to my name, and I don't need any fancy things to keep me happy. I just like being home, cooking, talking with family and friends, writing, taking pictures and reading. I never thought that would be such a big thing to ask for.