My mind is sinking, yet my outward appearance is now becoming hypersensative. I think that worrying about clothing or toys for my child is a powerful distraction from the stinging pain of missing Kevin that flows so quietly under my veins. It's like this best kept secret - something that doctor's don't have the time to get to really know about. I need all of this help; I am truly weak in spite of how hard I want to remain. Does any of this make any sense? I just want the pain to go away. I want to feel like I have accomplished something. Of course, what the hell do I care what I accomplish. I only get back to the list making and staring and STOP! silence ............................................................................................................................followed by the sinking sadess, the defeat you can't describe as you lay on the ground, face in the dirt, arms outstretched grasping fingers into the soil. Curling your nails, calming, floating, a gentle angel's touch radiating through the dirt and new grass. SILENCE. Hearing your own heartbeat and listening with terror. Dear God, where is his heartbeat? Is it just so far below that I can't hear it anymore? Is it so close within me that I can't hear it, like before my daughter was born? Because I still love him Lord, and I need to know if his heart still beats for me in any way.
Sometimes I just can't take the sadness. I don't know how to share the sadness. I don't have Kevin, who could help me figure this out. God, I just miss him too much sometimes. Please, I need help figuring out what I can do.
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