Nobody gets it. I am in the midst of confusion and heartache and nobody gets it. For me, the intensity of losing Kevin stays just as painful and dramatic. Yes, I want to cry every single day still. I keep his socks and underwear in the same drawers and I love seeing them while it saddens me. I can not begin to make anyone understand how unbearable this feels sometimes. I laugh about it, I make dark humor, and sometimes it helps. Truthfully, there are many days or times throughout the day that I hate life and just want to be with Kevin again. I have no tolerance for certain things. I have less compassion for other people who have lost loved ones, because I feel like their loss could not possibly hurt as badly as my loss does. I feel closed off and closed in. The only thing that I resent as a mother is that I have to ask for help. Right now I just want to be in a space all alone and left to do whatever I need to do to start healing. Instead, all of my energy goes into keeping my head above water carrying for Gloria. My bedroom is incredibly depressing and unorganized, my car needs work to get done, I need to get to my doctor and yet I am paralyzed by all of it. I know that this is a lengthy complaint that probably no one will ever want to read. I just don't know how else to get it out sometimes. I feel so heavy, like I am lying in a dark pool of water in long robes, heavy and sluggish even thinking of trying to crawl back out.
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