They Can't See You If You Don't Move

I spent the day with my mother-in-law and Gloria shopping at Home Goods, TJ Maxx and Marshalls. In the middle we stopped at Kapsa Monument and put in the final order for my headstone. After paying and leaving I felt a strange excitement and apprehension about finalizing my own grave marker. I have to say, there is no way to describe what it feels like to be 26 and looking at my own name on a marker like that. Perhaps it is the same at any age. You keep looking at the date of birth and the big empty space beneath it where someday, a day already recorded in the mind of the Lord, my last day on Earth will be recorded. So, after the day where we danced around staring aimlessly at stores filled with interesting things, both clinging to little Gloria, letting her smile and sweet skin breath life back into my empty heart. More and more I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like my thoughts are driving me to places that I don't want to go.

I feel like I badly need to find some place of my own to rent. I need to have my own kitchen and two bedrooms and my own laundry. I have got to make this happen soon. I need to be able to get MY adult things around me, the things that KEVIN and I worked so lovingly to get together and make beautiful. I need to have some adult control over my surroundings and my me time. I think part of my crazy depression is feeling like there is no way possible that I can afford to live on my own and it makes me feel hopeless.

Here is my rant for the evening: I made the mistake of watching the first few minutes of an episode of "Sex and the City." The opening narration was, "In the life of a single woman there are three important landmarks: the first time she has sex, the first time she has good sex, and the first time she sees her boyfriend's apartment." Where do I begin to discuss how asinine this is? Let me just say that even if we put aside the shallow assumption that sex is the center of every woman's world, and if we also put aside the one-sided assumption that all single women are having sex, we have the issue of the whole boyfriend's apartment being even remotely important. That show is such an affront to intelligent women everywhere who may have healthy relationships, regardless of the status of their sexual life, and find bigger milestones in life than over-analyzing their boyfriends apartments. That being said, I do not underestimate the amount of time women can and should spend analyzing every minute detail of the new boyfriends home, job, life, clothing, etc. However, the point remains true, it is definitely NOT one of the questionable three important landmarks for single women. So there.