Discombobulation

I feel scattered and disorganized. People are always asking me what exactly I am doing and I have no answers. I Make long lists as I gaze across the horrendous mess of my bedroom. People call to remind of what I am doing and when, and I write it down on scraps of paper and promptly lose it. There are so few days when I can take any task from start to finish. It takes me forever to do anything for myself. I am now ready to whine about how badly I want my own apartment with Gloria so that I could organize around my schedule and not everyone else.

Back to scattered and disorganized, I dreamt last night that I went slightly back in time and told Kevin that he was going to die. I said, could you try to fix the brakes on my car and explain the other component on your motorscooter that needs to be repaired. Kevin gave me that gorgoeous grin and said yes, Then he just held me tightly for a nice long time. It felt so nice. I think I miss tackling these "family problems" like grocery shopping, cleaning, vacuuming, etc with my husband. I mean, we had a great schedule going where I did laundry, he would clean the bathroom, we both cooked and cleaned the kitchen, and once a month or two we would both vacuum and dust everywhere. I miss the team commrodory. With Kevin gone I feel like those parts of me have retreated inwardly. I mean, I am not doing chores for "the family" or anything so it has no purpose. I am trying to feel good about doing these things just for me, It is all so lonely and scary. I just would give anything to have someone take Gloria so I could really clean and reorganize my room. But, I have to learn to deal with the life that I have been given.