It is 4 A.M. and Gloria is tossing and turning and keeping me awake. I feel crazed with exhaustion, but I guess what else is new? It seems like I had a few really good, positive weeks, and now I am sinking down into sadness again. Kevin is on my mind all of the time, and I miss him so much. I miss his companionship and the way that he cared about me more than anyone else in the world. Sometimes I feel so isolated here. I know that my parents love me, but at the same time I feel like a huge burden to them. Neither of them have wanted to take Gloria lately, which isn't a problem, except it makes me feel very alone. I know that I would probably do better in many ways living in my own place, except that financially I can't do it and I would feel even more alone in that circumstance. I just keep thinking about how bad it got this time last year. How I wish that I had been able to help Kevin stop from destroying himself. I regret so very many things. I think know that it isn't my fault, I really do, but at the same time I feel like if I had done things differently it would have given Kevin more time. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and hardly ever talks about Kevin anymore, and I still feel so stuck. I just still love and miss him so much. It still feels like part of my own body has died and gone with him.
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