Commitment(less)

I had an intense weekend with one wedding for Erin, a shower for Julie, and then Erin's reception all in the same day. Erin's wedding was beautiful; it was a small ceremony in a Lutheran church in Aurora. She and her groom had enough love to light up the whole room. Of course it reminded me of my own wedding, the excitement of that moment when you confirm your feelings for each other before God and your family and friends. I thought that it would make me sad to see a wedding and feel so alone, yet it actually was a good feeling to relive that day in my own mind. I still consider my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life. I can't describe the love that welled up in my heart for Kevin, for my family and his, and for all of the people who came and were a part of the wedding. My grandma played piano, my aunts and uncles played guitar and sang two songs, my voice teacher from college sang while her husband did a violen solo and I had family fly in from Colorado, Nebraska, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Virgina, and more. So, not to make Erin and Steve's day about me, but it was a good feeling to see that love is still alive. I like to be an optimist, though lately I have felt quite jaded.

I had a month long "non-relationship" with someone that truly captured my imagination. It was nice to have someone to chill out with, who enjoyed good music and liked my sarcastic humor. He is the kind of person that I could just hang out with talking, watching movies, cooking together or listening to music. I liked his sweet nature and his blunt truthfulness. Unfortunately I had the effect on him that I have on most men, which is he felt I was looking for too much of a commitment and that he really didn't want to actually date me. I am not quite sure why every guy I meet wants to "date" me but not actually "date" me. They like to spend time with me, have dinner, spend time with my daughter, and meet mutual friends, but then the moment we start to get close they break it off. Not just break it off, completely cut me off like I don't exist of matter. It's hard for me to not take this personally. I know that we are all trying to find our way in life, but why does it have to be this complicated? In all honesty, I am in no rush to "commit" my life to anyone. I have a lot of stress in my life, I am not emotionally stable, and it is hard for me to open up about some of the deeper darknesses I face within myself. Still, it was nice to have someone to care about me, to make dinner for, to joke around with. I would like to have someone for the simple things, like watching football games and eating pizza, going to feed the ducks at the riverwalk, watching the drummers at the Harvest Powwow, and running errands on Saturday afternoons. It would be nice to have someone leave me a nice voicemail or text while I am at work to say they are thinking of me. So, even though I have no intention of getting into some heavy relationship, I do miss companionship and friendship. Life feels very lonely and empty right now. It is getting harder and harder for me to reach outside of my very small circle of comfort. Inch by inch I have got to get back into this game called LIFE.