A strange bird

Life is a strange bird to try and take hold of. I have gone round and round in circles for years now with no real direction or sense of accomplishment. It isn't that I want to float through life, and I certainly haven't felt like I have been floating, more like spiraling slowly downward. I continue to try and put the brakes on that spiral and think about how to start to ascend again. Ultimately, I am chained to life for right now. I feel as though people can't handle the intensity of who I am. I feel like they generally like me, but feel like they have to hold me at arm's length or I will suction cup myself to their life. Perhaps it is true.

It is like there are two parts of me. The first part wants to live, and because of that wants to adhere to what is good and decent and right. This part of me demands high standards and knows that I shouldn't mess around with people or things that will only lead to trouble in the end. It makes me want to slow down and open my eyes before jumping into anything.

The other part of me wants to just get through life however I can. This part of me isn't afraid of screwing up, or dying or doing wrong. This part of me just wants to make it through the day without that overwhelming lonliness that lingers around the edges of my very being. I still care about others and don't want to hurt anyone, but I care less and less about hurting myself.

The weird thing is, both sides of myself know the same things, it is just that one frame of mind leads me to live in a completely different manor than the other. It is a constant inner conflict. Do I act on my head or how I feel in the moment? Do I just want to survive life or do I want to thrive? My relationships with others is very complicated. I have a strong sense of solitude, as if no person wants to see far enough inside to really get at what is eating me up every moment of every day. I am so moody and unpredictable, I freak out and get so upset, and I hate being alone. At the same time, when I am with people half of the time I don't have anything to say. I have been like this since at least high school, if not earlier. It is a part of why older people don't mind me, they figure quietness is better than obnoxiousness.