Re-gifting in its sweetest form

This week was my 7th wedding anniversary, as well as the one year anniversary of when I bought this house. It has been a hard week in a lot of aspects. The memory of the hopes, dreams and plans that I had with Kevin continue to haunt me. So this is how it feels to be 28, a widow, a mother, a homeowner, a cook, a friend, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, an aunt, a fighter, a lover, a failure, a winner, a human in this perfectly imperfect world. I sort of feel like I am at a crossroads with what I want from life. I have started to feel stronger in a million ways, learning to be by myself even though I am not very good at it. I have met more people and experienced more things because I have forced myself to get up each day. Kevin would be proud, I know that. Sometimes I do things because I want to know that he would be proud, but what's more I have found that it isn't so much what Kevin would have wanted me to do, as much as it is what he knew I am capable of doing and being. He saw this in me, this brightness that I have a hard time finding sometimes without him.

Some friends of the past of popped back up in a good way, which has surprised me. I have made friends that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise. I am very thankful for this. Now, I feel like I DO want a future, I am just not clear on what future I want. It has been so long since I have really thought about the future, a life filled with experiences and accomplishments, and possibly being happy again. For so long I have fought to keep a strong front while beneath it all I really and truly wanted to be dead. Now, I am not so sure. I think I may want to live. So, the big question for me is, what will I do with this re-gifting of my life?

This past week brought out some unlikely friends, people that a year ago I would never have believed would be quietly etching into my life and giving me points of strength in times of need. I won't say that my anniversary was any easier, or less sad, or anything. It was just as terrible as it always is and probably always will be. However, I know the drill a little more now. So, I set the day aside for myself, buy flowers and give half to Kevin and the rest for my kitchen counter, I look at pictures and remember how amazing that day was. I think about looking into Kevin's eyes and feeling more certain of his love than I had felt of anything before that. I am thankful for all of the good that was in our marriage and how now, more than ever, I appreciate what was good and that I won't settle for less than that now. I don't want to be alone, but I also feel like I can wait for uncompromised love comes along. It isn't that I think love is perfect - it is about the messiest and most painful emotion, as well as the most breath-takingly fantastic - it is just that there are certain aspects that I am not willing to compromise on. I want someone who thinks I am beautiful, even though I am not high-maintenance, someone who will kill spiders for me because I am such a sissy, someone who makes me laugh and also appreciates my own sarcastic, nerdy and sometimes dark humor, I want someone who will bring me roses, I want someone who will be impressed that I can cook and appreciate that, and I want someone who can be my best friend and not feel like I am some sort of anchor holding them in place when they really want to float away. My marriage was far from perfect, and there were times when I thought that it was some horrible mistake, but then I was in it with someone willing to fight for it. I loved being a wife, and I love being a mom, and I guess this week just made me reflect on what that means to me. Sometimes I get so lonely, and I feel like no one will ever look at me with that kind of depth of love again.