I keep going between depression and anger the past few weeks. I have made a commitment to learning how to live independently with Gloria. I don't know how to explain this but I think I had somehow mentally blocked that reality until recently. There are a lot of things that I really hate about living on my own. I think I am naturally a caretaker and not having anyone to care for except Gloria is very hard for me. As a wife I was oriented to doing little things for Kevin and him for me, the kind of little things that made life as an adult enjoyable. Right now, if I see something on television that is funny I have no one to laugh with, or if I make a really amazing meal I have no one to share it with, and it starts to wear me down and make me feel isolated. I don't like this feeling, and my immediate response was to try and find someone to date again. I have been on eHarmony, which resulted in several "spinning my wheels" encounters with people that I felt sheer anxiety about talking with. I even made the biggest mistake of returning to my ex-boyfriend for comfort, which resulted in me feeling even more sad and depressed. Now, I am coming to terms with what may be the root of my problems right now. I am lonely. It is hard for me to spend every night either chasing around my daughter or, when she goes to bed, sitting in silence. It dawned on me that I have offered four different female friends to come live with me rent free and not one wants to be here. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like people don't really like me to be around. It sometimes reminds me of high school, where once you are out of a group they will still tolerate you but you won't be invited to parties or other events. I want to know what it is about me that makes me so difficult for people to want me around. I want to understand if it is that I am boring, or I am depressing or I am too much of a goody-goody. Lately the chasm between myself and others is just gaping wide everytime I step into my home. So, that is my depression.
My anger comes as I realize that some people just downright lie to me. They tell me they care or are my friend, but they treat me like I have a disease and couldn't care less what is really going on in my life. My anger also comes at myself. I am sick of feeling sick, tired, worn out and unmotivated. No one seems to understand how hard it is for me to have fibromyalgia. It sucks. It is painful all of the time. I get anxiety attacks about the phone because my jaw hurts so much of the time. I don't even like to hear myself anymore, since my world is consumed by this pain. It is awful and I don't know how to fix it. I need help, but I have used up all of the help that people have given me. It isn't fair to my friends and family. I am always so needy. So I try to not be needy but then I feel judged because my lawn doesn't get mowed or my kitchen is a mess or my laundry is piled up. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be with anyone, but I can't do it all on my own.
All of this being said I know that I need to give these things to the Lord. I need to remember that God pulled me out of the abyss many times before and can do it again. It is just such a hard lesson to learn . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again.
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