Season of Dark and Lights

I am heading into the "Season of Dark and Lights." What does this mean? Well, I love the fall; everything about it makes me happy - the rain, the cooler temperatures, the bright colors, the hearty soups, and the crunch of leaves under my feet. Also, as the days get shorter and darker, more and more night time lights pop up. First for Halloween, in a silly display, and then for Christmas, in a dazzling display. At the same time, this season represents everything that has caused my heart happiness and sadness. I can't help but think of this time as a clock ticking down to the day Kevin died and my world crashed. It is also a countdown of the days that Kevin and I first fell in love. Kevin and I met at the end of summer and first bonded on a fall retreat to Lake Geneva with our church. It was where he first tried to impress me by getting a tattoo, and I first drove him crazy with incomprehensible emotions. We started dating on November 26, 1999 - the day after Thanksgiving. From there on out we never spent a single day apart until I was in grad school in Canada. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the times when we knew that we were each other's family. We had just begun to start our own traditions and finally fill up our sad little Christmas tree. It was in December that I got pregnant with Gloria, it was in September she was born, and by that next December I lost Kevin. It is a strange juxtaposition that I think I will always struggle with. How can it have been this long? Looking at Gloria I can hardly believe that I have survived this long. It seems so impossible that I have continued to exist in this world without Kevin.



It feels like the cooler weather allows me an opportunity to burrow and nest. There is less opportunity to distract myself in the cold, and there is more congruency with my inner and outer life with the bitter surroundings. It seems like the fall brings inevitable change. Somehow, it empowers me to be true to my real feelings and to express them to others. Lately, the deep sadness that I feel is coming back to the surface. The strange thing is, that normally I want to share my feelings with other, almost compulsively. Instead, I find myself not wanting to risk the vulnerability, or I get frustrated at the thought of always trying to explain myself. I keep digging for words, trying to find some way to scream out my craziness and desperation.

Finally, I found a way. I was online (big surprise) and chatting through IM with Jenny (aka: my better than best friend) when she told me she wanted to scream out through the modem. So, back and forth we yelled:
THIS SUCKS!!!!!!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!
SOMEBODY LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
It's amazing. It wasn't just words, but WORDS. It really got it across, only quietly. A quiet scream, a silent explosion, a fierce two-dimensional / six dimensional exclamation point! I have never found screaming to be helpful. It gives me a headache and I sound like a tiny mouse shaking her fists and peeping out little ineffective words. At the same time, the idea of screaming appealed to me. I like to cry; crying is helpful. I like to talk about things; sharing is helpful. I should like to scream; loud noises can release me. Instead screaming leaves me awkward and dull. It is kind of like drinking a lot, you start out thinking this must certainly help you and wake up realizing it solved nothing and gave you a headache. I was surprised to find that online yelling could be so healing, so empowering. There is a way for a generally un-angry person such as myself, to get properly angry and not feel awkward about it. So, this is a long way of saying thank you to Mrs. Jenny, for opening a new avenue of self discovery for me.

To Be Continued . . . .