We will laugh about stupid things, lay on the floor in relaxation, not defeat, and somehow we will get through this,

Family. Friends. Buddies. Helpers. Compadres.
We are armed for battle in this picture. Come what may, raining carpenter ants, falling chunks of sheetrock, clouds of drywall dust, or just plain old exhaustion, we will be there for each other. Sometimes, this is how we have to go into (or out of) our situation, armed for battle. It isn't a violent battle, you don't fear your death or your physicality in any way. Instead, it is a battle that is rallied within that requires you to assemble an army of supporters to get through it. You will feel alone in your corner with the mask over your mouth and the googles over your eyes. The world will look foggy through the goggles and your breathing may become stale and heavy in the mask. Yet, you will know that the Family, Friends, Buddies, Helpers, Compadres are all around you in the same state. They have dressed for this battle as well. They are scared with you, thrilled for you, worried with you and cautious with you. We all want the same thing, to finish this dreadful battle, take a nice long shower and run the confusion and sadness down the drain, go to sleep and wake up rested. It's no big wish, it isn't an unreasonable demand, it is just what I want, what we want, and also want to believe is possible. Yes, Someday we will wake up rested, we will have a good breakfast and go for a long walk, we will curl up with a good book or a good friend and a bottle of wine by the fireplace. We will sit and be happy just to be sitting. We will laugh about stupid things, lay on the floor in relaxation, not defeat, and somehow we will get through this.

Our lives are lived in such layers it is hard to know what is real. People often see me as smart, silly, sarcastic, a little morbid and strange, stressed out, tired, and down to earth. Inside I feel dark, strange, scary, overcome with love for a man I can no longer hold, I want to float off into heaven, I want to lay down and never get out of bed. I feel scared, I feel fat and scarred and broken. I feel like damaged goods, with stretch marks, fat pockets all over my body, a high forehead and so on. I don't want to go back to how things were, I just want to go be with Kevin now. More than before I just want to be with Kevin again. I don't know what to do about this split self. I feel so weak these days but I can't seem to talk about it (except to Jenny) and I am falling apart. What is it about this life? What is it that makes it such a struggle? So, I think as grief goes on you don't learn anything new, you just learn to be patient with yourself. You start to pull that grief in more and more, because you know that other people NEED you to get better, to go on, to start again. But inside of me, life is circular, and it will always roll back to Kevin and, before Kevin, my family, and so on. Moving on is a concept I don't even understand. I refuse to recognize that word as long as it means absolutely nothing to me. Moving in, that I say, because it points to an inward movement, that circle of grief that keeps rotating for all of my life, until I can finally connect it with the bigger CIRCLE - GOD. Oh, and God, please make is soon!