Crashing into Myself

I have started reading another blog, the words of a widow who lost his wife very recently. It was referred to me by Jenny, my better-than-best friend. It has brought back the crushing sadness of losing Kevin, but (if you can believe it) in a good way. I often stuff down my sadness these days, putting on a brave face and talking of the blessings of life. It is what people want to hear, what they need to hear. They cannot handle more sadness and defeat, they cannot stand to watch never ending pain. That isn't to say that people aren't listening or don't care. People care SO MUCH that they do not even know what to do in the face of unquenchable tears. Certainly, I am in a different place than I was when Kevin first died. In fact, I do feel like there is a future in God's plan for me. As Gladys has told me so many times, it will be different but it can be good.

I just want to take this moment to say how sad I still am. I want to say how every day I think of Kevin and miss being his wife. I want to say thank you to all of the people who have understood this, and especially to the people who have welcomed my honesty. I can't even really think too much about the time right after Kevin died because it takes me back in a powerful way. So, I will just take a few moments to shed tears and to throw my hands up and say, "Lord, I will never understand!" If even one person cries with me for that wonderful man that was my husband, then it will make even the smallest difference. I need to know that he is remembered, treasured, adored and sorely missed. I know that he is, because he was a person who could not be forgotten in any sense.