"Please, Bury Me With It"

There is a particular line of a Modest Mouse song that seems to be continuously running through my head: "Life handed us a paycheck; we said, "We worked harder than this!" Lately, life has definitely seemed like hard work. All of the optimism of the past two months has swirled down the drain at an alarming rate. On a good note, I am still alive and kicking.

The main topic of thought and conversation lately has been "How do we learn to stand up for ourselves when no one else will?" I feel like stupid Carrie from Sex and the City even writing that sentence, but hey, it is what it is. I find myself contemplating why nice people get walked on by mean people, or why it is so hard for us to say we deserve better than what we have been given. I mean, I feel snotty just thinking that I am somehow above my own situation. At the same time, I feel that we are God's beloved, and should be treated as such. For me, it takes a lot to summon up any version of rage, righteous or otherwise. I have been told that a good dose of righteous anger could help me. Sometimes, I feel like I stay silent until it is too late. If I could learn to get angry sooner perhaps it would save me some heartache.

Then, I tell myself, I don't want to "let the bastards get me down." It sounds crass but I don't know how else to say it. I don't want to become a nasty embittered person. I don't want to be someone who whines about rain when I could be dancing in it. I am still very much a work in progress. I have thought a lot about how much Kevin loved me, and how he would want me to be living life fully. It is strange how Kevin can be the force that buries me six feet under and the strength that raises me to the heights of the heavens. Will I ever understand?

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I had a great weekend with my nieces and nephews. Saturday night I babysat for Natalie, Hannah, James and Danny (plus Lil G). We ran around, baked a castle-shaped chocolate bundt cake and got wired on sugar until 1 am. I have to say that having Lil G has made me so much more comfortable around children. Suddenly, they are not nearly as intimidating to me. Today was spent on the warm sunny beach of the Batavia quarry. Gloria was her usual cute self, and totally uneffected by the brisk water. I finally got some sun on my pale legs, and frankly it felt good to be out in the sun and wind for a few hours.