"Lord, be with me"

Today the sermon at church was entitled "Fear's Funeral." It was all about how we live our lives in fear and anxiety of what can happen to us, and of the ultimate fear, what happens when we die. The gist of the sermon was that God can free us from our crippling fear of what can happen. I sat there and felt the world spinning around me. All I could think of was the fear that I used to live in, the fear that Kevin would die. It seems like after that happened and my worst fear was realized, everything became less about fear and more about numbness. I couldn't stand listening to my pastor talking about how God can ease fear, can bring us out of that anxious paralysis, and give life new meaning. For me, the fear will always be there. Not the fear of death, but the fear that if I pick myself up and rebuild my life it can all be ripped out from under me at any time. I find it so terrifying and I don't know how to confront that.

I have found myself revisiting my grief in the past week. I have been at the cemetary almost every day, sometimes just for five minutes to say a short prayer. I have this need to be near Kevin's memory, to talk about him and share stories, and to cry. I don't know if it is that I haven't allowed myself to be consistently sad or if grief is just a long process that takes you back to the beginning again and again. I feel like my soul just keeps reaching out for Kevin, searching for him, wanting to know both that he is ok and that he knows how much I still love and miss him. It isn't that I lost my best friend, my companion, and my lover, it is that I lost the person who I had joined lives with. When I married Kevin, I saw the whole world stretched out before me. Now, I only see the earth below that separates me from him. I put my hand on the headstone to feel his name etched into the surface, but it is a cold harsh reality that hits me, hardly a connection to Kevin's vibrant self. I want to understand so badly. I want to feel God's presence around me, reminding me that I am not so totally alone. I am trying to learn a "breath prayer," which is a small prayer I can say with my breath to somehow help me feel God's arms around me. Breath in, "Lord," breath out, "be with me."