Unicorns

Today was Halloween. I made myself take the pumpkin that I picked out yesterday from Wagner farms and carve it into an amiable toothey smile. I am not overly concerned with having a fancy carved pumpkin. A simple smile lit up and waiting for me on the doorstep is all I need! This evening I went with my in-laws to visit Grandma and Boompa Henry. They loved seeing Gloria in her cute ladybug outfit and watching her toddle around the room with all of her giggles. So, overall it was a good day. On the drive to Grandma's house we were discussing deer sightings on the side of the road and my mother in law made the comment, "When you see one deer you know that there are many other deer right outside of your vision." I said, "Unlike unicorns, which of course if you see one you are pretty sure it is the only one around" and they just laughed at me.

My father-in-law also helped me sift through a couple of boxes in the garage there so I could find my goosedown comforter. I was so happy to find it, although it feels so strange that I won't be sleeping next to Kevin in it. We both were in love with this blanket. We would crank the air conditioning up in the summertime so that we could still sleep with this comforter in hot weather. Oh, I believe it is a magical blanket. So, I am sad that Kevin is not here to ressurect the comforter and freshen it up. I did get a new duvet cover. Or rather a hand-me-down duvet cover so it won't be quite as depressing to look at. I need to figure out how to become a part of some trading club where people bring things and trade or sell for a lot less their gently used items. Money is so tight and I want to learn how to budget really well for when I am on my own again with Gloria.

Toward the end of our search through the boxes my father-in-law pulls out a big white unicorn with wings, and on the side is taped a picture of me, smiling like I am going for a ride. I had been tearing up, so broken at seeing all of Kevin and my things but without Kevin, when I saw him pull out that old thing. I just had to smile, and I said, "See, I told you there are unicorns. You just never know when you might see them." He smiled back. He could tell that I was having a hard time keeping it together. I just miss my Kevin so very much. I want to believe that there is still beauty and magic in the world. I want to believe that I might someday see a unicorn. Is that so wrong?

Somedays I don't know if I want to crawl under a rock and be left alone for years, or if I am terrified of being alone and just cling to anyone who will give me time. Mostly, I miss Kevin. All I want to do with my life is miss Kevin right now. People keep asking me my plan. Well, the first year has been all about raising Gloria, who was a tiny needy baby when Kevin died. Now that she is getting older and slightly more independent, I want to focus on missing Kevin. I don't mean that I want to sink into depression and feeling sorry for myself. I mean, I want to start to come to peace with myself over his death. Try to forgive myself for all the ways that I wronged Kevin and all of the things I would have done differently. I want time to write about him, our life, our love. I want time to walk through the places we used to go and just remember. So that is what I want to do. It is grieving. It is different than just being depressed, not that being depressed can't be a part of all that. I just feel like my time has been sucked up by my baby and until I have a decent amount of time to myself especially to write I will remain in limbo as far as grieving goes.

I feel myself rambling on. This means I must go to bed, or start writing somewhere that isn't posted on a public website. Love to all who read this muck and are compassionate enough to respond with thoughts, ideas, etc. for me.