Sleeping is like praying for me. It brings out all of the parts of me that I never slow down enough to think about during the day. This past week, in particular, I have been dreaming that Kevin is alive and we are simply cuddling and talking. It is such a comfort to hear his voice and feel his skin, even though I know it will go away. The truth is, I spend all of my time and energy on caring for Gloria and I am left with no quiet time for introspection and grieving. I feel like there is this part of me that I have put on hold, the part that wants to contemplate and grieve for the intimate love I had for Kevin as my best friend, my husband, and my lover. I can cry about missing him as Gloria's father, or for the friend and brother and son he was in my presence. But I promised my life to him as a wife, and the sadness that dwells in me is so great that I fear when I finally have time to think freely, cry freely, write freely - that I will be paralyzed. Maybe it won't be for years until I have the time. I think subconsciously it is why I haven't been able to sleep well and keep waking in the night. I think I keep having these dreams bringing back the intense promise of marriage that I miss so much.
So, each night I pray that the Lord will watch me as I sleep. When I think of Gloria's birth I think of how I almost died that day and I wonder, "Why didn't You choose me?" Sometimes I feel as though the Lord has answered that. I just hope that God will help me find the time and the patience with myself to grieve well. I pray that others will also be patient with me. For me, Kevin's death feels like yesterday and the pain is still fresh. There is no time limit by which I will feel "back to normal." So, I pray that my friends and family will allow me all of the months and years I need to grieve losing the love of my life.
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