May 2012

Life often takes shape in unexpected ways.  The past year began my new adventure in Arkansas, the transformation from widow to wife, and so many other major developments.  Sometimes it feels as though I am torn between a past self and the self I am becoming.  I recently read a  book by Amy Tan entitled "The Hundred Secret Senses" and it gave me some of the perspective I needed. She discusses what it feels like to love someone who still loves a "ghost."   Kevin is with me every day, and I can't help that.  He is a part of me now, no matter what happened then or what happens in the future.  With Ray, now I am in love with this amazing man who only wants to be first in my heart. He aches when I bring up Kevin's name, casually dropping little bits of information about my life with him.  I mention the jobs he had or the way he took care of the car, or how he loved my family and friends as his own,  It is something I fear that few people can understand.  Kevin was my best friend, my everything, and yet he turned on me and left me completely alone.  When he made those choices in the past few months before he passed away, he took a gamble with all of the people in his life who loved him, adored him, and cared for him.  Ray is my strength, my joy and my rock.  He anticipates the things that might stress me out and takes care of them.  He loves me in a very pragmatic way.  He pays attention to every tiny little detail of our life and appreciates me in my entirity.  He looks out for me, and wants me to feel as loved by him as he does by me.  I am blessed.  Ray doesn't take my memories of Kevin as a threat, but at times it becomes overwhelming to him to feel as though he is in another man's shadow.  The only shadow is the "if" shadow.  If Kevin had quit drugs and pulled himself together and been a good husband and father . . .. if if if ..   Ray is so much more than that and I love him even more that he can talk to me about this and be honest when it gets to be too much for him,  He's an amazing man all the way around.