To Be Continued

Here I am in Centerton, Arkansas on the forefront of our new adventure. The past few months have brought about so many major changes, yet instead of trying to get my bearing while the world spins around me, I am firmly planting one foot in front of the other. I know that many of my friends and family are particularly perturbed by the changes, and I don't blame them. I am, by nature, a cautious person who avoids change at all cost. It seems like getting engaged, getting rid of my house and moving to Arkansas would be a sign of great mental instability. I can try and detail my decisions somewhat here, but I also believe that time is necessary to prove that I have made these decisions for the right reasons. My engagement wasn't a huge surprise to those around me. It was more a matter of when than if. Still, I have to be honest that when Ray proposedI wasn't entirely prepared for what that meant. I always thought that Ray was the one who held back from me, watching our relationship unfold with happy surprise, but also hesitation. I felt that I was the one who, from the beginning, knew what I wanted from a relationship and a partner. Instead of being a new persn in the same kind of relationship I had been in, we became our own people. My relationship with Ray is awesome, my relationship with Kevin (before drugs) was awesom, but the two are absolutely nothing alike. Tis is hard to detail because I obviously never wanted to "replace" Kevin or find an identical person. In a lot of ways I found someone very much his opposite. However, I assumed that the same elements to my first experience of a happy marriage would inevitably be at the forefront of any other happy, healthy relationship. A small aside here: I feel like I am writing in circles without a cohesive way to unravel this narrative. Perhaps I shouldn't try to cram it all int one entry, yet I knowI am going to try. Soo, Ray and I have had a good relationship. In the beginning things were rocky because we struggled with the friends becoming more-than-friends process. Ray definitely held back a lot more than and ha to be sure that he wanted and was ready for a relationship with not just me, but with Miss Gloria. Once Ray decided that he was in, he was in! I, on the other hand, kept parts of myself out of the equation. I certainly loved him and appreciated him, but I was insecure about a lot, doubtful about my future unfolding with him. I am no sure if it was because I worried that in the ed he would bail, or if it was because I realized that I didn't know myself what it was I wanted in life anymore. I tend to think it is more of the latter. I had set my future out with Kevin and when that was ripped out from under me I never developed my own sense of the future beyond being Gloria's mom and a daughter to my parents and Kevin's parents. I honestly didn't think beyond that as far as marrying, adding to my family, my education, a career, where I wanted to live, etc. I coasted by on these issues even while Ray and I started to hammer our what "we" wanted. I went along passively, because I did love Ray and did believe that we were good for each other. The moment of truth, however, was the proposal. What should I say? That I held stubbornly to my own sadness, my hard won right to greive, as an excuse for giving less than 100%? Unfortunately, I have to admit that it is true. The good news is that the initial question and answer put my head back into gear. I knew it wasn't fair to go forward anymore without examining the situation. The result was that I gave Ray the impression that wanted to give him "an out." He insisted, stubbornly I might add, that he would not let me push him away or talk him into leaving. So, I decided that I needed to have a serious heart to heart with myself. I was faced with what life woud be like with Ray or without Ray, and the answer that I got was an emphatic "Yes! I want Ray! I choose hm! I love him!" The strength and certainty with which this answer came echoing bac to me surprised even me. I knew I loved Ray, I just didn't realize how much! Once I made that decision there was an even bigger bonus, because suddenly the doors were open for us to talk about all kinds of things honestly. We found ourselves in the deepest kind of love possible and I could not be happier! To be continued. . . .