I am writing at 2am so please excuse stupid typos, etc. I just feel like there is something inside of me bursting to come out and perhaps the act of writing will help roll the right words off of my tongue. Life has been confusing for me lately. Confusing in that when I fell apart when Kevin died I considered it a different me and that I would eventually make it back to the same core of myself that I had before that event. Instead, I find that I have become this other person. It is hard to explain except that I see the world through different eyes. Things that I held such passion for are easier to push to the back of my mind. I want so badly to go back to that person that I was, the person who could be passionate and happy and honest about everything. Instead, I feel like this filthy person who is so covered in darkness and mud that there is no way light will show through me again. I miss my faith most of all. I feel like I have shut down so completely. In order for me to connect to God emotionally, I need to connect to God intellectually. Of course, this hasn't happened since I haven't been to church in almost a year. There is a part of me that is too tired to think about any of it. I have moments of happiness, glimmers of excitement and one breaths worth of feeling like I did before.
It wasn't like life was peachy keen before. It is just that the world was in much more black and white colors. All of this grey has gotten me down. I find the only "normalcy" in my life is when I am grieving for Kevin. The rest of life is shrouded in the physical pain and exhaustion of depression and fibromyalgia, two conditions that no one seems to understand or believe. I find myself fighting small battles just to keep afloat. Things are definitely better when I am exercising regularly, but it is hard to stay motivated when I am isolated in it. I wish I knew how to just find a workout buddly locally. We don't have to be best friends, just two people looking to reach the same fitness goals.
"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull, and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul. At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head and you, you cool my desire. Whoa, I'm on fire" (I'm on Fire, Bruce Springsteen).
Then, when I am the edge of complete and utter meltdown God continues to pull me back. There are all of these strange components to it. This sounds silly but I feel like God places songs in my life to speak to me. It isn't like I feel like every song I hear is MEANT for ME or to guide me. It is more that when I can be totally caught in my thoughts and emotions and suddenly hear a song out shopping, at work, on television, etc and it brings me back to my internal home, or if you will, my starting place. Some examples- I was leaving the cemetary once and just bawling uncontrollably. Gloria had been asleep in the back and started to wake so I turned the radio on to calm down and what pops on but the B-52's "Rock Lobster." Naturally, this is a silly and ridiculous song, but for me it always reminds me of the way that Kevin would light up when he heard this song. He'd make his hands into little claws and sway back and forth, snapping them in the air and yelling "Rock Lobster!!!" So, I feel like God had to give me a true, heartfelt laugh in spite of the sadness I feel. Another time I was at the doctor's office and sitting in the exam room worrying about how to explain the feelings and pain I have had when the song How to Save a Life by the Fray came on and it put into words and song exactly the pain of the situation I was in. It made me sad, but I needed to be able to express that to the doctor at that moment instead of trying to make everything sound ok, because I don't want to disappoint the doctor.
There are songs for times, places, and emotions, just as there are sights, smells, and textures. Sometimes I just want to seek out some of those reminders and be ok for five or ten minutes in my fantasy world. At least once a week I curl up in Kevin's robe and journal. But then I take it off, get dressed and go out and spend a fantastic day with Ray doing family stuff and feeling alive again. It is sometimes a difficult juxtaposition for me to balance. I have been spending time getting closer to friends from my past, people who knew Kevin but not that well. I feel hyper-aware of my journey through adulthood. Has anyone else felt this? Am I just being a weirdo because it is now 2:30 am? I don't know!
Anyway, I am clinging to Ray, my friends and my families (Duncan and Henry) to keep my head going in the right direction. As always, I will try to keep y'all updated. I am not actually sure if anyone reads this but me and yet I feel compelled to write as if someone, somewhere is listening, Thank you, if you are! This is good therapy for me :-)
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