Ok Life, you can let up anytime now!

Life has taken a lot of interesting turns in this past week. I always said, "If losing Kevin didn't break me, this isn't going to break me." I have since been broken. That isn't to say that what has happened is worse or harder than losing Kevin, because that is on it's own level that cannot be compared to any other tragedy in my life. No, I mean that I have been broken in the sense that I finally believe that I have to develop a thick skin, to admit to myself that some people really are toxic and that I am not going to be liked by every person I know. I know that those who love me have been waiting for me to harden up, simply because it hurts them every time I get hurt. It sounds sad, but honestly I am 29 so I've had a good run at remaining optimistic and idyllic.

I don't even know how to talk about what has been going on. I don't want to stir the pot anymore than it already has been. I'll just say that it has been hard for my family as I have moved toward independence. There is a protectiveness that is heightened by what I have been through. The truth is that being an adult on my own is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to make everyone happy and I don't want them to see my faults. I know that it is human to feel that way, but for me it goes deeper. I have equated acceptance with love. I feel like the way I know my family loves me is if they are happy with every decision I make. So, when I say I am getting thick skin, I mean I am having to be satisfied with knowing myself. I can no longer try to explain and justify everything that I do. I realize that people who really know me don't question me or think badly of me, but those who struggle with my independence start to worry that I am headed down a bad path. This all sounds so melodramatic and I don't want it to be. I didn't join a cult or start stealing things or drinking myself into oblivion.

I am, above all, a flawed woman and I struggle with demons that seem like they are getting the best of me all the time. Depression has been an albatros around my neck that I have no idea how to undo. My fibromyalgia seems to have taken me to further depths where I feel like between my sadness and my chronic pain this life is just not worth it. However, I keep getting up; I keep examining my mistakes and trying to do better. More importantly, I take a step back to consider all that I have been blessed with, starting with Kevin. Even with all of the hard times and sadness, he was the love of my life, my husband, the father of my child and my best friend. I never thought I would be able to ever find love after experiencing what I had with him and I remain eternally grateful for him.

Of course, I can't talk about blessings and the grace of God without mentioning Miss G. She makes me crazy with her tantrums, her strongwilled nature, her contrary answer to everything I say, and fiery temper. She also humbles me with her sweet nature, her kindness, her quick wit, her fire for life, and how she brings all that is hard in my day to a screeching halt when she gives me hugs and kisses. She is the most amazing person in my life and, while she certainly challenges me, she also gives me the strength to get up each day and keep going. She is this incredible piece of Kevin that I am so grateful for, and yet she is entirely her own little person.

Then there is Ray, who has surprised me with his ability to understand me, his patience for the grief that I will always be processing, his laughter and teasing, and his insistance that despite the hard pasts we have struggled with the future is going to be amazing and good. What is even more amazing to me, is that he has made me believe that. Suddenly I have a best friend again, a partner and a confidant who truly believes in me. In some ways we look like an unlikely pair, but in many ways it seems like we were made for each other. For coming from such different backgrounds and challenges, we are amazingly alike. However, there are things about him that push me to be a better person.

Finally, on an individual level I have to be thankful for my inlaws. Kevin's parents are TRULY my "second" parents in every sense of the word. They have stood by me, helped me through the hardest times, loved me like their own daughter, and we have laughed, cried and drank our way through the darkest hours. It is so much more than them just wanting a relationship with Gloria. We have a bond that, for better or worse, holds us together as a family. I am more Henry now than I ever have been and love them so dearly.

Ok, so after starting a post that sounded dramatic and juicy I have instead listed out blessings. Perhaps I am not quite as jaded as I think I am. Still, I am learning to cut certain people out of my life, not because I don't love them, but because I refuse to invite more angst and chaos into my life. I am not the person I was at 19 and that mostly a good thing. Yes, my boyfriend spends the night and yes, I watch Family Guy. I occasionally drink to much and snort when I laugh. I can even be stupid and caddy at times. I make it to church maybe once a month these days and instead of reading a good book at night I waste time on Farmville. Still, I am a good person and believe that my relationship with God and confidence in myself is only growing stronger.

In the words of Eminem:

It's been a ride.

I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one.

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out just follow me

I'll get you there.

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together through the storm

Whatever weather cold or warm

Just letting you know that you're not alone

Hollar if you feel like you've been down the same road.