I am going through the difficult transition into the fall. Fall has always been my favorite season, and I find nothing more romantic than a thunderstorm. Unfortunately, this fall has brought about more heartache, a tender longing for companionship that is hard for me to cope with. In some ways it is strange to feel lonely. For a long time I wrapped myself in the robe of grief and sustained myself with the memory of Kevin. It wasn't like being single, because I considered Kevin's memory a fulfilling companion. Of course, that delusion can only go so far and then begin to deteriorate. So, I am now left with a double-edged sword - both grieving Kevin AND feeling like I want to find a companion. It isn't a comparison thing, or a replacement for Kevin at all. In fact, I think I am very sensitive to not wanting to ever think of guys as how they are and aren't like Kevin. Now I feel like I am prattling on about nothing and making it seem too complicated.
The truth is that I sometimes feel like I have a double life. There is this very deeply personal part of me that grieves every day, that thinks of Kevin a million times a day over stupid things like wanting to ask him a computer question, or share gossip with him, and this is the part of me that pulls so fiercely inward. It is as if I can't handle talking to other people through my grief. I just want to be alone and be as sad as I need to be, to cry as long as I want, and to say that I am still heart broken over losing Kevin. Then, just in the past year, this other part of me has emerged. This part of me is learning to live in those moments. So much of grief is just living through a moment, whereas "real" living is about being mindful of your experiences.
So, this second part of me is what makes me so nervous these days. It is almost as if I am re-entering life and not quite sure how to go about it. My feelings are sometimes so conflicted and the happiest moments with my friends, family and my daughter can randomly bring an intense longing for Kevin's presence. Yet, I am finally realizing that I do want to live, that I do believe that God can have a plan for my happiness, and that perhaps I may even find someone special again. It is hard for me to talk about it because it feels like a betrayal of Kevin somehow. Yet, I loved being his friend, wife, and partner and want to be that with someone again someday.
I have definitely fumbled around the dating process. I have discovered how totally naive I am about what dating is in your 20's and 30's. The few guys I have attempted to date taught me very quickly that they really wanted to keep all of their options open, they didn't really want to proclaim the fact that we were "dating" to anyone, and in the end it just felt like I was too much for them for some reason. It was painful for me. It was hard to start to open my heart up, which has been so badly broken, and then have people treat me casually. However, those two brief tumbles with dating have shed light on what is important to me. I really want someone who can be honest with me and not play games, someone who likes to spend time with me, someone who gets my dark and sarcastic humor, someone who isn't high maintenance or really materially motivated, someone who respects me, but also sees my free and fun side. Perhaps this man will never really come into my life, perhaps I will go ahead with the original plan to live out my 70 years without Kevin and finally be welcomed home by him when my time comes. Still, it is nice to feel the excitement of possibility again.
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