What is wrong with me?

This Friday I am finally going to have a night out. I am going to the CD release party for the band, Patience Gloria, in Chicago. One of the band members/song writer is my good friend, Sarah's, brother. I like to think that my little Gloria was an unconscious inspiration for the band. It has been quite some time since I have gone anywhere social without Gloria, especially something that sounds as cool as a CD release party :-)

I have been trying to rework my lifestyle lately, but have fallen into a bad rut for the past few days. It seems like all my brain wants is refined sugar, and I have obliged it early and often. So, part of my writing tonight is to try and get myself back on track. Lately, I feel like I have written a lot of words without much actual connection to my psyche. So, while it may be alarming to some, for me it is just what I need to do. My true goals are:
1. Get my fibromyalgia under control without the use of major opiad pain medications.
2, Get my energy level up without aggravating my fibromyalgia and TMJ symptoms.
3. Eat better to lose weight and help my other health issues.
4, Figure out how to start a work out program that won't make me feel worse and shut down.

I know that these ideas feel overwhelming. It is like "where do I start?" in trying to get together. It seems like I am stuck in my head every day and not sharing what I made for dinner or if I got any exercise. I want to find some time of Instant Messanger accountability so that even if I can't find a workout partner near by I could at least have some online support and comradery. The problem is, I am not motivated by strangers. So, what I want is someone to check in with me of what I have eaten, what my victories have been, my failures, and my plan to meet my goals the next day. I know this is all over the place.

The truth is, I am in constant pain. On a good day I can function at a low level for a few hours and get laundry done or grocery shopping completed. On a bad day I can't hardly get out of bed to eat, dread walking to the bathroom, lay in bed with muscles clenched in pain and my fists held tightly to my chest. I feel completely depressed on these days, No one understands why I just shut down. It is so painful it makes me wish I were brave enough to just end it all. I am scared for myself and I don't know how to change this. I am so alone, and I feel like I have nothing to offer this world. I am just a worn out and confused woman who is needy and poor. I don't even feel like a good mother. I just don't have the energy to do it, What is wrong with me?