Here I Will Remain

There is a lot of emotional unrest going around these days. It seems like tempers are flaring and people are just generally unhappy with each other. Of course, this isn't true across the board . . . I just feel like there is a negative energy in the air. Usually, I think of summer as bringing people to a happier, more carefree place. I am not sure if it is the weather, or just bad timing. My personal take on it is just to ride it out. I feel like the pressure is just building around me and I want to retreat into my hole for awhile.



I have been at odds with my parents for about a week now. My life has been changing in lots of big ways and it seems to be hard for people to be comfortable with. I think that there has been a lot comfort in the familiarity of my grief-stricken self. I, too, have felt the pull of wanting to stay the same in spite of things moving around me. Certainly, I wanted to stay Kevin's wife in my mind even though in real life there is nothing for me in that place. I have been resigned to a life of emptiness and lonliness, just waiting for the day I can be released from the prison of my body. In all honesty, I never thought I would be capable of feeling real joy again.

Fortunately for me, I was wrong. Although every day remains a struggle, and I continue to miss Kevin with a depth that I cannot begin to describe, I have also realized that I am in this life for better or worse. My choices are: lay down and die, or get up and live. I think of Kevin again and again, and I try to imagine what he would say to me. It isn't the old cliche, "He would want me to be happy," but rather he made me happy. He would want to be here with me, he would want to be the one making me smile, and he would want to be the one chasing Lil G around. He isn't though, and I can't change that. So, regardless, I want me to be happy. I want me to smile again, to chase Gloria with joy, and to be the kind of person that I was with Kevin - complete. I have incomplete for so long, and it is a great disservice to myself.

I know this is a long ramble. I am not sure that I even make sense to anyone at all. However, I feel the need to put these words out there. I feel the need to be real about this journey. I don't ask for much, and I am always thankful for the times when I have been given an abundance beyond what I expected. I never expected to feel like I wanted to live again. Here I am, and as long as God wills it, here I will remain.