"There is such a thing as good grief, just ask Charlie Brown"

Life is so unexpected. For all of the moments that seem to go by in slow motion, so painful or beautiful, there are other moments that seem to catapult us forward into the abyss of the future. Right now, I am in that moment. I have to say that the majority of the past year has been spent waiting for death. I have felt like I just wanted some way to know when my end was in sight. Once my headstone was in I felt so at peace, like my work as Kevin's wife was done and I could just lay down on the grass and exhale life right out of me. Then, there is always Gloria pulling and dragging me back into the present, reminding me that life is bigger than Kevin and I, and that I can get through this. Still, in my heart, I just wanted to get the parenting over with and get my rest next to Kevin. Even I couldn't look inward and assess just how numb I have been.

Now, on the eve of the new year, I feel like new life has been breathed into me. I feel like God has suddenly opened another window. I have had such an outpouring of love and support to get through the holidays and the anniversary of Kevin's death I can't begin to describe it all. From Jenny's trips out to see me on several occasions to my sister's miraculous way of turning tears into laughter to Liz's quiet way of just being next to me. Now, I can add to that list a returned friend of Kevin's, Bud, who has come out of the background to be a caring part of my life as well. My in-laws have been so generous with me and do not hold back one ounce of love from Gloria. My parents have been patient with me, altering their lives and working double duty to give me small moments to myself. What a year! I feel like Kevin would be proud of me. I feel like I can start to see his imperfections again, just enough to know that perhaps God knew best in relieving him from such pain and sadness.

New Year's eve was spent with Bud, enjoying watching Gloria play and talking into the wee hours of the morning. We watched the ball drop in New York at 11 and danced to the music in his living room, then we finished the real countdown in Chicago to ring in the new year. I was on the phone with Jenny, who has the most caring voice ever. If you ever need someone to say the words "It's going to be all right" and you believe it will be, have Jenny say them. So, I told her that I love her and she told me she loved me. Such a small thing to say and yet so huge when your heart is cracked. So, I turned from the warmth of Jenny's voice over the phone to watch the final countdown hugging my little Gloria and giving her kisses. Being there with Gloria, held in the embrace of Kevin's friend and now my friend, Bud, I felt like the new year could possibly be embraced. This past year has been the worst ever, just trying to learn to live without my love. So, in the words of the Counting Crows, "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe next year will be better than the last. I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass . . . If you think that I could be forgiven, I wish you would."
I must get to bed, get some real rest, get crackin on my new year's resolutions.