Losing It.

I have really been struggling. I feel the impending one year mark of Kevin's death around my neck like an anchor pulling me down, down, down. When I talk to people, I put up a good front. I am making jokes and talking about nonsense like I haven't a care in the world. Inside, I am curling up into a tiny ball. I have no time to grieve. I wait until Gloria is dead asleep in the middle of the night to creep out of bed, pull Kevin's shirt out of the closet and put it on, and just cry for him. I put some of his cologne on it so that it smells like him. When I press it against my cheek in the dark I almost believe that he is still here with me. I don't hardly see him in my dreams anymore, which is a great sadness to me.

This coming Saturday through Monday are going to be some of the longest days of my life. I just keep thinking, "These were my last days with Kevin and I didn't even know it." I keep running over what we did, what we said, and how I tried to hold onto him. I keep thinking that if I can just figure out why I will somehow be set free. But there is no why. There is no freedom. This is just what my life is now. Sometimes I get so mad at Kevin just because I never wanted to move on without him. I am so lonely but I don't want anyone else. I really want some time to myself to talk to God. I want to tell God all of the things that I can't tell Kevin. Instead I just keep curling up, smaller and smaller. I sometimes feel like the depth of me has died with Kevin. Now I am all fluff and surface. My deeper thoughts, dreams and ideas are just struck down with no one to hear them out.

I hate to be morose again. I know that I can get dark, which bothers everyone. The truth is, I just need to be sad right now. I need to cry and be upset. I hate myself when I can't be the terrified person that I am. I want so badly to be able to just be dark and sad and not feel like I have to keep being strong.