Lay Lady Lay

Oh, it has been a difficult day. I went to the grave early with my mother-in-law to drop off a swag of greens and winterberry for Kevin. I cried and cried while my mother in law kept asking if I was ok to drive. Oh, it has been a difficult day.

I spent the afternoon with my childhood friend, Jenny, baking sugar cookies. It was really good to be distracted and have the time go by quickly. We made all sorts of snowmen, trees, stars and bells. I even made one all black snowman to symbolize how I feel. When Gloria is with me I find it hard to grieve, simply because I have to keep my strength up to watch her. If I could do anything, I would just lie on the floor motionless and let it all soak into me slowly. I would give myself some patience to feel the sadness and miss Kevin with all of the horror and terror that is in my heart when I think of this day last year.

My heart breaks again when I remember that feeling, walking down the stairs to see the policewoman at the door and already knowing what she was going to say. I remember screaming, I remember falling to the floor and just sobbing. There was this horror that I can not describe. I felt like I would never be able to live again. Now, it is a full year later. The sadness is still there, although the urgency of wanting to die too has subsided slightly. I try not to really remember what it felt like to be with Kevin. I like to tell stories with a safe distance from really thinking about what that felt like. But if I close my eyes I can still feel the roughness of his palm, the little rough edges of his fingernails, and the light kiss of hair on the back of his hand. I can still feel the sweetness of his kiss, almost always with a little rough stubble that drove me nuts. I can still hear him calling me honey.

In the words of The Fray, "I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life . . ."