A Good Night After All

Tonight was a really fun night. My in-laws agreed to watch Gloria for a few hours so that I could go out for a bit. I picked up my pal, Sarah, and we headed over to Quigley's in downtown Naperville. She had never been there and I hadn't been there in years (I used to go there with Kevin when I was in college). Kevin's friend, Bud, stopped by to hang out with us as well and we all had a good time. It was the first time since my birthday that I have been out without Gloria for fun.

I think that I am getting physically sick just over the stress. Gloria has been incredibly fussy and clingy, probably due to all of the extra excitement of Christmas and being babysat while I work longer hours. I find myself waking up with my hands clenched into tight painful fists and my shoulders hunched. My jaw has been an awful painful wreck. So, if I have seemed a bit cranky or snappy it is probably that. I just feel like in the new year I am ready to move forward a little bit and take baby steps towards entering the land of the living. Getting a little time away from Gloria last night made me realize how lonely I have been for adult time. It was both wonderful to feel like I had some me time, but also deeply shocking how empty I realize that I felt. I think that I have been living life almost entirely as Gloria's mother, and not really as Michelle Henry. Without Kevin, I feel like this whole other part of me has died.

Whenever I talk about how sad I am about losing Kevin people always want to take the conversation to the joy of Gloria. That is both understandable and very true that Gloria is a reason for me to get through this. At the same time, I don't think I have ever made the decision to get through this for my own sake. I think that deep inside I feel like I would rather just be dead and buried next to Kevin. Personally, I have been kind of a shell of a person, focusing totally on Gloria as a way to get through the day. A MAJOR goal for me is to get my own place - and soon! I don't think that I can really be an independent happy person until I am able to take more control over my life. Right now, though my family loves me, they also put a lot of pressure on me to keep it together.

So, calling all friends out there! If you have suggestions on how I can find a place with a lower income I would love to know! I just don't want to live in a scary neighborhood, because I am a chicken. I don't mind living far out though, if that is Sugar Grove or Plainfield or whatever. I think that I do want to live again. I think that I can't keep saying that being Gloria's mom is enough of a reason to keep living. I just feel so totally sad and empty when I think of anything else, and the truth is, I have not built on anything personally since Kevin died. I take that back, getting a job at Williams-Sonoma was one good step that gave me some personal satisfaction apart from Gloria. Can I live again? I don't know. I guess the new year is a good time to start thinking about it though. Walt Whitman wrote, "One hour to madness and joy," and I say, "One year to madness and joy."