Blessed

We just returned from a one week adventure to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.  Hard to believe three years ago when I visited for the first time my life was so completely different.  Last time I was there I spent time sitting on the beach, writing out all of the pain and confusion of life.  I felt like I had no idea where I was headed and if I could ever find a solid place among the living again.  It seemed like all of my instincts were wrong, and I was just bumping into one failed adventure after another.  That vacation was a defining point for me, because I decided that I needed to embrace what was before me and stop worrying over who I thought I was "meant" to be.  One night we all went to the beach and in the pitch black of night, with the stars blazing down, the waves gently lapping and the wind in my ears I swear I felt like I connected with what had inspired me to love life when I was young.  Let me take you back for a moment ...

My best friend and I were a little weird.  In our eyes we were imaginative, in all of the ways that kids are best known for, but I think we took it to some new levels.  We convinced ourselves that we could control the wind.  Behind our grade school was a little field, but to us it was the expanse of the Western sky.  We loved to gallop across it, breathless, creating all types of scenarios for the urgency.  We were escaping, exploring, bursting out of the seams of what it meant to be alive.  Finally, we decided that the way we loved the wind and rain were unique.  We just knew that the way the wind in our hair or the feel of cold rain on our skin made our minds light up and our bodies want to launch into the sky must mean we were connected.  We secretly discussed this connection and how no one else must ever know of our power.  So, 25 years later I am breaking the pact.  Standing on the beach that night on Hilton Head three years ago I experienced anew that feeling of vitality and importance.  I realized that even though I couldn't see it, I could still feel that connection to God and nature that had made me believe in my future when I was just a child.

This visit brought some of that rebirth full circle.  I am back in the game of life, and I have a place that feels like home again.  I wondered if my return to that beach in light of all that has changed would perhaps mute the effect of that one night on the beach.  I discovered that it only enhanced it.  The love that swelled in my heart that night has only been enhanced.  I am still the same woman - I still feel confused and alone sometimes, I still miss Kevin in ways that words won't ever do justice to, and I am still sustained by the love of my God, my family and my friends.  Now, I get to add so many more blessings to the table.  Truly, truly, truly I am a blessed woman and I promise to never forget that.