michellehenry80

To a Stranger

2011-10-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

Just when I think there aren't any more surprise boxes to open or any little memories that lie in wait for me around a corner, another shows up. While sorting through a box of random toys that had been left at the Henry's after I moved to Arkansas I came across a little wooden box that I remembered belonged to Kevin. When I opened it I saw that he had saved all of the notes, letters and cards that I had written him in the years before we were married. It was a bittersweet discovery, as usual. I haven't been able to read through them all. Anyone who knows me, knows I am very wordy! However, I sifted through the pile and read a few of the notes that caught my eye. In particular, I noticed a poem that I had copied for him from my favorite poet, Walt Whitman. It is eerie in the way that it now encapsulates so much of my life, love and memories of being with Kevin.

To A Stranger
Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream),
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only
Nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass,
You take of my face, breast, hands in return,
I am not to speak to you.
I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

A prelude

2011-09-14T07:56:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the most vivid dream I have had in a long time. In it my in-laws were visiting here in Arkansas, except for some reason Arkansas was now ocean adjacent. They had rented space on a small ship and wanted Ray and I to get married there by the captain. The night they arrived I went to see the ship and the small city where it was harbored, and I was totally captivated by it all. There was a cathedral lit up in the night by hundreds of candles, an ocean that was glowing an irredescant bluish green, punctuated by the bright white ship. I went into the ship with Ron and Linda because I had put Gloria to bed in their room earlier, and as soon as we entered the room she woke up and started doing her half-sleep stumble across the room towards me. Suddenly, this strange and wonderful dream took an awful turn as Gloria somehow managed to get to the deck and tottered on the edge of the ship. Linda ran to catch her and I had the feeling that they were both falling in as I jolted awake. It was the kind of dream that kept me awake for some time pondering the depth of the beauty, and trying to shake the uneasy feeling that somehow the most beautiful things in life are sometimes a prelude to the most tragic.

New Job!

2011-08-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

Ray has been working for two weeks now at his new job and is loving it. There is a difference in the way he walks, the ease of his smile, and the way he simply is. I can tell a weight is lifted. My main concern was that he would end up in a horrible job that he hated, but never walk away because he doesn't want to not be working. The good news is that not only is this a company that is big enough and healthy enough to supply opportunity for Ray to advance, but they are also good enough to already recognize his talent and work ethic from the beginning. He deserves so many good things and has lived a long life just surviving. He told me he has received more positive feedback in two weeks at this job than he did in over 9 years at Mailbox Works. When he told me that, he lifted the weight off of my shoulders as well.
As for me, I am getting ready for my first trip back to Illinois. I am mostly looking forward to the visit, because I am itching to see family and friends, to eat a Portillo's hot dog, to wander through Costco, and to take the train into the city. We are going to be there the first week of September, arguably the most beautiful month to be in Illinois. My anxiety about the trip comes from the fact that Ray won't be with us, and when I come home Gloria will be staying an extra week with her grandparents. I have never been away from Gloria for more than a night, and even then I was within driving distance of her.
What helps me with the anxiety is that Gloria has been quite the terror the past few days. I am fairly certain that she always gets difficult a few weeks before her birthday (starting with her first birthday). She is not even aware of how close her birthday is, I just think it is a growth spurt thing. This weekend she threw an old school tantrum, 2 year old style, at the store. I was surprised by it but not shocked, because with the heat and her missing having Ray around I figured she was just wound up. Then, Sunday evening she began the tantrum to end all tantrums, which ended with me taking everything out of her room except her bed and her table! I know, I know! I'm such a mean mommy! However, she is a strong-willed and intense kid, so I needed her to know I wasn't just blowing smoke. Just to give you an idea of how much this affected her, when I took most of the stuff out and came back in her room to talk to her she smiled at me calmly and said, "well you can't move my bookshelf because you aren't strong enough." So, I went ahead and carried all of her books out of her room. Then, she smiles at me again and says "I still have two toys that you left under my bed." So, I had her get them and hand them over. The good part is, she isn't sneaky or a liar, because she'd rather be in my face and defiant. I am told by parents everywhere that a strong willed child is easier in the long run, because if you instill good values in them they are strong enough to stick to them and pave their own ways. Here's to hoping!

Going through old boxes can stir up more than dust.

2011-08-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

I always suspected I was weird, but going through old boxes definitely confirmed my suspicions. Interesting things I found while going through old boxes:

1. A locket with a picture of my brother, Dan, that I used to wear in grade school because I thought it would make him like me more.
2. A picture that I took in 4th grade (sideways and across the room) of my crush, who was wearing a Bartman shirt.
3. My Brian Duncan tape.
4. A piece of tree bark carefully labeled "Papa Bear" with a picture of a rainbow.
5. 30 Washington Junior High library cards from various friends, carefully alphabetized and rubber banded together.
6. My first pair of glasses, with the round ends to wrap around my 18 month old ears.
7. A stuffed fish that my first boyfriend made me in Home Economics in 7th grade, because before I told him I liked him I used the codename "fish" to refer to him.
8. A gumball machine ring that my good friend, Ryan Phelan, gave me to make me feel better when I was dumped my freshman year of high school.
9. A beautiful birthday card with a crystal on the front, and when you open it my good friend Sarah Dobbins had written "Happy Birthday" on a post-it note so she wouldn't ruin the card!
10. A lot of bad poetry.

Second Summer

2011-06-27T18:42:00.000-05:00

I am in the midst of a second summer in my life. This may sound odd, considering I am only thirty, but not odd for those who know my life journey. It is an amazing thing to have gone from loitering in the valley of the shadow of death (quite comfortably, I might add) to being filled up with the kind of love that spills over into smiles while I am walking through the grocery store and sighs of satisfaction as I stumble through my morning routine. I am blessed. I have always known this, even when my life seemed like an endless [wait and weight] that I had to bear. I have known this because of the grace of God and His ability to let me feel the prayers that were raised all around me, like a million balloons pulling me up string by string back into the world of the living.
Father's day was wonderful this year. It is the first real father's day for Ray, and the first real father's day for Gloria. Of course I think of Kevin, but instead of just feeling sad about the loss of his presence, I actually feel his love surrounding us more than ever before. It sounds cheesy and cliche to say Kevin had a hand in bringing Ray into our lives. I guess, more than ever, I am aware of my own inability to guess at the master workings of the universe. I know that I feel so grateful to God for all that I have, for each day that I get, for having Gloria in her own right, as well as a reflection of the love between Kevin and me, for my other half, my Ray of Sunshine, and most of all, I am grateful to God for knowing what is right for me beyond anything I can ever comprehend. Life is new to me, love is fresh and wonderful, and yes, God is indeed Good.

Father's Day Smiles

2011-06-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

A Minor Rant

2011-06-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Summer, glorious summer has arrived in full force in Arkansas. Natives of this area like to talk about how mild the winters are, how fall is much longer, etc. However, by June 1st it's as if you stepped into a microwave every time you go outside! I knew it would be like this but I have to say it doesn't make it any easier. I have never been the kind of person that enjoys super hot weather. The biggest factors probably have to do with the fact that I sweat terribly no matter what I do, I feel bloated and greasy when I am hot, and I am not a big fan of swimming. I am going to try my hardest to suck it up and not complain, but so far I am not doing a very good job of it.

On a happier note, Ray is like a personal exterminator. The bugs in Arkansas are like nothing I have ever seen. Mosquitoes are hardly ever around, which is a shock to me on a lot of levels. No joke, with all the heat and moisture we've had I can still sit on the back patio and not be bothered by those horrid little beasts. There is a catch though: flys are twice as pesky here. They will literally hover by the door and wait for it to open so they can storm the gates. They aren't just looking to land on your food either; they will bite you! I don't think I had ever been bitten by a fly before I moved here! If you asked Ray he would say that the most persistant bugs here are ants. He has a personal vendetta against all ants. While he doesn't think twice about killing other bugs, he takes singular satisfaction in tracking down the sources of ants and whipeing out the nest. The other day I saw him pacing around the back yard with his customary can of bug killing spray like a person possessed. Next thing I know he is in the house grinning from ear to ear. "Michelle, I killed thousands of ants! I saw them going up and down the tree trunk and followed them to two different nests. I doused them in spray and they started to flee the nest carrying eggs, which means I got to make sure none of them escaped!" You'd think he had just found buried treasure or tracked down Osama Bin Laden for his pure elation. I am a big baby about killing any bug so it works out well for me.

All in all, I am quite happy with my new state of residence. Our house feels like home, our grocery store is as familiar as Jewel, and Wal-Mart has grown on me. I still cling fiercely to my Chicagoan self and can't wait to go back for a visit. In an odd twist I have found myself resorting back to the little Canadian accents I had started to pick up when I lived there. I think my mind is trying to keep my accent as far North as possible. Anyone who knows me knows I pick up dialect inadvertantly wherever I go, so I suppose it is just a matter of time until I cave verbally and say things like "y'all" and "that meal was dern good," but hey, there are worse things.

I Know This Much Is True

2011-05-13T14:13:00.004-05:00

There has been a series of storms making its way across our state (although people in Missouri and Alabama were hit much harder). The weather has consisted of one or two days of sunshine followed by one week of thunderstorms (with CONSTANT thundering) dotted with spots of hail, and followed by unbearable heat. Get up, dry off, and start all over again! The weather is somewhat indicative of what has been going on for me personally. I am incredibly happy in my new home and happily looking to the day when our family truly becomes complete. Wedding plans have taken a back burner to the bigger issues that we are making our way through. The greatest feeling, however, is that both Ray and I agree that getting married is the heart of the matter and all of the details surrounding that ultimately make no difference between us.

Adjusting to being here has been easy in some respects. I expected a bigger cultural shock, something along the lines of when I lived in Toronto, but things have transitioned nicely. The most difficult part has been my relationship with my families. My mom seems to still be in denial that I moved in the first place. I hear from her very rarely and when I do it's as if I am speaking to a stranger. She doesn't share little stories with me or laugh about something silly she's done. She seems distraught, distracted and uncertain of how to talk to me. I know she is unhappy that I am living with Ray and not married, and she is equally upset that we are now 609 miles away in Arkansas. I don't blame her and I don't offer big excuses for my life. The truth is I have lived a lot of my life trying to keep afloat while things hit me from side to side. Even before Kevin died I was violently ill when I was pregnant with Gloria, then after he died I developed fibromyalgia in the midst of intense grieving. Let's also keep in mind that I was also a brand new mother to the most perfect little girl. Since then I have tried to take the wheel back, however a lot of other things have kept me from ever feeling independent. The house I bought was perfect but more than I could handle financially in the end. My fibromyalgia has been a constant plague, keeping me from pursuing friendships or jobs that I might have truly excelled at. I do no re-iterate all of this to give a "poor me" story. The truth is that a part of my biggest frustration was simply the feeling that I could not get a handle on my own life, my health and my future. Powerlessness is a disease that infected every area of my life, so it seemed.

Ray and I went through our own situations to end up together. There are so many things that I truly believed and lived by when I first met Kevin. I won't say that I was naive, stupid or wrong or that I was perfect and pure. I'll just say that the circumstances were totally different. I love that I have that first love story, full of innocence and wonder. I am thankful that I had a best friend like Kevin who could grow with me and allow me to be true to all of the ideals I had set before myself. In the same way that I won't say I was naive then, I won't say that I am jaded or broken now. I am in a different circumstance. My love story with Ray is deliciously complex, full of all kinds of compromises, challenges, and triumphs. He is so different from me and has come from such a different life. We always laugh to ourselves that the first few months we knew each other we were looking at each other "through one eye, as if to say, 'Are you for real?'" We came to the table as two grown adults, confident in who we were and hesitant to give up any of our hard-won beliefs. We clashed a lot more, because we had lived through enough to realize that nothing ever truly comes easy. Life is not a battle necessarily, but it also is no cakewalk.

There are some fights in life that are worth going to the mat for. There are some things that as I get older and gain experience I become less concerned with worrying over. Ray and I are both of the mindset that life is too short to be constantly unhappy over everything. We try to be slow to anger and quick to laugh. By the time we both let our guards down we realized how much we had known all along, but hadn't been ready to accept. It is hard to be on the other side of righteousness in the strict sense of the word, but it is also a reflection of how I have grown and changed. I had the easy romance where everything went the way it was supposed to, and while I do not regret any of it, ultimately it left me stripped of almost everything. It forced me to redefine my inner "I know this much is true." Now, I can say with confidence, Ray is my other half and made me happier than ever imagined. We were meant for each other, I know this much is true.

Easter 2011

2011-04-25T18:01:00.003-05:00

Easter weekend just ended. It was a great weekend for us especially, because my in-laws and soon to be mother-in-law came down for their first visit. I know it has only been four weeks, but when you think about being apart from family it can feel like a lifetime. Gloria was totally hyped to show them around and the only bad part was that the weather has not cooperated. It has been stormy and rainy since late last week and it doesn't look like it will let up until this coming Thursday. Also, I have been fighting a nasty tooth infection since last Tuesday. Ray has been taking good care of me and we were still able to pull off our first Easter dinner together without a hitch.

I must say that having to say goodbye this morning was particularly difficult, both for Gloria and for me. I am a naturally emotional person and having a few days with my loved ones after a few weeks without made it much more difficult to say goodbye. Gloria was doing pretty well until the very last minute, and then she broke down. It is the one drawback to our new life. It is bittersweet in a way, because this is the first time in a long time that I have confidently been away from my hometown. I know that this is the right place for me for a lot of reasons, but I can't help a slight sense of panic when I think of truly rooting myself so far from where I was formed and the people who were so instrumental in forming me. I am lucky to have my Ray of Sunshine, my little Glory and Ray's sister, Jamie, who is quickly becoming one of my heroes.

A happy sidenote, one of our good friends, Valerie, was accepted into the Catholic church this weekend! What a unique and wonderful time to become officially in the fold!

Easter 2011 pics

2011-04-25T17:35:00.001-05:00

To Be Continued

2011-04-05T16:09:00.005-05:00

Here I am in Centerton, Arkansas on the forefront of our new adventure. The past few months have brought about so many major changes, yet instead of trying to get my bearing while the world spins around me, I am firmly planting one foot in front of the other. I know that many of my friends and family are particularly perturbed by the changes, and I don't blame them. I am, by nature, a cautious person who avoids change at all cost. It seems like getting engaged, getting rid of my house and moving to Arkansas would be a sign of great mental instability. I can try and detail my decisions somewhat here, but I also believe that time is necessary to prove that I have made these decisions for the right reasons. My engagement wasn't a huge surprise to those around me. It was more a matter of when than if. Still, I have to be honest that when Ray proposedI wasn't entirely prepared for what that meant. I always thought that Ray was the one who held back from me, watching our relationship unfold with happy surprise, but also hesitation. I felt that I was the one who, from the beginning, knew what I wanted from a relationship and a partner. Instead of being a new persn in the same kind of relationship I had been in, we became our own people. My relationship with Ray is awesome, my relationship with Kevin (before drugs) was awesom, but the two are absolutely nothing alike. Tis is hard to detail because I obviously never wanted to "replace" Kevin or find an identical person. In a lot of ways I found someone very much his opposite. However, I assumed that the same elements to my first experience of a happy marriage would inevitably be at the forefront of any other happy, healthy relationship. A small aside here: I feel like I am writing in circles without a cohesive way to unravel this narrative. Perhaps I shouldn't try to cram it all int one entry, yet I knowI am going to try. Soo, Ray and I have had a good relationship. In the beginning things were rocky because we struggled with the friends becoming more-than-friends process. Ray definitely held back a lot more than and ha to be sure that he wanted and was ready for a relationship with not just me, but with Miss Gloria. Once Ray decided that he was in, he was in! I, on the other hand, kept parts of myself out of the equation. I certainly loved him and appreciated him, but I was insecure about a lot, doubtful about my future unfolding with him. I am no sure if it was because I worried that in the ed he would bail, or if it was because I realized that I didn't know myself what it was I wanted in life anymore. I tend to think it is more of the latter. I had set my future out with Kevin and when that was ripped out from under me I never developed my own sense of the future beyond being Gloria's mom and a daughter to my parents and Kevin's parents. I honestly didn't think beyond that as far as marrying, adding to my family, my education, a career, where I wanted to live, etc. I coasted by on these issues even while Ray and I started to hammer our what "we" wanted. I went along passively, because I did love Ray and did believe that we were good for each other. The moment of truth, however, was the proposal. What should I say? That I held stubbornly to my own sadness, my hard won right to greive, as an excuse for giving less than 100%? Unfortunately, I have to admit that it is true. The good news is that the initial question and answer put my head back into gear. I knew it wasn't fair to go forward anymore without examining the situation. The result was that I gave Ray the impression that wanted to give him "an out." He insisted, stubbornly I might add, that he would not let me push him away or talk him into leaving. So, I decided that I needed to have a serious heart to heart with myself. I was faced with what life woud be like with Ray or without Ray, and the answer that I got was an emphatic "Yes! I want Ray! I choose hm! I love him!" The strength and certainty with which this answer came echoing bac to me surprised even me. I knew I loved Ray, I just didn't realize how much! Once I made that decision there was an even bigger bonus, because suddenly the doors were open for us to talk about all kinds of things honestly. We found ourselves in the deepest kind of love possible and I could not be happier! To be continued. . . .

Mardi Gras 2011!

2011-03-09T01:52:00.003-06:00

The Big "W" (Widow Vs. Wife)

2011-03-05T00:25:00.004-06:00

I am in the midst of change, but then again, aren't we all? Sometimes, I feel as though when Kevin died I sucked dry all of the avenues of help that I had been given in a lifetime. No saving this or that sympathy for a later trial in life; it all went into keeping me afloat when I lost him. So many arms reached out to pull me up, to take the burdens that they could, and to stop me from being swallowed whole by the tragedy that would define so much of who I am today. I hate that Kevin turned into this one thing, this big black hole that I fell into. It is hard for me to analyze the life I had with Kevin with any type of certainty or clarity. I know that I had so many happy times with him, but what about the angry times? What were our fights like (before the fight for his life)? Were we really ever two kids in love? It is all so convoluted now and I don't know how to sort through it. In some ways I feel as though my current life is held up to the standard of that other life, the life before widowhood. Widow is this word that has also swallowed me, and I don't want to let go of it! However, I feel like a widow gets to live out her life quietly, with dignity and quiet repose. A widow doesn't have to keep fighting for life! A widow can sit and cry alone, but she can't go out and laugh with friends, and she certainly does not remarry. Now that I'm in love again, officially, I probably shouldn't cry as much, right? Well perhaps I don't cry as much., but I still cry. Cry isn't even the right word -- I weep, I grieve, I wail.

Ray is very patient, and certainly he appreciates that I feel things so deeply. He has told me before that although he doesn't have a lot of respect for Kevin (given the damage he left behind) he still loves that I speak of Kevin with love and respect. He says it shows more of who I am than who he was. It is odd for me to heart that, because somewhere in my head I have always believed that if Kevin and Ray were to meet outside of this situation, they might have been best of friends. I have the overwhelming sense that Kevin sees Ray, and perhaps, had a hand in bringing us together. At the very least I feel as though Kevin would approve. He would be relieved to see me smile like I mean it (to steal a line from The Killers). However, there is no denying that for the past four and a half years I have been "Kevin's Widow" and "Mrs. Henry," yet by the end of the year I will be "Ray's Wife" and "Mrs. Pace." Just like I fought the notion of giving up the title "wife" for "widow,"now I cling as reverently as ever to the latter.

I am definitely working on building a life again. I am trying to balance these two lives side by side. There is no need to have a split personality, but I have to work out the balance all over again. The happiness I feel when I am with Ray is challenged by the guilt I can feel when I am by myself. Sometimes, I just want to suspend time while I am in Ray's arms and let myself feel irrevocably happy again. I want to steal back some of the innocence that was lost when death came knocking in my life. When I talk to other people who are working through grief, I realize that my situation isn't nearly so unique as it feels to be. No matter how old people get, they still feel like an orphan when their parent dies. My Grandma N. was widowed twice, and the second time around wasn't any easier. If you love someone and lose them, it will forever change you. I keep my good friend from churches words of wisdom at the forefront of my mind, "Life won't ever be the same, but it can be good again."

Right now, life is good again and I am holding onto the moments that remind me of the joy of living. For a long time it was singular moments that barely strung together the hours of my day: cuddling with my daughter, gabbing with my mother, out enjoying the sunshine with my mother-in-law, or an unexpected call or email from a good friend. Now, the moments of grief are fewer and further between, and the things that make me happy wrap around me and hold me tight. All I know right now is that God is good, life is good, and I am thankful for the person that these two elements are shaping me to be.

Am I Dreaming?

2011-02-11T00:46:00.003-06:00

There are many ways to come at life. Lately, I have been taking it in leaps and bounds. Life has never seemed dull to me, but there have certainly been times when it feels like it has crawled by at a snail's pace. I recently got engaged; I didn't even realize how much that would change me. My relationship with Ray has been fantastic, and it just got even better. Getting engaged obviously signifies a deeper commitment, and that commitment has fostered conversations that have opened both of our hearts in new ways. We sit up late at night like we are having a slumber party, just talking and laughing and learning about each other. Suddenly I see this new future ahead of me, a bright light on the horizon of my life. Don't get me wrong, I obviously saw a wonderful future with Ray before we got engaged. However, there has been a black cloud that shrouded my heart, a kind of dark fog that I never envisioned being able to shake off. Memory can be a cruel trickster, drawing us into a fantasy that we do not want to let go of. I have felt a lot of guilt about being happy with someone else. I have worried that my love for Ray would somehow diminish my love for Kevin. In reality, they are two separate entities. Truly, one fostered the capacity for the other.

There are still times when I realize that I am forgetting what it felt like to be in Kevin's arms, to hear his voice, to know him as well as I knew myself. As we move forward more and more I find myself dreaming of Ray, leaning on his shoulder when I cry, breathing in his scent for comfort, and I can't help but be happy again. I look at Ray and all I can think about is how grateful I am to have him in my life. God has truly opened my heart again, and love is every bit as powerful this time around. I have to say, Ray is definitely his own man, and not in any way a shadow of Kevin. He is not threatened by Kevin's memory and he does not shy away from my need to talk about the past. What I didn't realize was that in my desire to protect my right to grieve I was also protecting against truly opening up my heart. God has been working on me, guiding me and whispering in my ear. The change is ineffable, yet here I am trying to nail it down. All I can say is that I have confidence in my future now. I am happy . . . excited . . . even GIDDY about it! How did this happen? How is it that God lead me beyond the valley of the shadow of death? If I have already lived a lifetime in my thirty years, what more is possible in the next sixty? I don't know, but I do believe it is worth finding out.

Sand and Stone

2011-01-25T15:02:00.004-06:00

There are some days that I truly feel I have built my house upon the sand. The winds have kicked up and out from under me, all around me, crashing in Divine fury as my house is about to tumble down. It is my own fault, a domino effect brought about by each pillar that I have erected, side by side, in a precarious game on the verge of toppling everything I thought I was working toward. The past few weeks has felt like a lifetime. A week before Christmas I had reached the culmination of a mental metamorphosis that God had started in my heart and spread to the furthest corners of my brain. I knew that I had not been living my life the way I should, that I had pushed my own knowledge, instincts and morals to a tiny nut-sized shell behind my ribs and promptly ignored the dull pain it caused until it erupted into bigger problems. The thing is, from the outside most people wouldn't see the issue that I had with my life at this point. I have been dating the most amazing man, living with him successfully since September, working hard at my job, keeping afloat with my daughter, and all the while talking a good game about how it felt. Meanwhile, I knew better.

I struggle with depression, fibromyalgia (fatigue, chronic pain, foggy thinking, etc.), anxiety and a million other things. This combination of issues has brought me to the brink of my capacity many times. I hate the pain and I feel so alone in my exhaustion and sadness. I get the feeling that other people think I cry too much or make uncomfortable jokes. It is hard to feel like I am always pulling in, trying to reserve my strength but losing touch with everyone as a consequence. Ray has been one of the few people that doesn't flinch when I get so raw, and instead holds me closer. I have lived through a lot and learned a lot, but never have I been as humbled as I am right now/ I realized that I have been holding back so much from Ray, waiting with a sense of uncertainty that had nothing truly to do with him. The thing is, memory is a deceptive beast that I am haunted by. One of the reasons I am thankful that I have kept a journal is that it brings me back to the emotions of the moment. There were a lot of hard times with Kevin and my mind has done a good job of editing them. Unconsciously, I was holding my perception of my relationship with Ray up to the shining example of a love lost, an impossible memory that was nothing like the reality. As I came across journal entries from my time with Kevin I realized it was always complicated, even though we truly loved each other, and we still had to fight to stay together. Ray is the kind of man that will fight for me, always. He is an independent person, used to relying on himself, which I think was hard for me. I had been somewhat trained to feel loved because I was needed. I am not phrasing this very well. I am still wrapping my own head around it. I suddenly realize that I have no reason to hold back with Ray. It's scary, but also fantastic and wonderful. How did this happen? When did I fall so deeply in love?

So, here I am with a new purpose and a renewed sense of faith. I am struggling to allow God to give me the grace that I certainly don't deserve. There have been decisions in my life that I am not proud of, humble moments that only God has truly seen. The word sin has been blown apart, leaving a deep aching for grace that I think I somehow must initiate. It seems to simple just to ask for it, just to receive it. It seems that I must work for it, somehow examine my heart and sweep out every little speck until it is ready to receive grace. Even though the very essence of grace defies my logic, I continue to pretend that my mind and body are somehow capable of manufacturing it, like a magic elixer. So, each day I am purposely asking God to help me let go of the past, to experience the happiness of stable love, and to feel the entirety of His sweet grace. I was raised to believe I had the keys to determine right from wrong, black from white, etc. Like all humans before me, I grew up and learned that nothing is as simple as it seems. I continue to fall into sinful traps that put me in the position to see the other side of the line I had so definitively drawn. Though my house has come tumbling down, I realize that beneath the sand there is a bed of rock, a solid place that cradles me and as long as I hold to God's hand cupped above me, I know I won't be blown to nothing.

Eternal Optimist

2010-12-19T23:04:00.003-06:00

There is a reason for the season. I get frustrated when people declare the cliche that Christmas is all commercialized, that the true meaning of Christmas is lost within the frenzy of materialism and so forth. It honestly makes me want to sit them down and lecture. Granted, I am a person of faith and an optimist / idealist. I know that greed and materialism are at the center of many shallow people's existence. There are plenty of people who take gifts for granted and do not appreciate what has gone into them. At the same time, by and large, the people that I know genuinely care about Christmas. Just because they are excited about getting gifts doesn't mean that the item received is all that they are excited about. It is interesting to see what people pick for me, and it is equally interesting to me to figure out what I think other people would want.

I work in retail, at a small store called Williams-Sonoma. Although it is a very big company, the store itself is incredibly homey and personal. I have been at the Naperville store for three years now and each year I reach the same conclusion: I like people. I like the people that I work with, I like most of the people that come into the store, I like the things we carry and truly enjoy sharing those things with other people. In fact, there is a sense of satisfaction when I get to recommend a product that I know well and someone else buys it. It is almost like being able to give the gift myself in a way. This isn't to say that I don't get frustrated with people; I do! Or that all of our products are absolutely the best; they aren't! It is just that after working long days with a packed store I realize that being tired is often the only casualty.

Furthermore, Christmas opens the door to reconnect with people and to show others that you think of them and care about them. There aren't a lot of days set aside to do that. In fact, I can't think of a single other holiday where you do little things for people that you appreciate or send out cards to all of the people that you know will love to hear from you. It is a powerful thing, the sheer momentum of the Christmas season. It pushes people to go out, make their way through crowds, jump through hoops to get the right things, and then be forced to slow down and enjoy the day itself.

Again, I know that I am an optimist. I know that I have a somewhat rose-colored view of the world at times. No matter how many times I am confronted with harsh realities, I continue to make my way back to the way I feel things should be. I feel a sense of responsibility about insisting that life doesn't always have to be so harsh. Honestly, Kevin was a big part of me feeling secure in voicing my ideals. If I can't strive for that happiness, or if I feel that it isn't possible to acheive that happiness, then what am I doing here?

Show Me That You Love Me

2010-12-10T21:16:00.004-06:00

December 10th. A day of infamy in my mind. A day of utter destruction. The day the music died. It has been four years since Kevin died and it still brings me to my knees. I am in such a different place. I imagined a lifetime of lonliness, a life of austerity, a deathlike state suspended in an aging body. Most days are not nearly so harsh, but this day is. I feel as though most people can't handle the real feelings I have on this day. As the years go by I am better at "sugar coating" the rawness of this reality. There are defining moments in our life. The big ones -: graduating high school and college, getting married, the birth of my child, the death of my beloved spouse - are obvious. There are less obvious defining moments, times when our life changes irrevocabily for a seemingly insignificant series of events. Today is a big moment, a time that the whole world could point to and understand why it changed me. Still, time marches on without any sympathy for the hole left in our lives by a fallen loved one.

In my last entry I remarked something to the effect that it was while nursing the brokenest of hearts that God first revealed his true presence to me. That heartache was deep, and is not normally worth comparing with the kind of heartache I have since felt. Still, to go into it a little deeper, a part of the reason my heart was so broken that summer after I graduated high school, was because the young man I loved truly loved me back. The problem was not compatibility, attraction, or anything like that. We both sought God's will with our hearts, and God's will is what set us a part. More specifically, his parents felt that he should wait to really date anyone and we chose to honor their request. It made it so much more painful to know that there was no "good" reason for us to be a part. His parents didn't know me that well but they saw him more with a reliable church girl than a more modern Christian like myself. I only bring all of this up, because the more I thought about it the more the type of heartache matched losing Kevin. Kevin died, it had nothing to do with our love for each other. God had brought us together, and through death He did part us. It is so frustrating to be parted from someone you love that loves you. It makes everything seem futile and empty.
Still, as I reread that last post it gave me some hope for grace. If having my heart broken when I was eighteen was a prelude to how to handle a dissappointment of enormous proportions, then perhaps God does have more in store for me. In the words of Lifehouse, "I'm falling a part, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart, that's still beating. In the pain, is there healing? In Your Name, I find meaning. So I'm holding onto you," The first time my heart was broken in that way I quickly turned to God for guidance and comfort. It was still painful and confusing, but God showed me that He loves me and is walking with me. This second heartache I turned away from God. My heart closed up because I couldn't stand even a little more hurt before I would give up altogether. So through my writing I have led myself to a new place of wanting to seek the lord.

I need to put Him first and I am scared about it. I don't know what it may bring, what challenges. I am afraid of the implications it will have on relationships with family, friends and, of course, Ray. I have to be willing to give up this house, or living in Naperville, or all kinds of other things before I see the path that God desires for me. I truly have to put Him first and it was as scary a prospect then as it is now. It's funny how we often think that we would love to go back with what we know now and be young again. I wish that I could talk to myself at eighteen and learn more about the passion and desire for God that she so sincerely felt.

Ray was somewhat disturbed by this day, the anniversary of losing Kevin. As it approached he sensed the change in me, the sadness, the irritability, the inability to see outside of my own sadness. I tried to talk to him about it but he felt that I was "dwelling on the past." He didn't know Kevin, had no sympathy for him and has only seen the pieces that Kevin left behind. Truly, Kevin left pieces. Ray has never lost anyone that close to him, nor has he had that kind of love with a woman that comes from marriage. So, some of these topics we are just patient with each other. Still, I see the concern in his eyes. It is just who I am. I told him, I could be queen of the world right now or have discovered unicorns, and still my heart would break over again when I think of losing Kevin. Still, to Ray's testament, he held me tight and let me cry, he told me he never wanted me to be alone again, and that he has never loved anyone the way that he loves me. So, it's a start. Life will eventually bring some of these experiences to him, when someone close passes away, when he gets married, when he has a newborn baby in his arms. Right now, he is still very much a young, unmarried man with a big heart and good will, but not an ounce of knowledge about grieving. I don't mean to sound harsh, because I think he is truly the most amazing man. Nothing about my grieving Kevin or having Gloria or keeping the Henrys so close has phased him. He treats me like a queen and I am ever thankful for it. I sometimes wonder if possibly Kevin conferred with the Lord to send him to me? But what do I really know!

My Renaissance

2010-12-06T23:11:00.003-06:00

Life definitely hasn't slowed down at all. It seems like December brings by old friends to say hello and catch up. I am a big fan of Christmas cards, mostly because it reminds me of how big the network of humanity is, with fingers stretching outward into every corner of the world. I have always loved winter and Christmas, but this year it seems like I am overflowing with blessings. I have started going to church again consistently. I didn't really think about it coinciding with the Christmas season, but now I realize that Christmas is precisely the time that I needed to come back "into the fold." Our sermon last Sunday was on how people can live their whole lives within earshot of the "Good News" and still miss the experience of it. There were several testimonies of people who either grew up with a vague sense of being a Christian that never defined itself or people who grew up with no concept of it. They all talked about the difference between believing with your heart versus believing in your head. What interested me was that I am someone who has lived the former. I have felt the true and sincere love of God, the comfort of knowing I have a Savior and the sheer joy of getting the enormity of my ability to have a one on one relationship with God. The difference is that I had left behind that life and that Truth. I remember the sensation of knowing Christ is in my heart, but I haven't actually felt it in a long time.

For me, knowing my faith in my heart came when I was eighteen. It was incredibly vivid and powerful, overwhelming me in a way that made me want to run shouting in the streets that I had found true joy. It is not surprising that what pushed me to that point of discovery was heartache. I had briefly dated someone my senior year of high school that totally changed my life. It was a short romance, and in the big scheme of things it seems absurd to admit it affected me so profoundly. I had become re-involved in my church's youth group and, subsequently, fell in love with a tall, quiet, tender guy. He was the son of missionaries, a leader in the Church's adult and young adult music teams, and someone I was totally unprepared for. We were both incredibly quiet but just by chance we got stranded together and began a conversation that ended with a mutual sense of companionship. He just got me, and I got him, and it was the most beautiful thing. I won't rehash the whole story now with all of the flush of love that I felt then and still feel now. Instead, I will say that God had other purposes for us and sent us down different paths. It was at that time that I was involved enough in church to want to keep going and not be so caught up in this guy that I couldn't be mindful of what was going on around me.
God woke me up! As Keith Green wrote, "Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed, until your Love broke through. " Suddenly, while I was nursing the most broken of hearts, I found this great love that God has for me (for us all). I would stay up late at night and journal furiously about missing this guy, and suddenly it wasn't so much that I was crying out to God as it was I was crying out to God!

The night of my true conversion is seared into my memory, sealed with the ineffable security of God's hand and will. It was late at night and raining, so I opened my window to hear the splatter of water hitting the trees and the ground below. I started to pray out loud for him, and suddenly I felt a gust of wind sweep into my window. I closed my eyes and I could smell the fresh rain and brisk air. I have always loved rain and thunderstorms, and that smell was so pure that I kept my eyes closed as I started to pray out loud. I was crying, feeling alone and confused, when suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I could feel God's presence in my tiny yellow room, His arms around me, His breath by my ear. I started to laugh because it became so obvious that He had been there all along. It was as if I had been stumbling around with a hood over my eyes and just realized that the lamp I was always blindly bumping into was actually God all along. Since last Sundays sermon got me thinking I have been itching to re-write this experience and see how it might come back to me. Memory is such a tricky thing. However, I REMEMBER that pure, honest, raging, fierce Love that surrounded me and changed my life.

It was only a couple of months later when I walked into a group at a new church and met my Kevin. For better or worse, God had needed me to prepare myself to meet Kevin, to love him, to build a life with him, to marry him, to have his child, and to become his widow. That makes it sound dark, but I am suddenly reminded of all the plans God has put into action for me. It has been so long since I have given myself over to Him to feel that love. I am tortured by all of the things I have to "do" in this world. I walk around with an amazing amount of anxiety, shame, fear, sadness and loneliness. I feel as though I am either carrying out God's plan or I am wasting my life avoiding it. I think that the heart of my problem has taken a big step forward. Initially, the problem was that I need to put God first, and that is still my true goal, but before that can happen I need to put God in control. I need to let go of my part of things for a little bit. I can trust that He will lead me to where I need to be if I just let him take the reigns. I know that there is a time in life to take charge and boldly follow God's plan, but there are also those times when I need to quiet your heart and mind, and stop freaking out about what it is I may or may not have to do to get right with God.
Thus far I have started by making a commitment to go to church each Sunday. For the first time ever I told my job that I am not available before 1:00 on Sundays. I am not going to have any other lame excuses why I cannot go. I need to shut my brain off and just get my butt in the pew each week. It's good for Gloria, it's good for me, and it's a nice change for my parents too. I know I have only been back at church for the past two weeks, but I am already excited about where it is taking me. I feel as though when I unwrap the present, God will reveal to me the way that His plan for my life is good and perfect.

As an aside I know I am not usually so religious in my postings. I never know who is reading this and if it really matters. I am determined to have an open dialogue with God about what I believe to be true in my heart. There are a lot of questions. So, this post was just meant to share my re-awakening, my Renaissance, if you will.

Sweet Honesty

2010-11-30T22:55:00.006-06:00

Big changes have been happening on an emotional and spiritual level over the past couple of weeks. I have been confronting some darker sides of myself that I am loathe to acknowledge I still struggle with. Instead of marching into 30 triumphantly I am at a place of being humbled. It isn't a bad thing; some years are about celebration for accomplishments, and some years are a celebration that I am still here and able to grow and get better. This year, I was forced to recognize a lot of ugly parts of myself that are difficult to admit. It was so easy to slide right back to bottom and the climb back up always seem long and difficult.

My first desire is to put God first again. It has been such a long time since I have had a true and honest relationship with God. I have totally numbed my mind to the idea and let the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach continue to make me sick. It is no wonder that my fibromyalgia has been so bad (pain and fatigue) and my IBS (stomach problems) have flaired up. I think that my body is unhappy with the choices I have made in my life. Some are easier to remedy than others, some are more "understandable," but all of these things have left me feeling empty and alone.

I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me truly, and there is so much I haven't shared with him. I even try to hide the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia from him. It's so stupid, when I have someone in my life who loves me, that instead I go into the bathroom to uncontrollably cry or I make stupid jokes to cover up my sinking sadness. I finally had a long talk with my mom about the whole thing and I think that opening up - to God, to my family, to Ray - is the best answer. I have actually requested Sunday mornings off of work so I can consistently go to church, I have started conversations with Ray about the dark side of me that gets so ugly, and I am on a mission to be more open about how I am feeling. I do feel isolated at times. I don't have any close friends close by and, apparently, I am slow to make new friends. However, I truly TREASURE the friends that I do have.

Jenny

2010-11-15T00:45:00.004-06:00

This past weekend was incredibly busy. The highlight was an evening out with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jenny. I can hardly believe the time that has passed since we had seen each other. The details of life tend to overwhelm me, sometimes for months at a time, and my biggest issue tends to be picking up the phone. Why am I so hesitant to pick up the phone? Anyway, I dropped Gloria off with my inlaws and headed into the city on the train. The weirdest thing happened on that train trip. A man who looked eerily like Kevin sat down next to me. I had to fight the urge to just stare at him. I was dying to start a conversation with him just so that I could see specifically why he wasn't like Kevin but of course there is no way to really do that. Finally, I realized that I could see him clearly in the window reflection without looking directly at him. This poor man probably sensed that I was tensed up, watching him, reacting to his every move. Truly, on closer examination he wasn't all that much like Kevin. However, he was tall, thin, pale and red headed. He was dressed in khaki pants and a button down shirt and reading some kind of computer manual. All in all, I wasn't totally crazy for being psyched out by the whole thing. It is only the second time I have run into someone that truly reminded me of Kevin (besides my father and brother in law). So, the evening started out with an emotional upheaval. It has been that kind of season for me.

I feel a change coming. I don't even really know why I have this sense of my universe shifting, but it's there. Talking with Jenny was a good way to put my past 30 years in perspective (as far as is possible). I have come through a lot of things, and my life doesn't have to be entirely defined by losing Kevin. Still, as I write those words I think to myself that I still feel very defined by that.

I cannot seem to stay on topic tonight. Jenny and I went to a fantastic little Argentinian Steak house called Folklore in Bucktown. Jenny especially wowwed me with her fearless city driving! How did I not know that she was this sophisticated and confident woman? I felt like a grandma taking my train into the city and then wandering around looking for her like I had no idea what I was doing. The restaurant was a dimly lit, candle infused nook with the best steak I have ever had. They served us giant fillets, spinach mashed potatoes and my first empanada. The night was just the right combination of reminiscing about the past and catching up on current situations.

It was also a great opportunity to put my faith into perspective. I have been very lapse in my faith for a long time now and in the past couple of weeks I have felt God really tugging at my heartstrings. So, after my evening with Jenny I felt re-inspired to pursue my relationship with God. I know it will be hard, but I also know that putting God first will help all of these other issues fall into place. Time will tell!

It's All Part of the Process

2010-11-08T20:10:00.002-06:00

It is always amazing to me how the act of reading changes the process of writing. I have honestly not read a novel in a long time, sticking to non-fiction and focused on my own trivial journaling. I broke this trend primarily because I caught a nasty flu and had extra laying around time because of it. I read the book Atonement by Ian McEwan and thought it was a brilliant story. I won't go into details, except that it made me examine my own place as a "writer" of sorts and it inspired me to want to write with purpose again. On that note, I have begun working on a story that has been in my mind for years. Something that has been working it's way out of my mind and down, through my heart and hopefully out my fingers . . . More on that later!
I am still on the countdown to my 30th. The biggest surprise for me is that I am truly not looking to have a big drunken party. Last year I was all about going out, singing karaoke, drinking stiff drinks and living it up with good friends. This year I really and truly feel like a nice dinner out with family is the way to go. I am also planning on going into the city with one my longest friends, Jenny, next Saturday. She has already made plans for steak, which means the night is guaranteed to be awesome. She truly made me smile when she said she was contemplating what would be special for my birthday, and she realized that undoubtably Michelle+rare steak = Nirvana. Ray actually figured this out about me early on too. What can I say? I am easy to please!

;-)

2010-11-01T01:50:00.006-05:00

It has been an incredibly busy month between taking care of the kittens, dog sitting , working on the house, family visiting and, of course, Halloween. We have had the mildest fall weather that I can remember and it has provided days upon days of being outdoors and soaking in the sun. Gloria has been planning for Halloween since October 1st and ended up with a precious fairy princess costume. She is such an interesting mix of intensity, sweetness, fiery temper and plan cuteness. I was under the impression that when she turned four she would magically no longer resort to bad temper tantrums. Silly mommy! At the same time, she is learning to communicate in all sorts of ways and growing up so fast. I can hardly believe I am a mother to a four year old!

Speaking of feeling older, next month is my 30th birthday. Although I know that if I think about it the whole idea of me being 30 is somewhat unbelievable, in general I am excited about the whole event. I am more than ready to say good bye to my 20's. I am sure that I will look back at my 20s at some point and think fondly on my frame of mind, as of right now I am more than willing to stake my claim in my next decade of age. It is actually more strange for me to think about my friends turning 30 than it is for me. One by one we are each having our odometer turn over and we deal with it in our own ways. Generally speaking, there is a lot of alcohol involved. Still, we each carry our dignity with us having only minor moments of weakness as we say goodbye to a period of time in our life. Truly, turning 30 is a definite marker of true adulthood. So when does the wisdom set in?

Things continue to grow and change with Ray. We have been living together for a couple of months and the worst thing we have fought about is our loyalty to cats (me) and dogs (Ray). I am sure that, like all couples, bigger fights will inevitably arise; as for now, it is encouraging to know that we are both communicators - slow to anger and quick to forgive. We got to spend some time with his dad, Ray Sr., when he came out for a short visit. It was fun to see the similarities and interesting to see the differences. I can see where Ray gets his quick wit and charm ;-) On a side note, I have noticed lately that I can't seem to post anything without some kind of emoticon. What did I ever do to express playfulness before these handy little symbols became commonplace?

Well, it is now 2am and I am officially up WAY past my bedtime. I suppose I am still coasting on the sugar spike from today's festivities!

Metamorphosis

2010-09-25T23:44:00.005-05:00

I haven't really had a chance to write much about our recent trip to Arkansas. This was my first time going to Arkansas and kind of a big step in my relationship with Ray. When I met Ray all he talked about was wanting to move to Arkansas. It has been a longtime dream of his that he was planning on making a reality within the next year. It was a big part of why he was hesitant to start truly dating me in the first place. So, for me to go out there with him and see the land, meet his father and other family, and experience the roots of his dream firsthand was pretty cool. I can see why he fell in love with Mountain Home. It is a small community filled with lakes, open sky, mountains, hills, creeks, and wildlife. It is breathtaking to gaze at the sky full of stars without any light pollution to compete with.
Of course, meeting his family was just as exciting as seeing the land. Meeting Ray Senior made it clear where Ray gets some of his wit intelligence, humor and charm from. Ray, Sr. has his own business repairing screens, which may sound like a niche market but it is actually a booming business. I also got to meet his half brother, Steven, and his fiance. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with them and look forward to future trips :-) I also got to spend some time with his Uncle David, a kind, funny and very musical person. I referred to him as our Arkansas Sherpa because he knew every bit of land and lake out there. He was always giving history or telling us about other little place's off the beaten path.
Best of all, I got to spend more time with Ray's immediate family - his sisters and their significant others. His sister Katy and I got to spend a lot of time together because we are two insomniacs. Katy's husband, Todd, was Gloria's favorite buddy for the trip. He played guitar with her, walked dogs with her, drove the pontoon boat with her, and on and on. He was such a great sport and seemed to enjoy her as much as she enjoyed him. No one knows why, but she calls him "Spider." It is pretty adorable.
I have now officially met the Pace clan (for the most part) and I like them all a lot. Things continue to get better and better with Ray, and I couldn't be happier about that. We are discovering more each day the way that we fit together, and it seems to be a very good match. So, we continue our slow metamorphosis. . .

Countdown to 30

2010-09-24T14:03:00.003-05:00

I am quickly approaching my 30th birthday and in anticipation I am preparing for the next decade to be the best decade thus far in my life. I mean, I have felt an almost panicky desire to exit my 20's and put the hurt in the "past." Although I realize this is all a mental and metaphorical step forward more than anything, I am taking what I can get to trick my brain into hope for the future. In my 30's I am hoping to truly get my fibromyalgia into a manageable state, to become financially stable, to embark on a fulfilling career, and to settle into a longterm family life. Right now, the number one thing on my list is my health. It has been awful lately, to the point where I am not really functioning. I am barely able to go to work and fake normal before heading home to sloth my way through another evening. I mostly look forward to sleeping at night (if I can) and driving in my car blasting some good music.

I shouldn't act as if the past decade was all bad. I graduated college, got married, went to grad school, lived in Canada, had my beautiful Gloria, bought my first condo with Kevin, bought my first townhome on my own, tried watersking and a zipline, did lots of intercontinental traveling, met my Ray of Sunshine, attended two brother's weddings to the sweetest girls ever and truly acquired the Henrys as my second family. There were lots of big wonderful events that made my 20's bearable and worth remembering in some capacity.

However, especially the latter half of this past decade has been incredibly trying for me. The number one stressor goes without saying. I continue to miss Kevin every single day, although now it is in different ways than at first. My increasingly poor health is the main culprit for my drive for change right now. I have started a second blog to totally focus on that particular journey. I feel like I don't want to fill this whole blog with complaining about my fibromyalgia, etc.

So, at the very least I am back ready to do some more writing and hopefully, turning 30 will represent a much bigger leap into the next decade for me!

2010-09-01T22:31:00.001-05:00

It's 3am I Must Be Lonely

2010-08-20T02:03:00.003-05:00

I am writing at 2am so please excuse stupid typos, etc. I just feel like there is something inside of me bursting to come out and perhaps the act of writing will help roll the right words off of my tongue. Life has been confusing for me lately. Confusing in that when I fell apart when Kevin died I considered it a different me and that I would eventually make it back to the same core of myself that I had before that event. Instead, I find that I have become this other person. It is hard to explain except that I see the world through different eyes. Things that I held such passion for are easier to push to the back of my mind. I want so badly to go back to that person that I was, the person who could be passionate and happy and honest about everything. Instead, I feel like this filthy person who is so covered in darkness and mud that there is no way light will show through me again. I miss my faith most of all. I feel like I have shut down so completely. In order for me to connect to God emotionally, I need to connect to God intellectually. Of course, this hasn't happened since I haven't been to church in almost a year. There is a part of me that is too tired to think about any of it. I have moments of happiness, glimmers of excitement and one breaths worth of feeling like I did before.

It wasn't like life was peachy keen before. It is just that the world was in much more black and white colors. All of this grey has gotten me down. I find the only "normalcy" in my life is when I am grieving for Kevin. The rest of life is shrouded in the physical pain and exhaustion of depression and fibromyalgia, two conditions that no one seems to understand or believe. I find myself fighting small battles just to keep afloat. Things are definitely better when I am exercising regularly, but it is hard to stay motivated when I am isolated in it. I wish I knew how to just find a workout buddly locally. We don't have to be best friends, just two people looking to reach the same fitness goals.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull, and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul. At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head and you, you cool my desire. Whoa, I'm on fire" (I'm on Fire, Bruce Springsteen).

Then, when I am the edge of complete and utter meltdown God continues to pull me back. There are all of these strange components to it. This sounds silly but I feel like God places songs in my life to speak to me. It isn't like I feel like every song I hear is MEANT for ME or to guide me. It is more that when I can be totally caught in my thoughts and emotions and suddenly hear a song out shopping, at work, on television, etc and it brings me back to my internal home, or if you will, my starting place. Some examples- I was leaving the cemetary once and just bawling uncontrollably. Gloria had been asleep in the back and started to wake so I turned the radio on to calm down and what pops on but the B-52's "Rock Lobster." Naturally, this is a silly and ridiculous song, but for me it always reminds me of the way that Kevin would light up when he heard this song. He'd make his hands into little claws and sway back and forth, snapping them in the air and yelling "Rock Lobster!!!" So, I feel like God had to give me a true, heartfelt laugh in spite of the sadness I feel. Another time I was at the doctor's office and sitting in the exam room worrying about how to explain the feelings and pain I have had when the song How to Save a Life by the Fray came on and it put into words and song exactly the pain of the situation I was in. It made me sad, but I needed to be able to express that to the doctor at that moment instead of trying to make everything sound ok, because I don't want to disappoint the doctor.

There are songs for times, places, and emotions, just as there are sights, smells, and textures. Sometimes I just want to seek out some of those reminders and be ok for five or ten minutes in my fantasy world. At least once a week I curl up in Kevin's robe and journal. But then I take it off, get dressed and go out and spend a fantastic day with Ray doing family stuff and feeling alive again. It is sometimes a difficult juxtaposition for me to balance. I have been spending time getting closer to friends from my past, people who knew Kevin but not that well. I feel hyper-aware of my journey through adulthood. Has anyone else felt this? Am I just being a weirdo because it is now 2:30 am? I don't know!

Anyway, I am clinging to Ray, my friends and my families (Duncan and Henry) to keep my head going in the right direction. As always, I will try to keep y'all updated. I am not actually sure if anyone reads this but me and yet I feel compelled to write as if someone, somewhere is listening, Thank you, if you are! This is good therapy for me :-)

2010-08-10T14:55:00.002-05:00

I made it to the gym once again today and did 50 minutes on the treadmill. Of course, it is brisk walking with a few spurts of running but it's a start. I definitely feel a little worn out already which makes me feel like I need to be careful. I hate that my body is so very fragile. I guess that is just the cards that God has dealt me . . .

2010-08-10T00:07:00.003-05:00

Things are getting better. Although I haven't made it to the gym every single day, I have done good things for myself everyday. I went three days last week to the gym and already feel a difference. I then went grocery shopping and have been eating a lot more healthy foods. Also, a big confidence boost for me is to be cooking. It has been grilling season for a while and Ray has that staked as his domain (which I LOVE) but since he was feeling a little down because of some dental work he has to have done I got to make the meals this weekend, The first night I made steak on my new grill pan! Yum! With corn and steamed carrots. Then on Sunday we had pork chops in a garlic and herb marinade, real mashed potatoes, and a vegetable medley. Ray and G and I all sat at the table together like a family and just talked and laughed. It was really good for me. I felt more stable than I have in a long time. Let's hope I can keep this momentum going!

Smile :-)

2010-08-04T15:01:00.003-05:00

Ok, I am starting to be at peace with the fact that not all blog posts have to be lengthy gems of wisdom. That realization came after re-reading some of my blog posts and realizing that, while much of my posts are lengthy, very few contain anything that could be conceived as wisdom. This is day two of getting my butt to the gym before doing anything else. Usually I wake up in the morning and waste a good amount of time stressing about all of the cleaning/straightening that should be done but never seems to be finished. Inevitably I complete a few small necessary tasks such as washing the dishes and doing a load of laundry, and I never get to the piles of three-year-old toys, etc. that have encroached upon all of my house. I may do some mindless internet surfing in between tasks but I never do anything that I truly enjoy, like writing or reading, cooking or actually playing with my daughter, and I especially never make it to the gym. My new philosophy: get up and get to the gym. The other stuff can wait (as it usually does anyway) and I always feel more motivated anyway once I've worked out.

I have to start unbelievably slowly because of my fibromyalgia. It is frustrating, because usually when I first start working out I will have this rush of feeling good and want to get into the workout more. It is at this point that I have to tell myself to stop because too much too soon equals a lot of pain and starting back at square one. The soreness and fatigue are a constant battle for me. I have gained so much weight over the past two years and I start to feel like nothing is ever going to get better. I am not heading down that negative path today and instead I am feeling very proud and content that I made it to the gym both today and yesterday.

I can only hope that this momentum keeps going. I have got to put one foot in front of another until I have gone far enough in the journey to look back with pride. Is life really supposed to be this hard? I cannot wait to turn thirty this coming November and put this whole decade behind me. It started out really well but the past five years have been the slowest of all. I have to believe that good things are out on the horizon. Deep breath. Now . . . smile!

Getting the ball rolling . . .

2010-08-03T14:40:00.002-05:00

I really need to get into better shape. I am as human as they come, vacillating back and forth between eating healthy, working out and taking care of myself and then letting it all fall by the wayside. The wayside has been where you could find me lately but I am renewing my commitment to feel better. My fibromyalgia and depression have been particularly challenging lately so I think it is a big reminder that I need to take care of myself. I tend to get overwhelmed by life and just shut down. It is both frustrating and de-moralizing. I finally got off my butt this morning and went to the gym for the first time in a month. I only spent a half an hour on the treadmill at a fast walk, but it is better than nothing. I have to go get ready for work but felt like I would write a quick blurb to keep my momentum going!

2010-07-15T16:12:00.001-05:00

Ok Life, you can let up anytime now!

2010-07-14T18:54:00.010-05:00

Life has taken a lot of interesting turns in this past week. I always said, "If losing Kevin didn't break me, this isn't going to break me." I have since been broken. That isn't to say that what has happened is worse or harder than losing Kevin, because that is on it's own level that cannot be compared to any other tragedy in my life. No, I mean that I have been broken in the sense that I finally believe that I have to develop a thick skin, to admit to myself that some people really are toxic and that I am not going to be liked by every person I know. I know that those who love me have been waiting for me to harden up, simply because it hurts them every time I get hurt. It sounds sad, but honestly I am 29 so I've had a good run at remaining optimistic and idyllic.

I don't even know how to talk about what has been going on. I don't want to stir the pot anymore than it already has been. I'll just say that it has been hard for my family as I have moved toward independence. There is a protectiveness that is heightened by what I have been through. The truth is that being an adult on my own is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to make everyone happy and I don't want them to see my faults. I know that it is human to feel that way, but for me it goes deeper. I have equated acceptance with love. I feel like the way I know my family loves me is if they are happy with every decision I make. So, when I say I am getting thick skin, I mean I am having to be satisfied with knowing myself. I can no longer try to explain and justify everything that I do. I realize that people who really know me don't question me or think badly of me, but those who struggle with my independence start to worry that I am headed down a bad path. This all sounds so melodramatic and I don't want it to be. I didn't join a cult or start stealing things or drinking myself into oblivion.

I am, above all, a flawed woman and I struggle with demons that seem like they are getting the best of me all the time. Depression has been an albatros around my neck that I have no idea how to undo. My fibromyalgia seems to have taken me to further depths where I feel like between my sadness and my chronic pain this life is just not worth it. However, I keep getting up; I keep examining my mistakes and trying to do better. More importantly, I take a step back to consider all that I have been blessed with, starting with Kevin. Even with all of the hard times and sadness, he was the love of my life, my husband, the father of my child and my best friend. I never thought I would be able to ever find love after experiencing what I had with him and I remain eternally grateful for him.

Of course, I can't talk about blessings and the grace of God without mentioning Miss G. She makes me crazy with her tantrums, her strongwilled nature, her contrary answer to everything I say, and fiery temper. She also humbles me with her sweet nature, her kindness, her quick wit, her fire for life, and how she brings all that is hard in my day to a screeching halt when she gives me hugs and kisses. She is the most amazing person in my life and, while she certainly challenges me, she also gives me the strength to get up each day and keep going. She is this incredible piece of Kevin that I am so grateful for, and yet she is entirely her own little person.

Then there is Ray, who has surprised me with his ability to understand me, his patience for the grief that I will always be processing, his laughter and teasing, and his insistance that despite the hard pasts we have struggled with the future is going to be amazing and good. What is even more amazing to me, is that he has made me believe that. Suddenly I have a best friend again, a partner and a confidant who truly believes in me. In some ways we look like an unlikely pair, but in many ways it seems like we were made for each other. For coming from such different backgrounds and challenges, we are amazingly alike. However, there are things about him that push me to be a better person.

Finally, on an individual level I have to be thankful for my inlaws. Kevin's parents are TRULY my "second" parents in every sense of the word. They have stood by me, helped me through the hardest times, loved me like their own daughter, and we have laughed, cried and drank our way through the darkest hours. It is so much more than them just wanting a relationship with Gloria. We have a bond that, for better or worse, holds us together as a family. I am more Henry now than I ever have been and love them so dearly.

Ok, so after starting a post that sounded dramatic and juicy I have instead listed out blessings. Perhaps I am not quite as jaded as I think I am. Still, I am learning to cut certain people out of my life, not because I don't love them, but because I refuse to invite more angst and chaos into my life. I am not the person I was at 19 and that mostly a good thing. Yes, my boyfriend spends the night and yes, I watch Family Guy. I occasionally drink to much and snort when I laugh. I can even be stupid and caddy at times. I make it to church maybe once a month these days and instead of reading a good book at night I waste time on Farmville. Still, I am a good person and believe that my relationship with God and confidence in myself is only growing stronger.

In the words of Eminem:

It's been a ride.

I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one.

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out just follow me

I'll get you there.

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together through the storm

Whatever weather cold or warm

Just letting you know that you're not alone

Hollar if you feel like you've been down the same road.

2010-06-07T21:20:00.008-05:00

Life takes twists and turns that I have never been able to predict. I have spent the past few months growing into a relationship with a very special person. I don't pretend to explain the directions that life takes me. It seem's like the past three years have been walking in the valley of the shadow of death with no light for the future except for my daughter and the promise that God had given me. Though I had been told over and over again that things would get better, that life would be different but could still be good, I just didn't feel it.

When I met Ray last summer, the timing was definitely off for both of us. Still, there was something about him that intrigued me from the very start. I wasn't looking for love, and honestly was just hoping to have someone help time go by a little more quickly. I didn't like being alone, and yet I didn't really want to be with anyone. Ray and I had a lot of back and forth as friends before finally deciding that we both wanted to see where this would go. Of course, by that time I think we both knew it was already headed somewhere.

Ray and I are alike in some of the most interesting ways, and by interesting, I really mean nerdy. We encourage each other's nerdiness, including his love of wrestling and my stubborn wide-eyed belief in the fantastic - such as unicorns and movies like Avatar. We have an interesting cross-section of similarity in that we like some of the same music, we like to talk about wrestling, we are home bodies, we like "nesting" and we have the same quirky dry sense of humor. We are definitely different in lots of ways that keep things interesting. We debate all kinds of things; he likes to get me going about the White Sox, I like to tease him about his toy collections, and we come at life from very different perspectives. All in all, it has been a really good meshing of personalities and interests. It seems like as soon as we were both ready to see where this went, it just became comfortable.

We are still figuring a lot out but it is as if the future is becoming clearer again. I feel like I am coming around that dark curve and don't know quite what is ahead, but can at least see the edge of the clouds and a clearing in the storm that has been my life.

Some new pictures :-)

2010-05-14T17:09:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-10T16:57:00.004-05:00

I had a wonderful Mother's Day this year. The day started with visiting my mom and bringing her a little tea cup bird feeder for her garden. We had a chance to chat and catch up, something we haven't done for a while. The day before was my nephew, Thurston's 2nd birthday party and my mom met Ray for the first time. I was nervous because my mom has made it generally known that she didn't think she would like him. He happened to be outside having a cigarette when my parents pulled into the driveway and my mom went right up and introduced herself. They ended up talking for about ten minutes before coming in the house. I am not sure what exactly their whole conversation was about, but when I talked to my mom on Sunday she said that she really liked Ray. That made me feel really good. I knew that if she would just take a moment to talk with him she would start to see what I see.

After my mom's house Gloria and I went and dropped off presents at my in-laws (my mom in law was at work) and then headed out to Lemont to have lunch / dinner with the Paces. I was totally surprised when we got there and Ray disappeared with G for a few minutes, only to have her come around the corner with a beautiful gift bag and card for me "from" her. The bag was full of all kinds of bath products in my favorite scent, almond. Shampoo, conditioner, hand santizer, shower gel, lotion, hand soap, etc. and a lovely hand signed card from Gloria. Then, Ray's sister also brought me a nice bottle of white wine. It really made my day special and I definitely wasn't expecting it!

So, I took the happiness as a major blessing. So often holidays have been endured, something to power through and not let break me down, and this time it was a great day that built me up. As things continue to grow with Ray it has enhanced my life in so many ways. I find myself smiling for no reason and when something does go wrong or I have a bad day, I have someone to talk to and help me. This relationship is definitely starting to feel like a true partnership, which is something I never thought I could find again.

Still Smiling :-)

2010-04-08T17:18:00.002-05:00

I do not have a lot of time to write at the moment but wanted to make a brief appearance since I have not written anything lately. Things have continued to go really well with Ray, and as we spring into the new season I have all kinds of hopes and dreams that I thought had gone forever. It is a wonderful thing to be happy and content, although I have to admit at times I almost feel guilty about it. However, I am learning to accept that the tides have turned and perhaps, as I was always assured, God does have good things in store for my life!

Life is Good

2010-02-23T23:27:00.000-06:00

Microcosm of happiness

2010-02-01T22:05:00.001-06:00

I have not written much lately. It has been a time of year when words tend to escape me. It’s almost as if the creative writing section of my brain has gone south for the winter. I think that when I am feeling things very strongly it is harder to find the right amount of honesty to include in a blog. Even with all of the sadness and heartache, I have an ideal that I just can’t shake. It isn’t something I understand, but I definitely recognize it. I have met someone who gives me that restlessness that comes with downright attraction. This has been a back and forth thing that up until now I have been pretty hesitant to be openly optimistic about. In my head I think I like to take things slowly, but I am certainly a Scorpio with all of the immediate intensity and passion that this implies. The reason I open up now is that I have had some amazing conversations that lead me to believe really good things are on the horizon. I don’t hide emotion well anyway, and here I am unable to keep to myself this hope that is bubbling up inside.
There are some things that only time can tell, including the test of that force of emotion that I can only call love.
Rather than go on and on about the constant revolutions of my mind on this subject I will describe a moment that kind of sums it up: I am in a crowded room in a place that is both unfamiliar and intimidating. In my usual ignorance I have worn a bright pink and white striped shirt that sticks out sorely in a sea of black, grey and navy blue. So, I keep my head lowered, sip my drink and try not to think about how odd I feel in large social gatherings. Just about when my natural insecurity starts to overwhelm me I feel a hand at the base of my back; I have someone there to lean into, someone to put his arm around me and kiss the top of my head. I look up and smile at him and the moment that was about to overwhelm me with insecurity starts to wash over me in an emotion I have not been that accustomed to lately, true happiness. It is a beautiful thing, a precious gift that I could not have expected or planned. So I take a deep breath, kiss his neck, and give myself permission to feel the power of a microcosm of perfection in a chaotic and typically unpleasant reality. So I just want to thank him for giving me the best night I have had in three years.

Summer 2009

2009-12-28T17:53:00.003-06:00

Climbing up the willow branch
Thinking you may have a chance
To capture my thoughts as they float up high
Amidst a rainy, starless sky.
Music floating in the breeze
As you pull me up into the trees.
I think I want to find a way
To keep you here, to make you stay.
The night goes on as we go higher;
The ground has never seemed so dire
As when I feel it far below
And I get the feeling that you know
What I am thinking and what is real
My heart is here to hold, my kiss you can steal.
A magical night, I could ask nothing less
Then to find that in your arms I can rest
A perfect breezy summer night
Not ever wanting the morning light
To creep upon us when we least expect
And realize the night has left.
I know that you tell me it’s complicated
The facts have all been thoroughly stated
So I’ll keep this night wrapped up for you
Until we can find another way through
The day and back into the night
Where together the world never felt so right.

The Clouds Roll In

2009-12-09T00:48:00.005-06:00

I feel the week looming over me like a dark cloud. I can't believe it has been three years since Kevin left me. I sometimes feel like I have less to describe my grief now than I did at the time. It was so fresh, harsh and open, three years ago. Now, it is painful in the kind of way that living with chronic pain is, a dull ache that I have become accustomed to, and every once in a while I will get a head splitting jolt that knocks the wind out of me, There are a lot of times when I feel like I appreciate more the kind of man that Kevin was. It seems that someone like him is incredibly rare. He was so honest, able to tell me when things freaked him out without just shutting me out. I continue to feel like I have forever lost that kind of closeness. I have found myself unable to sleep, just feeling this restlessness and the strongest desire to be near him. Of course, snow, rain and cold don't make it easy for me to go to the cemetary and grieve. Plus, Gloria is now at an age where she is really aware that I am so sad whenever I am there. The moment I turn my car up the hill and into the cemetary she starts to protest, saying "Mommy, don't cry about Daddy anymore." There are very few opportunities for me to be alone with my grief, or at least not with Gloria. Perhaps this is why I have such trouble sleeping. Perhaps my body and mind just want to seek out time that I can process all of this sadness churning within me.

There are parts about this time of year that are unbelievably painful for me to think about, and yet they are there. As much as I miss all of the goodness and light that Kevin had, I can't help but remember how bad things had gotten at this point. I wanted so dearly to hold onto him, to keep him safe from himself, to take this pain from his heart and mind and body. I didn't recognize this person that could be so cold, cruel and manipulative. He had always been tender hearted, full of kind words and never wanting to hurt anyone, especially me. Then, the evil of addiction just took over. I still don't understand addiction. To me it is the scariest thing in the whole world. To see the man I loved turn into a monster, to see the pain in his eyes as he realized how much he was hurting everyone he loved, and to be so scared that I couldn't keep him safe. Over and over in my mind I run across those last few months, weeks, days and hours before he died. I ask myself again and again what was happening and how did it get that bad? There are no answers. I knew that much then and it has remained the same.

Yesterday I went to the mall with Gloria to see Santa and meet up with one of Kevin's old friends, Bud, who has become my friend as well. Before Bud arrived I was making my way through Macy's when I came through the infamous perfume department. This has happened to me before, and yet it always throws me off - I walked past a display that featured the cologne that Kevin used to wear. It was like, for a brief moment, he might have come up to stand behind me. It makes me want to just sink to the ground, and yet I immediately wonder if subconsciously I take myself there to have that experience. There is something to be said about a split second of his presence. It happens sometimes when I catch his dad or brother out of the corner of my eye, or if I happen to brush against his robe still hanging in my closet. For the most part, his things have made their way back into the corners of my life. His clothes are now in boxes, his tools in the garage, his computer being worked on at my brothers house - I hate it. I really hate it. I want his things out and around me. I have to fight the urge to bring his things back into my everyday life. Sometimes I want to throw his laundry in with mine just to have to fold his shirts and boxers one more time. I know all of this makes me sound crazy. I just don't know how to explain any of what I feel. I don't know what words can convey these urges and breakdowns. One minute I am terrified of being by myself, the next I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I never quite know what the line is between dealing with my grief in a healthy way and perhaps needing to seek more help and support.

It is all a process for me. Hopefully I will live through this week and be able to enjoy Christmas. Hopefully I will get to sleep again. I don't know how long I can keep this up. One thing is for sure, I feel the strength of all the prayers that people are saying for me. It is almost like I can hear whispers of those prayers surround me and start to ease my mind into sleep again. Thank you to everyone who reads this - for everyone who takes the time to read and respond, to me or in prayer, it means the world.

November 2009

2009-11-25T21:21:00.004-06:00

I am going through the difficult transition into the fall. Fall has always been my favorite season, and I find nothing more romantic than a thunderstorm. Unfortunately, this fall has brought about more heartache, a tender longing for companionship that is hard for me to cope with. In some ways it is strange to feel lonely. For a long time I wrapped myself in the robe of grief and sustained myself with the memory of Kevin. It wasn't like being single, because I considered Kevin's memory a fulfilling companion. Of course, that delusion can only go so far and then begin to deteriorate. So, I am now left with a double-edged sword - both grieving Kevin AND feeling like I want to find a companion. It isn't a comparison thing, or a replacement for Kevin at all. In fact, I think I am very sensitive to not wanting to ever think of guys as how they are and aren't like Kevin. Now I feel like I am prattling on about nothing and making it seem too complicated.

The truth is that I sometimes feel like I have a double life. There is this very deeply personal part of me that grieves every day, that thinks of Kevin a million times a day over stupid things like wanting to ask him a computer question, or share gossip with him, and this is the part of me that pulls so fiercely inward. It is as if I can't handle talking to other people through my grief. I just want to be alone and be as sad as I need to be, to cry as long as I want, and to say that I am still heart broken over losing Kevin. Then, just in the past year, this other part of me has emerged. This part of me is learning to live in those moments. So much of grief is just living through a moment, whereas "real" living is about being mindful of your experiences.

So, this second part of me is what makes me so nervous these days. It is almost as if I am re-entering life and not quite sure how to go about it. My feelings are sometimes so conflicted and the happiest moments with my friends, family and my daughter can randomly bring an intense longing for Kevin's presence. Yet, I am finally realizing that I do want to live, that I do believe that God can have a plan for my happiness, and that perhaps I may even find someone special again. It is hard for me to talk about it because it feels like a betrayal of Kevin somehow. Yet, I loved being his friend, wife, and partner and want to be that with someone again someday.

I have definitely fumbled around the dating process. I have discovered how totally naive I am about what dating is in your 20's and 30's. The few guys I have attempted to date taught me very quickly that they really wanted to keep all of their options open, they didn't really want to proclaim the fact that we were "dating" to anyone, and in the end it just felt like I was too much for them for some reason. It was painful for me. It was hard to start to open my heart up, which has been so badly broken, and then have people treat me casually. However, those two brief tumbles with dating have shed light on what is important to me. I really want someone who can be honest with me and not play games, someone who likes to spend time with me, someone who gets my dark and sarcastic humor, someone who isn't high maintenance or really materially motivated, someone who respects me, but also sees my free and fun side. Perhaps this man will never really come into my life, perhaps I will go ahead with the original plan to live out my 70 years without Kevin and finally be welcomed home by him when my time comes. Still, it is nice to feel the excitement of possibility again.

A couple of candid pics from Erin's wedding!

2009-10-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

Commitment(less)

2009-10-04T21:01:00.003-05:00

I had an intense weekend with one wedding for Erin, a shower for Julie, and then Erin's reception all in the same day. Erin's wedding was beautiful; it was a small ceremony in a Lutheran church in Aurora. She and her groom had enough love to light up the whole room. Of course it reminded me of my own wedding, the excitement of that moment when you confirm your feelings for each other before God and your family and friends. I thought that it would make me sad to see a wedding and feel so alone, yet it actually was a good feeling to relive that day in my own mind. I still consider my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life. I can't describe the love that welled up in my heart for Kevin, for my family and his, and for all of the people who came and were a part of the wedding. My grandma played piano, my aunts and uncles played guitar and sang two songs, my voice teacher from college sang while her husband did a violen solo and I had family fly in from Colorado, Nebraska, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Virgina, and more. So, not to make Erin and Steve's day about me, but it was a good feeling to see that love is still alive. I like to be an optimist, though lately I have felt quite jaded.

I had a month long "non-relationship" with someone that truly captured my imagination. It was nice to have someone to chill out with, who enjoyed good music and liked my sarcastic humor. He is the kind of person that I could just hang out with talking, watching movies, cooking together or listening to music. I liked his sweet nature and his blunt truthfulness. Unfortunately I had the effect on him that I have on most men, which is he felt I was looking for too much of a commitment and that he really didn't want to actually date me. I am not quite sure why every guy I meet wants to "date" me but not actually "date" me. They like to spend time with me, have dinner, spend time with my daughter, and meet mutual friends, but then the moment we start to get close they break it off. Not just break it off, completely cut me off like I don't exist of matter. It's hard for me to not take this personally. I know that we are all trying to find our way in life, but why does it have to be this complicated? In all honesty, I am in no rush to "commit" my life to anyone. I have a lot of stress in my life, I am not emotionally stable, and it is hard for me to open up about some of the deeper darknesses I face within myself. Still, it was nice to have someone to care about me, to make dinner for, to joke around with. I would like to have someone for the simple things, like watching football games and eating pizza, going to feed the ducks at the riverwalk, watching the drummers at the Harvest Powwow, and running errands on Saturday afternoons. It would be nice to have someone leave me a nice voicemail or text while I am at work to say they are thinking of me. So, even though I have no intention of getting into some heavy relationship, I do miss companionship and friendship. Life feels very lonely and empty right now. It is getting harder and harder for me to reach outside of my very small circle of comfort. Inch by inch I have got to get back into this game called LIFE.

A strange bird

2009-09-09T19:00:00.002-05:00

Life is a strange bird to try and take hold of. I have gone round and round in circles for years now with no real direction or sense of accomplishment. It isn't that I want to float through life, and I certainly haven't felt like I have been floating, more like spiraling slowly downward. I continue to try and put the brakes on that spiral and think about how to start to ascend again. Ultimately, I am chained to life for right now. I feel as though people can't handle the intensity of who I am. I feel like they generally like me, but feel like they have to hold me at arm's length or I will suction cup myself to their life. Perhaps it is true.

It is like there are two parts of me. The first part wants to live, and because of that wants to adhere to what is good and decent and right. This part of me demands high standards and knows that I shouldn't mess around with people or things that will only lead to trouble in the end. It makes me want to slow down and open my eyes before jumping into anything.

The other part of me wants to just get through life however I can. This part of me isn't afraid of screwing up, or dying or doing wrong. This part of me just wants to make it through the day without that overwhelming lonliness that lingers around the edges of my very being. I still care about others and don't want to hurt anyone, but I care less and less about hurting myself.

The weird thing is, both sides of myself know the same things, it is just that one frame of mind leads me to live in a completely different manor than the other. It is a constant inner conflict. Do I act on my head or how I feel in the moment? Do I just want to survive life or do I want to thrive? My relationships with others is very complicated. I have a strong sense of solitude, as if no person wants to see far enough inside to really get at what is eating me up every moment of every day. I am so moody and unpredictable, I freak out and get so upset, and I hate being alone. At the same time, when I am with people half of the time I don't have anything to say. I have been like this since at least high school, if not earlier. It is a part of why older people don't mind me, they figure quietness is better than obnoxiousness.

The Fray

2009-08-25T09:34:00.003-05:00

Normally, I am not one for lengthy quotes of someone else's words, however this song is an exception. It is called "Enough for Now" on the The Fray's self-titled album:

The daughter’s father watches, quietly we assume
He’s no longer with us, but he left this dusty room
In your name and it’s an honor, it’s a shame but it’s your honor
Take it on your shoulder until you can find another.

That’s enough for now, he should’ve never left you broken
He should’ve held you, things your father never could do
That’s enough for now, he would’ve never left you broken
He would’ve held you, things your father never told you.

The century before you never could turn 21
Years and years he waited, just watching for a son
For someone to go ahead, take the name he said
Years and years he waited and a daughter came instead.

But that’s enough for now, he should’ve never left you broken
He should’ve held you, things your father never could do
That’s enough for now, he would’ve never left you broken
He would’ve held you, things your father never told you.

Breathing comes in pairs
Except for twice
One begins and one’s goodbye.

Sixty years of sorrow, he got 5 or 6 of bliss
Left my mother’s mother without so much as a kiss

For more information on The Fray or to purchase this song, please visit their website: The Fray

Gravity

2009-08-19T21:17:00.003-05:00

I have had an unusual amount of free time this week and it is not agreeing with me. Perhaps it is just that I have a few days off of work in a row, or perhaps I am just losing my mind, but I have felt especially caught in my own web of thoughts. I have actually worked out enough lately to wear out the batteries in my elliptical, so tomorrow I am off to replace those. Gloria has had a cold, which has kept us fairly housebound for the past couple of days. I know that if I can keep myself occupied through Saturday I have a lot going on starting on Sunday.
I have always been aware of my mind's tendency to wander off on it's own, but now I seem to be spending too much time thinking about how much I am thinking. Do I have an off switch? I have also learned that while you would think that there would be a significant correlation between physical and mental exhaustion, in fact they can have nothing to do with each other at times. My body is most certainly tired and sore, while my mind keeps skipping along at a breakneck pace. So, the only way to slow down this endless thought process is to occupy my mind. I have a hard time sitting still and really thinking through anything. When the television is on I am also cleaning or on the computer, when music is on I am working out or driving, when Gloria is in the bath I am sitting next to her reading. So, I definitely need to slow down and learn to pay attention to my life as it goes by.
I am not certain if this is a byproduct of the grieving process. Sometimes when the pain of loss is so great I force myself into a cycle of busyness to keep me from falling apart. It's as if the rotation of my mind has its own gravitational pull. My life is kept precariously in orbit by the frantic spinning of thoughts, ideas and emotions. Thus far my only idea on how to break this unhealthy mental cycle is to start yoga again, to read a real book instead of a magazine, and to pray. Only time will tell if this will help ground me or if I will just watch the planets spin off into oblivion one by one . . .

July 2009

2009-07-27T20:20:00.001-05:00

Re-gifting in its sweetest form

2009-07-22T13:10:00.004-05:00

This week was my 7th wedding anniversary, as well as the one year anniversary of when I bought this house. It has been a hard week in a lot of aspects. The memory of the hopes, dreams and plans that I had with Kevin continue to haunt me. So this is how it feels to be 28, a widow, a mother, a homeowner, a cook, a friend, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, an aunt, a fighter, a lover, a failure, a winner, a human in this perfectly imperfect world. I sort of feel like I am at a crossroads with what I want from life. I have started to feel stronger in a million ways, learning to be by myself even though I am not very good at it. I have met more people and experienced more things because I have forced myself to get up each day. Kevin would be proud, I know that. Sometimes I do things because I want to know that he would be proud, but what's more I have found that it isn't so much what Kevin would have wanted me to do, as much as it is what he knew I am capable of doing and being. He saw this in me, this brightness that I have a hard time finding sometimes without him.

Some friends of the past of popped back up in a good way, which has surprised me. I have made friends that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise. I am very thankful for this. Now, I feel like I DO want a future, I am just not clear on what future I want. It has been so long since I have really thought about the future, a life filled with experiences and accomplishments, and possibly being happy again. For so long I have fought to keep a strong front while beneath it all I really and truly wanted to be dead. Now, I am not so sure. I think I may want to live. So, the big question for me is, what will I do with this re-gifting of my life?

This past week brought out some unlikely friends, people that a year ago I would never have believed would be quietly etching into my life and giving me points of strength in times of need. I won't say that my anniversary was any easier, or less sad, or anything. It was just as terrible as it always is and probably always will be. However, I know the drill a little more now. So, I set the day aside for myself, buy flowers and give half to Kevin and the rest for my kitchen counter, I look at pictures and remember how amazing that day was. I think about looking into Kevin's eyes and feeling more certain of his love than I had felt of anything before that. I am thankful for all of the good that was in our marriage and how now, more than ever, I appreciate what was good and that I won't settle for less than that now. I don't want to be alone, but I also feel like I can wait for uncompromised love comes along. It isn't that I think love is perfect - it is about the messiest and most painful emotion, as well as the most breath-takingly fantastic - it is just that there are certain aspects that I am not willing to compromise on. I want someone who thinks I am beautiful, even though I am not high-maintenance, someone who will kill spiders for me because I am such a sissy, someone who makes me laugh and also appreciates my own sarcastic, nerdy and sometimes dark humor, I want someone who will bring me roses, I want someone who will be impressed that I can cook and appreciate that, and I want someone who can be my best friend and not feel like I am some sort of anchor holding them in place when they really want to float away. My marriage was far from perfect, and there were times when I thought that it was some horrible mistake, but then I was in it with someone willing to fight for it. I loved being a wife, and I love being a mom, and I guess this week just made me reflect on what that means to me. Sometimes I get so lonely, and I feel like no one will ever look at me with that kind of depth of love again.

Here's to Hoping!

2009-06-24T19:31:00.006-05:00

I have had a crazy past week with lots of strange drama. As usual, I'd rather not spill details across a public blog, but still like the outlet for all of the crazy emotions. Father's day was hard, as it always is, without Kevin. I was fortunate to have the day off of work and be able to spend it with my family. My father-in-laws birthday was Tuesday so we combined the two events. My mom in law, Jesse and Susan and I chipped in to get him a Margaritaville. We had a good afternoon in spite of the stifling heat. When the whole family is together like that I have an overwhelming feeling that Kevin is just around the corner. I look at Gloria and almost can't stand that Kevin isn't here to be her proud Daddy. I can just see how he would be, so happy and loving, and hate that it has to be in my head and not real. I took a picture of my father in law and his dad, Grandpa Henry, and had to go upstairs and cry for five minutes just for wishing that Kevin were in the picture. My father in laws birthday was Tuesday and he turned 55. He is such a wonderful man and it was fun to watch him dance to the Happy Birthday song.

Onto happier news, my brother Adam proposed to his girlfriend of four years, Julie, on Monday! Julie is the sweetest person I have ever known. She has her degree in Education and currently works as a nanny. She and Adam have always been sweet together and we all hoped that they would get married. I already feel like she is a sister and can't wait for them to make it official. They don't have a date set yet but it will definitely be within the next year. I have to say I am hoping to be a bridesmaid, but certainly understand that weddings are always emotionally packed and feel happy either way.

Today I went out with Gloria to The Growing Place to look for a Morning Glory for my mailbox and a dragonfly stepping stone for my yard. Afterword we went to our favorite store, Costco, to buy a watermelon and dishwasher detergent. How fun! Gloria threw a temper tantrum, but I weathered the storm. I have to say I am really looking forward to her turning three.

July fourth is coming up. For whatever reason it seems to be a very emotional day for me. Last year was a total disaster, with tensions running high and my boyfriend ditching me to hang out with my sister. Fortunately, I did make it to the fireworks with my inlaws and enjoyed having Gloria get so excited. This year I think I need to fool-proof my plan so that my expectations are low and I can enjoy myself no matter what. I work in the morning and into the early afternoon, and think that I will just plan to be with family and friends. One great thing is that I love barbecue, and 4th of July always equals barbecue. Here's to remaining positive in the face of uncertainty!

Happy Birthday to Papa Ron!

2009-06-24T19:29:00.000-05:00

Funny Faces

2009-06-24T19:15:00.000-05:00

Cobblestone

2009-06-14T17:15:00.003-05:00

I have had an up and down week. After a series of cold and rainy days, along with a particularly difficult bout with my fibromyalgia I started to feel like I had hit the bottom again. Fortunately, I had a few of my good friends rally around me to help me get through the worst of it. Sarah came and spent a couple of evenings with me, and even gave me some toddler tools (handle covers, etc.). Jenny also came and spent an evening with me, including perhaps one too many cranberry & vodka martinis. While the fibromyalgia continues to be a struggle for me, my mood has definitely picked up. Last night I went out with my sister and some friends to a bar in West Chicago with kareoke. I got to meet Debbie for the first time, a long time friend of my sister who is just totally awesome. I also got to dance and sing with lots of new friends. In a true twist of irony, I got to sing a duet with J.R. of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain." I don't think he thought the song was about him, but it was :-) In a rare occurence I actually left my camera in my car, so I am lucky to not have any embarrassing pictures to prove my ridiculousness. I know you are all sorely disappointed.

I get up again, over and over and over

2009-06-01T22:46:00.002-05:00

I keep going between depression and anger the past few weeks. I have made a commitment to learning how to live independently with Gloria. I don't know how to explain this but I think I had somehow mentally blocked that reality until recently. There are a lot of things that I really hate about living on my own. I think I am naturally a caretaker and not having anyone to care for except Gloria is very hard for me. As a wife I was oriented to doing little things for Kevin and him for me, the kind of little things that made life as an adult enjoyable. Right now, if I see something on television that is funny I have no one to laugh with, or if I make a really amazing meal I have no one to share it with, and it starts to wear me down and make me feel isolated. I don't like this feeling, and my immediate response was to try and find someone to date again. I have been on eHarmony, which resulted in several "spinning my wheels" encounters with people that I felt sheer anxiety about talking with. I even made the biggest mistake of returning to my ex-boyfriend for comfort, which resulted in me feeling even more sad and depressed. Now, I am coming to terms with what may be the root of my problems right now. I am lonely. It is hard for me to spend every night either chasing around my daughter or, when she goes to bed, sitting in silence. It dawned on me that I have offered four different female friends to come live with me rent free and not one wants to be here. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like people don't really like me to be around. It sometimes reminds me of high school, where once you are out of a group they will still tolerate you but you won't be invited to parties or other events. I want to know what it is about me that makes me so difficult for people to want me around. I want to understand if it is that I am boring, or I am depressing or I am too much of a goody-goody. Lately the chasm between myself and others is just gaping wide everytime I step into my home. So, that is my depression.

My anger comes as I realize that some people just downright lie to me. They tell me they care or are my friend, but they treat me like I have a disease and couldn't care less what is really going on in my life. My anger also comes at myself. I am sick of feeling sick, tired, worn out and unmotivated. No one seems to understand how hard it is for me to have fibromyalgia. It sucks. It is painful all of the time. I get anxiety attacks about the phone because my jaw hurts so much of the time. I don't even like to hear myself anymore, since my world is consumed by this pain. It is awful and I don't know how to fix it. I need help, but I have used up all of the help that people have given me. It isn't fair to my friends and family. I am always so needy. So I try to not be needy but then I feel judged because my lawn doesn't get mowed or my kitchen is a mess or my laundry is piled up. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be with anyone, but I can't do it all on my own.

All of this being said I know that I need to give these things to the Lord. I need to remember that God pulled me out of the abyss many times before and can do it again. It is just such a hard lesson to learn . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again.

Laura and Dave kick off BBQ season!

2009-05-26T21:59:00.003-05:00

Presence

2009-05-22T17:08:00.003-05:00

Today I went for a walk at my old favorite spot, Knock Knolls. I hadn't been there on my own since Gloria was born, so it has definitely been a while! It has the most beautiful and peaceful paths through woods or fields, and it is a great way to get my head clear. I used to walk there all the time my senior year of high school and the summer afterward, and today brought back a lot of the joy that I felt when I would go there. There are certain places that I just feel the presence of God, including the beach on Lake Michigan that we went to growing up, the original sanctuary of my childhood church (which is no longer there), and Knoch Knolls. I brought my iPod today thinking that I would need the music to motivate me, but found that just being there was motivation enough.

Anna and Gloria

2009-05-11T16:21:00.003-05:00

My sister just sent this picture to me from this past winter. I thought it was actually decent and so I share it here. Kevin's birthday was on May 2nd and turned out to be a good day with Gloria and my in-laws. Mother's day, however, was a different story. I didn't think that it would effect me the way that it did. I worked most of the day and had a lot of really nice people in the store. There were lots of family's out taking their mom's and grandmom's to brunch. Also, there were a lot of moms in the store getting something nice for themselves. I thought that was pretty cool too. I really missed having Kevin to enjoy the day with me. I can't even really describe it, other than a sort of quietness that took over me. Today, while at work, I actually started crying. I didn't even really know why, other than I needed to. This seems to be the only thing sure about the grieving process, that nothing is for sure. I try to take it as it comes. Gloria actually fell asleep in her bed last night (which almost never happens) and I went and got her because I missed her. Go figure!

This week also brought my old friend Sarah back to Illinois. She had been living in Colorado for the past 6 years or so and is now back at home working and going to school. She has a daughter, Anna, who is 2 months younger than Gloria. The two of them were best friends from the beginning. I will attach some pictures of the two sweeties playing together.

So, life continues to be awkward at times, both beautiful and terrifying. However, I continue to plod along and try to keep my head up.

Memories and Delusion

2009-05-03T20:29:00.010-05:00

I want to write a tribute to the man I love, the man who should have been 31 this past May 2, 2009. I just felt like I wanted to be reminded on his birthday of how much life he brought to the people around him. I kept starting this blog entry and then stopping, writing and erasing, creating and destroying. It seems to be an endless loop that I fall into whenever I want to really focus and get across all of the thoughts that race through my head and into my heart. If I stop and think I can still imagine just what it felt like to hug him and to hear him laugh. If I just close my eyes I think maybe it will be like he is still sleeping next to me. Then, I remember that he was an awful snorer and would have never been so quiet in the night. It is sad because it reminds me that he isn't there and spoils any delusion of his presence, but it's comforting because it reminds me that I still remember what he really was like and that because I love him so much I can't think myself out of the sadness of his physical absence.

Brought to you by the letter "R"

2009-04-18T21:09:00.002-05:00

I know it has been some time since I have posted anything. It is partially because life has been quite hectic and partially because I haven't really known how to phrase what I have been thinking and feeling. Spring is a strange time of year for me. It brings an innate sense of energy and renewed joy at the signs of life sprouting up all over, and yet it brings a deep sadness. I feel like I am pulled between wanting to be active and social, and wanting to pull in and curl up in some corner until it's all over. In particular, I find it striking when I don't feel like I have words. I actually threw out my journal from the past year, which has only happened once before. Even in the worst of times I value what I have reflected upon, but this past year has felt like one big mis-step. It is sort of like the song for Sponge Bob Square Pants when he says, "Drop on the deck and flop like a fish." That is pretty much what I have been doing the mental equivalent of for a while here. That is probably why I find myself quoting Sponge Bob Square Pants. So, here's to writing again even if it is ridiculous and trying to get back into the things that I love, like running, reading, writing, and the letter R.

2009-03-29T17:04:00.004-05:00

This weekend was crazy-busy! I spent Friday afternoon with my cousin, Melanie, and her family who are visiting from Denver. Melanie had her high school reunion on Friday night so I babysat her two sons, Jeremy and Brenner. Jeremy is 10 and was great with Gloria. He actually has taken babysitting classes and is "certified." It has been three years since I had seen the boys so it was nice to catch up and get to spend time with them. More on that later!

All Shook Up

2009-03-27T09:00:00.003-05:00

I have had a busy week with lots of ups and downs. Last weekend was full of wonderfulness - a night out with friends where I made Coq Au Vin and we went bowling, teaching my baking class, and going to visit my grandparents.

Before that I was hanging out with someone that I thought was a good person. When I tried to make it clear that I didn't want more from the relationship he got quite nasty with me. It doesn't matter how well I know someone or how much I care what they think of me, I still don't like getting yelled at (via email or otherwise). So, this person decided to tell me I am crazy and selfish and deserve to be alone. Perhaps it is true in some ways. It isn't like it never crossed my mind that I deserve to be alone. It really should mean nothing coming from someone who doesn't really know me and certainly doesn't care about me. Still, it shook me up for sure. Now I am battling with my own insecurities again, which I suppose was inevitable. I just want to crawl under a rock and go to sleep until Spring is really here.

Some more pics

2009-03-22T12:22:00.002-05:00

Finally, a night out with friends! Matt & I agree, it was a thumbs-up occasion!

My girl Julie, we have about the same low tolerance/easy intoxication level.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Gloria on her way to dance class.

I never thought leg warmers could look so cute!

A week in photos

2009-03-20T20:53:00.003-05:00

Gloria "Oh" Henry and "Oh" Danny Boy Remes with their favorite person, me.

She is going to be a punk rocker for sure. Just check out that attitude!

Uncle Adam helping Gloria pop a wheelie!

Jenny and Ben, upon Ben's first visit to my home . . . he was very nice to oooo and awwww at all of the improvements.

My nephew, Daniel David Remes, who just turned three on March 19th!

My nephew, James, with his heart-shaped leaf (a much happier alternative to Kurt Cobain's Heart-shaped Box).

Mt. Sinai

2009-03-14T08:48:00.003-05:00

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

I find this quote to be entirely too true. I have had a jumble of feelings during the past week that have been hard to sort through. They run the gamut from deep grief and sadness, to fear, to glowing love, to complete and utter confusion. It is a strange thing to be human and caught up in the whole idea of who we are and what we are doing. My sister and I always joke that we can't go a week without discussing and analyzing every relationship in our lives. It is a joke that is somehow true. Gladys, my grief counselor and Stephen Minister, has helped me put to words on several occasions the occurrence in grief of re-processing. As she puts it, "it seems there are a certain amount of revolutions through your mind that each event has to go through." Some weeks I am reprocessing my good times with Kevin, the laughter and love, the deep respect and commitment, and all that was bright and beautiful about him. Other weeks I reprocess the darker places, the times that I was so scared for him, the ways in which he changed that I just couldn't understand, and of course the terror of losing him and not knowing how to live life without him by my side. The past few weeks I have primarily been reliving the good parts. I had a fantastic dream in which I was able to hold him, to tell him how much I love him, and to assure him (and myself) of how thankful I am to have had him in my life. I have probably said this before, but the entire time I knew Kevin there was a sense of urgent need to be with him. It scared me at times, because the feeling was the most intense thing I have ever experienced, a part from my connection to God. There was something about needing to be near each other that catapulted our affection to full grown love and admiration. Although it may seem strange to others, I still feel that connection when I am near our grave. It is something I can't describe, other than to say that it is the most base human physical pull to the space where I know his body is. I feel the connection when I stop to hold his things - his leather jacket, his wallet, his watch, his t-shirts and his daughter - but it isn't the same as being near him. Perhaps it is the same magnetism I feel towards God - to be in a sanctuary or out deep in the wilderness alone is a different kind of connection than being at home with my Bible reading or praying. There are parts of life that just feel sacred and a little "closer" to God, like Moses on Mt Sinai, where you almost have to shield your face upon your return for fear the glow of God will blind others.

I awoke to birds chirping this morning. Corny, but true!

2009-03-05T15:41:00.001-06:00

The past few days have been very positive for me. Gloria and I have spent the past two days running around outside sucking up all of the fresh air we can take. This weekend will mark the official Spring preparation, starting with some maitenance on my bicycle and a scrubbing for my car. It feels very good to enjoy being outside instead of making a mad dash from the door to the car and vice versa.On another positive note, my ad on Craig's list has already yielded some great results. I was given the sage advice that if I love to write resumes I might as well market the skill, upon which another friend suggested Craig's list. I really enjoy helping people with their resumes and also getting to know them and what their goals are. It is nothing fancy, but if you want to check it out here is the link:http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vY2hpY2Fnby5jcmFpZ3NsaXN0Lm9yZy9jaGMvcmVzLzEwNTE1OTE1NTUuaHRtbA==Finally, my cooking skills continue to improve. I am teaching a knife skills class in a couple of weeks and want to be sure I don't slice off a finger or something during the demonstration. So, I have been happily slicing, dicing and chopping away in the evenings and enjoying the tastey benefits of the practice. Mind you, I am not doing a knife tricks class so don't expect me to toss things in the air and flip shrimp into your pocket. Tomorrow is another one of my Friday evening gatherings with friends for good food and board games. This week we are making Coq Au Vin, a wine based slow cooking sauce poured over chicken breast and served with hot, buttery noodles. I am getting hungry even thinking about it now. In a purely comforting fashion I have also made my mother's famous Cowboy Cookies. Life is good.

I will survive! Gloria Henry vs. Gloria Gaynor

2009-02-26T23:17:00.005-06:00

I am writing on a thunderous Thursday evening. Today I was the lucky recipient of a Major Meltdown, compliments of Miss G. I went to the mall with Julie and found the cutest Wizard of Oz mug at Gloria Jeans. When I took the mug from her to pay for it she decided it was time to freak out. We got to watch her scream and flail about for a good 20 minutes before she calmed down enough to strap her into her stoller. When Gloria is passionate about something, she makes it known. So, I survived my first major public embarrassment with my toddler. Gloria Gaynor made the phrase, "I will survive" famous, and Gloria Henry is mounting a strong argument for the contrary.

Happy Birthday to Jenny!

2009-02-24T08:19:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday to Jenny! 28 is a special age, one of those milestones that isn't marked by anything other than an ascention to a new level of maturity in your own brain.

2009-02-22T16:01:00.005-06:00

Today I taught my second cooking class, Simple Soups. It was a great success (in my opinion). I really enjoyed teaching and felt fairly relaxed during the whole thing. The first class I taught I felt as though I spoke really fast and I finished in half an hour. Today I talked for the full hour, showed them how to make Potato Leek soup from scratch and the yummy chicken Thai soup starter from W.S. I had never made anything with leeks before this week, and now I feel like I can pick them out, wash them and prepare them with no problem. It feels good to learn something new and useful, to expand my brain a little and to feel inspired to try new things. This week I am setting some higher goals. I have been running (on the treadmill) or going on the elliptical daily, but only for 15-30 minutes for the most part. My goal this week is to run 30-45 minutes. I have to ease into things because of my fibromyalgia, but I feel so much more energy now that I am exercising again. I also saw my doctor this week and discovered I had a ridiculously low vitamin D level. So, within the next two weeks I should start to feel even better as my levels rise to normal. So, cheers to feeling the happiness that I kept telling myself would come.

Life Is Good

2009-02-21T19:04:00.003-06:00

The past couple of weeks have brought some positive changes. I got to go to the auto show, which I always love, I had my carpets cleaned after all of my flooding issues, and I got to see two of my best friends on the same day. Sometimes it seems as though I have to be brought to my knees before I can be lifted up. I am never sure why it has to be that way, but it is a comfort in the worst of times to believe that things will get better.

Friday was a busy day. One of my best friends, Jenny, came to the 'ville for a visit and we got to just hang out and chat. Jenny is always a ray of sunshine, and yesterday was no exception. She brought me the most lovely bright pink measuring bowl with a spout. It is the perfect addition to my kitchen, which is slowly converting to lots of pink accents. Then, we went to the Chinese Kitchen for lunch, which has the best lunch for $6.00. It may be the Scot in me, or perhaps it is my midwestern nature, but food tastes better when it is a good deal. If you haven't been to the Chinese Kitchen for lunch, do it. Finally, we went to TJ Maxx in search of running shoes and a good winter hat, of which we found neither.

As if the day weren't fantastic enough, I had my other best friend, Michelle (aka Booger) stop by for dinner along with my brother, Adam, his girlfriend, Julie, and our friend, Matt. I made a Thai chicken soup as a practice for the class I am teaching Sunday morning. We played Catchphrase and Outburst Remix. I am always thrilled when I can get someone to play a board game with me. Life is Good.

Now you come and bring out the tears in me . . .

2009-02-12T16:21:00.004-06:00

Gloria and I have been battling a nasty case of the stomach flu for the past week or so. There is nothing quite so humbling as laying on the floor, face pressed against a vomit soaked towel and so tired and breathless you can't even lift yourself up. So, you crawl across the floor and collapse on the hall carpeting, thankful to be breathing and for the moment not burning up with fever. This is the lowlight of the past few days for me. On the upside, I am finally recovering and Gloria seems to be in the clear as well. Ah, the glory days of February . . .

Little Gloria in her spring hopeful dress

2009-02-03T22:50:00.000-06:00

Papa Jim's Little Helper

2009-02-01T21:52:00.003-06:00

Surfacing

2009-01-31T09:29:00.001-06:00

Ok, I lied. This weekend is going to suck. Last night my plumbing issue resurfaced and I am back to no working water until Monday, because Lord knows I can't afford to pay a plumber to work on Saturday or Sunday. I didn't think much could get me down but now I am just going to go with the flow (water pun intended) even though it's taking me down the drain. I was supposed to cook today and go out to the movies, and instead I get to clean up nasty water and probably eat something off of the $1 menu at McDonalds. Will someone just shoot me? Sorry to be negative but I kept trying to push past the crazy things of this week (can anyone say small house fire and a two year old with an Aleve stuck up her nose?) and the negative has pushed back and knocked me over. At least I am keeping my sense of humor about all of this.

War and Peace

2009-01-29T13:23:00.000-06:00

I have been working like crazy the past week. The cool thing is that I love my job and I am getting opportunities to learn more about cooking and baking. This Saturday I am making Coq Au Vin, a supposedly delicious recipe made with chicken breast and a divine sauce. I am also going to go hunting for the right 1,000 piece puzzle to begin one of my “list” items. I tend to like puzzles that are not actual pictures, but drawings of nature, etc. I like pictures and puzzles that I can look at and picture myself in the place. I have always been a daydreamer, but in the winter months it becomes a purposeful hobby. In addition to daydreaming, I have also been writing more productively. I find writing to be a good pre-motivator for doing. So, once something has cycled through my brain and out onto paper I am much more likely to follow through with it. I pulled out my copy of War and Peace (thank you Adam!) and I am ready to begin anew. For those of you unaware of my history with War and Peace, I began the novel my junior year of high school and made it 800 pages before I had to put it on hold for schoolwork. By the time I made it back I could no longer remember the names and the plot well enough to keep going from that point. So, I have carried it with me all of these years hoping to forgive myself for not finishing It the first time and get the courage to start it once more. Of course, if anything stops me mid-book this time it will have to be death, because I am not going to carry it around for another ten years.

Midnight Prayer

2009-01-24T15:30:00.002-06:00

In the silence of a midnight prayer
As I lay awake in loneliness and fear
I hear your sweet voice saying my name
And reassuring my heart that you'll take my pain.
Throughout these long and weary days
I begin losing hope and my faith starts to fray
But when I am alone in that desperate place
You humble my spirit and lift up my face
And into my weak body Your energy flows,
As you awaken my desire and revive my very soul.

Video of Gloria's Diary

2009-01-18T21:54:00.002-06:00

2009-01-17T12:53:00.003-06:00

In my life I have made a lot of good and bad decisions, but as I get older I find it is easier to admit when good decisions have gone bad. That being said I shall explain the saga of Boodles Pookerton. I have decided to give Boodles to my sister and her family. Although I had the best of intentions when getting mr boodles, it quickly seemed to spiral out of my realm of comfort. He was just being a puppy - however, I was obviously not equipped to deal with a puppy. So, truthfully, I feel great relief that he is with a family that wants him and loves him. He is already totally bonded with their dog, Ziggy. I am fairly certain that they will change his name. I know it is shocking that they wouldn't want to keep the name Boodles Pookerton. I should mention that Ziggy's full name is Zigglesferd Q. Cuddlesworth. So, God continues to keep me quite humble. Every time I start to think I am letting things get out of my control I am reminded that they weren't in my control to begin with. Amen!

Boodles Pookerton in mid January!

2009-01-12T23:59:00.000-06:00

Boodles Pookerton in mid December

2009-01-12T23:57:00.000-06:00

2009-01-11T01:15:00.002-06:00

I drank an iced tea at 7:00 tonight and now I am awake at 1:15. I really need to stick to my no caffeine rule. On a really positive note, a group of girlfriends and I are going to do a 2009 Get Healthy Challenge! Of course, I am already creating an Excel spreadsheet to track our progress. Nothing motivates me like the opportunity to overly organize.

Into the Woods

2009-01-04T21:43:00.003-06:00

I have had no good blogs to bring in my general attitude for the new year. I guess I thought that at this point being a parent would be easier, feeling good about myself would come more naturally, and I would know what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. Instead, this year has begun like so many other, with confusion, anxiety, distress, and a vague sense of dread. I feel like a negative nelly when I start listing off the bad things, but I feel as though I need to get them out before I can release them and go onto the good. So, the past few weeks have been chaotic:
None of my friends came to my housewarming party
Right after that party my entire plumbing system flooded and I couldn't use my water for several days.
I found out that a lot of my hours at work are being cut back because of the lousy economy.
I got sick with the stomach flu
My daughter fell and split her head open, and I handled it like a complete nutcase by throwing up and crying hysterically.
So, perhaps there is some opportunity for improvement this year. I figure it is only January 8th so I have lot of time to turn this thing around. My first "resolution" is to try to feel more healthy. My fibromyalgia and TMJ have ruled my life for so long, and now I just want to feel good again. I am thinking of starting a little "healthy choices" club with some cool rewards and comradory. If anyone is interested, please let me know! My second resolution is to start really writing again. It has been a long time since I have both written and gone back to edit and improve what I wrote. It is about time that I pay attention to that. Finally, I want this year to reflect a stronger financial plan. I have been so overloaded for so long that I have put nothing in savings and have no idea from month to month what I am doing.

There are a lot of things I can't control. I can't control whether or not I find love again; I can't control exactly how my fibromyalgia is going to affect me; I can't control Gloria being an overwhelming child at times. However, I can get myself in better shape, take time to pray and meditate, eat more healthy choices and find a way to laugh about some of the hard things.

This entry seems really personal and very generic at the same time. Oh well, it's a start. And off I go . . .

Choo-choo! 2009 is here!

2009-01-01T21:15:00.012-06:00

Well, I finally entered a new year with smiles and laughter instead of crying and pain. I took the train into the city to hang out with my friend, Mike, and some of his buddies. At first I was a little stressed about the whole idea, just because there were a million people on the train, it would be my first night away from Gloria, and I wasn't going to know anyone at the party except for Mike. However, I ended up having a fantastic time! We went out to a Japanese restaurant and I tried eel (gasp!) and liked it! I like the idea of welcoming the new year with doing something new. I was most certainly out of my comfort zone, but at the same time I felt great about it. Mike is one of the coolest guys ever. He loves to write, he loves to dance, and he is in a band called Patience Gloria. Could he be any cooler? It is an odd thing in life to re-discover someone. Mike is someone that I have known a very long time, but only as Sarah's brother. Now, I feel like I can claim his as my own friend as well.

My house warming party went all right. The turn out was less than I had hoped but a lot of wonderful people were there. Karen, Kevin's boss from Mail Boxes Etc. was the first to arrive, then Nana Marion, who helped me arrange all of the desserts. My mother in law was in and out all day doing everything from cooking the chili, to carrying boxes into the garage and setting up the plates and cutlery. She really deserves most of the credit for the party. My parents, my brother Adam and his girlfriend, Julie, came as well as Bobby. Ryan Phelan, a friend I haven't seen in years actually came out, which was really sweet. A lot of my mother in law's friends cam, which was nice. I thought it was strange that not one of my really close friends made it, but oh well.

I am hoping that this new year will mark some new priorities in my life. One priority will be to actually start living my "Before I die" list. I really want to try skiing for the first time. I already cooked a full turkey for Thanksgiving last year. And so the list goes on and so does life. I have included a few housewarming party photos.

New house pictures . . . still under construction :-)

2008-12-13T21:49:00.003-06:00

2008-12-03T12:51:00.001-06:00

Just a quick note to say I spent my first night in my new house. It was strange, sad and wonderful. It has already begun to feel like home because everywhere I look someone I love has helped me to fix it up. There is still a lot to be done but it is happening a lot faster now. Hopefully by the end of the upcoming weekend I will have the majority of my things out of boxes and into their new spaces. The initial lonliness of the night was offset by dinner with my in-laws and then my brother, Adam and his girlfriend, Julie coming to share wine and chat. I won't have my internet and cable hooked up until tomorrow so for now I am writing this during a quick visit to my parents to get a few more things. Ah, what will life be like when I am no longer moving?

Thanksgiving Pictures (starting with my turkey!!!!)

2008-11-28T19:49:00.006-06:00

A Thanksgiving Day Moment

2008-11-27T13:26:00.004-06:00

Today I spent a few brief minutes alone. I was driving to Walgreens for, what else, but last minute tapered candles. What is Thanksgiving without tapered candles? I broke down. Not literally, but emotionally. I needed Kevin, I had to have him with me, and I could not bear the thought that he was nowhere to be found. As I headed home I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of family members. Unfortunately, as time goes by people become less and less equipped to deal with grief. There is a sense of "get on with your life already!" When I tell people I have had a tough day or I am sad the response is no longer, "I understand, it's ok to be upset," but more along the lines of "was this because of something new or the same old reasons." They do not mean to be cold, but it can be exhausting to watch someone else grieve in what seems like an endless process of sadness and tears. So, when I got home I pulled the turkey out of the oven to "rest," bundled up Gloria, put Bailey on his leash and headed for a brief walk. As we were walking through the park across the street I felt that overwhelming sadness building up again. I thought, "I am so selfish, Lord, but I need a sign. I know I shouldn't ask for signs, but I need a sign. I need to know that Kevin still sees me and loves me. I can't get through this day without him." I knew it was wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, just human, but nevertheless not really fair to demand signs from God. Then, the strangest thing happened. I looked up and saw a "toy" airplane flying through the air. I didn't see any person and I couldn't even hear the tiny engine chugging away against the force of the wind, just this white plane with a red stripe down both sides. It was hurling itself into the sky, dropping down, swirling and then gracefully floating back up again. I stood paralyzed, mesmerized by this obvious sign of God and Kevin literally flying in the face of all my doubts.

As an aside, in case some of you didn't know Kevin personally, he built model airplanes with tiny engines and big wings and flew them with his "model airplane club" at the Springbrook Forest Preserve in Naperville. Kevin absolutely loved this hobby, and only gave it up when he decided to propose to me and put his money towards our life together. Whenever Kevin and I drove down Naperville-Plainfield road (which was a lot considering it was on the way to his parents house) he would crane his neck and look up for signs of the model airplanes in the sky. I have never seen a model airplane flown outside of that miniature airfield until today.

A message from Ivan

2008-11-20T22:51:00.002-06:00

Ivan is a very dear longtime family friend. He sent me this email with a wonderful testament to the love of his life, Laura, and her twin sister, Michelle It is definitely worth checking out:

Here is a news segment that Laura and Michelle were interviewed for. For those of you who haven’t met them yet, Laura is my girlfriend and Michelle is her twin. They both have Ushers Syndrome which means that they were born deaf and are slowly losing their eyesight. For the longest time they were uncomfortable with letting people know about this condition in fear of being pitied or treated different, but recently they are willing to share this about themselves in the hope to help others. I am filled with pride that Laura is not letting this condition be the end of her life and ambition, I always say one of the reasons I fell in love with her is that she refuses to give up; she won’t allow herself to wallow in self-pity and say that her independence and life’s ambitions are gone to her. Instead she finds a way to work through all of the difficulties (some of you would include me as one of the difficulties J ) in her life and excels at whatever she puts her energy into. I truly think she is an example that will help someone get through their own personal difficulty and Laura may never even be aware of how she helped. Also I recommend picking up the book “my Maggie” that this news segment is about as it is a great story of love and overcoming life’s challenges, plus all the proceeds are donated to lighthouse for the blind and American cancer society.

Feel free to forward this email to anyone who you think would appreciate it.
http://www.wgntv.com/video/?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=3139449

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-11-18T00:34:00.002-06:00

I am not sure if it is just my mind playing tricks on me, but I suddenly feel more positive about life. Being 28 doesn't mean a lot to me, except that I finally caught up with Kevin. He was 28 when he died and stopped getting birthdays. So, now I am in his age, and a little nervous about discovering life beyond 28. I know that it sounds stupid and perhaps it actually makes no sense at all. This year it seems like the day just passed right by. It didn't feel like a birthday. Perhaps that is what I miss most about being a kid - not my birthday in particular - but just feeling like the excitement of the moment was collectively shared. Now, my birthday just feels like another day, my wedding anniversary just feels like another day, and any other tiny personal holidays that mattered to Kevin and I no longer matter. It used to be that November 26th was the day we started dating, our first Christmas together was the new millenium, the first snow meant watching Edward Scissorhands, July 11th was his original sobriety date, Halloween was when we went on a church retreat and got to know each other, June 8th was the day he proposed. It's like all of these little days became important, centered around a theme meant to engage us in each other's day. I mean, we could really laugh together. I knew exactly what to say to him on the office phone that was technically appropriate but he and I knew why it was so funny. I knew that if I came home and asked if he wanted to drive over to Fry's electronics and look around he was as happy as if I gave him tickets for a cruise. Kevin just was the event. I miss knowing him that way, and I miss someone knowing me that way. Sometimes I just feel so very isolated. I feel like I am this fragment in the universe just floating around and bumping into other people's complete lives. I feel like my family is gone. Perhaps that is what makes me so angry at Kevin sometimes. He went through all of the effort of becoming a family with me and then died, leaving me in a broken home, a broken body, and a broken heart.

I guess that this isn't the most uplifting thing I could write about on my birthday. I should probably say that this past weekend was filled with love from the people who care so much about me. My friend Jenny drove from Evanston on Friday night to eat pizza with me and vent, Saturday my mom took Gloria so I could get a haircut for the first time in six months, and Saturday night my friend Sarah took the train in from the city to spend the evening with me. Sunday I had a good day at work and when I left I packed an over night bag and headed to my sister's house. For once Gloria wasn't clinging to my leg the entire time. An old friend was there, which made me nervous at first because I still care about him. However, I found we could talk and joke and laugh just like before, and he even talked everyone into playing on of my favorite games, "CatchPhrase." Finally, my sister and I got to spend all day with my nephews, James and Danny, to get them to have their pictures taken professionally. It was wonderful. James was so good with Gloria that I was actually able to doze for a little bit while they played! So, as you can see God does even out my sadness with my blessings. As the verse on my headstone reads: He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. (Psalm 126:6). I may not know much, but I know this much is true.

ze Booger

2008-11-12T13:48:00.004-06:00

Quote of the day: "I don't really know much about the situation so I can't really give an opinion, but I'm going to anyway"
This was my friend, Booger's, comment during our conversation last week. I can always count on ze booger for an interesting phrase to mull over for days after we talk. She is living in Hawaii at the moment. I know, you're all thinking, wow that is a nice vacation, but it's actually a big hurdle for her. She went there to be with a friend who's husband is overseas in the Marines and has forged ahead, as always. She is full of smart comments and observations, and she is never too proud to laugh at herself. I miss her all the way in Hawaii. It was so strange to see the first snow and realize she wasn't seeing it too.

Shock and Awe, or should I say "Awwwwww"

2008-11-10T19:17:00.002-06:00

Yet another step . . .

2008-11-10T15:31:00.003-06:00

Today I went with my mother-in-law to order carpeting from, none other than, Luna. I have been looking for awhile and just haven't had time to think it through. So, we walked into Luna today (I had the song from their commercial running through my head the entire time) and the first man to greet me took us to the back of the store where they had a children's room with a flat screen tv, a miniature red kitchen, puzzles and books. You'd think Gloria would be fascinated, but instead she wanted to take her shoes off and run barefoot through the store feeling all of the different carpeting on her toes. That is Kevin's daughter, always wanting to get a feel for things in the most physical way possible. Next, the manager came out to help me. He was tall and had a shock of red hair. Earlier in the day we had lunch at Corner Bakery and the fellow clearing our table was a true redhead. I was captivated by that "Kevin red" hair that I don't often see in grown men. I can't explain it, but his hair was such a particular shade of red changing to blonde at the base of his neck, and I only recognize that color when I see it. So, this young man at Corner Bakery had started my mind turning and an overall feeling that Kevin was really with me today, and then seeing the red-head at Luna cemented that emotion. Granted, the Luna man had a different red, but it was still something that gave me comfort. Not many people will say they chose to buy carpeting at a particular store because of the sale person's hair color, but then again not many people chose their place of employment based on good lighting. I guess I am somewhat ruled by intuition, but that is ok too. My mother in law was surprised that I had picked the carpeting and ordered it so quickly, but I just knew. To really seal my good feeling about the store I noticed one last detail as I filled out the paperwork - sitting on the desk was the business card of a close Henry family friend, the son of the couple that founded Kensington Homes. I saw the Kensington logo and then noticed that the name on the card was familiar. It turns out that Sean had been in the day before to pick out a runner for his home. He lives in Hinsdale so it was quite an oddity that he came all the way to Rt 59 in Naperville to get a runner, but it just solidified my overall good vibe. A long story to make a short point: I feel that God has been looking over me and that there have been signs of his love showing up the more I look - from a rainbow to a business card to a familiar shade of red caught in the corner of my eye.

Flooring is Finito!

2008-11-08T21:46:00.001-06:00

The floor crew this past weekend!

2008-11-05T16:25:00.001-06:00

Floor installation has begun

2008-11-03T20:04:00.003-06:00

This past weekend marked the beginning of phase II of my house construction: the flooring. Uncle Jerry, Aunt Cheryl, Daniel, and Aunt Sandy all came to help me get started. Uncle Jerry was armed with a saw and a full toolbelt. It was hard work but we also had a lot of fun. Daniel was the "foreman," directing us all and keeping us motivated. By the end we were all singing the Good N' Plenty choo-choo song and craving the candy. Yeah for one more step in the right direction!

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T21:06:00.007-05:00

As you can see, Gloria and Bailey were bumblebees and the Dan Duncan clan were all penguins (or, as my father in law would say, penguinis). This is technically Gloria's third Halloween. Somehow, it seems like the first "real" halloween because she cared what her costume was and she actually got the significance of complete strangers opening their doors and giving treats just because they are nice. What I have found fascinating is the fact that some neighborhoods are FLOODED with children of all ages racing up and down the driveways and eagerly grabbing that shiny wrapper with triumph and awe. Then there are the other neighborhoods, in particular my in-laws neighborhood. They are just a few miles south of my parents home in Naperville, yet they are lucky to get even 2 trick or treaters at their door. Long before Kevin and I were married and Gloria was not yet a twinkle in our eyes, my in-laws have dreamt of the day that the trick or treaters might come. This year, mostly because of Gloria, they turned their front yard into a magical Halloween land with ghosts in the trees, cute pumpkins smiling down the path, and giant spiders on lit up webs across the porce. Still, they had one trick or treater, Miss Gloria H. I want to know! Why do some areas get hordes of children while others scrape the very bottom of the barrell. What is it? I want to know. I want to start a charity that sends kids to all neighborhoods equally. Would that be something people would be interested in helping to support? I know I would. There is nothing more sad than grown ups in orange and black shirts hovering at the staircase with their basket of candy and straining to hear if a group of trick or treaters will come pattering up the drive. Only to realize it was a rabbit or a squirrel or one of the halloween decorations blowing in the wind.

Not So Distant Reality

2008-10-27T15:56:00.005-05:00

This weekend marked a big change in my new home. Friday my friend, Mike, came out from the city and helped me all day long. He primed a room, painted a ceiling, helped me carry cases of flooring into the house and even cleaned my refridgerator (an entire case of diet Pepsi exploded in it a while back). Then, Saturday, Sunday and Monday J.R. and Juan finished the painting. They have done a phenomenal job with every room, caulking and painting doors and trim, fixing little flaws and making it look brand new. I am so excited! This means that I can move onto Phase II this weekend: putting in the flooring! Oh, living there is starting to feel like less of a dream and more of a not-so-distant reality.

Phrasology

2008-10-23T19:40:00.006-05:00

Gloria has been her usual adorable self lately, only with more words to express herself. Some of her favorite phrases are, "Um, how about we go to Costco?", "Papa is fixing the drywall," and "Halloween!!!! Oh, it makes me a little scared though." I am always amazed at the new words she has picked up. Last night when I got off of work I called my mother-in-law's cell phone to see if they were dropping Gloria off; Gloria picked up the phone and said, "Hi Mommy, we are at Home Depot!" Sure enough, they were shopping at Home Depot before heading over to my house. So, never underestimate the skills of a two year old to pick up on anything and everthing.

Today is my brother's girlfriend, Julie's, birthday. As you can tell, Uncle Adam was in a particularly good mood. Yeah! I only wish I were still small enough to have a horsey back ride!

She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie green ladybug bikini

2008-10-16T08:57:00.001-05:00

Red Ball Project

2008-10-15T17:04:00.002-05:00

This past summer there was a Target-sponsored artistic venture called The Red Ball Project. Basically, this giant soft red ball toured the country while the artist captured people's reactions. While checking out the website I noticed a familiar little girl in her green two-piece swimsuit - here is the link:
Red Ball Project
Obviously, she is a star in the making :-)

Two Little Buggers

2008-10-14T17:21:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me?

2008-10-08T21:28:00.003-05:00

This Friday I am finally going to have a night out. I am going to the CD release party for the band, Patience Gloria, in Chicago. One of the band members/song writer is my good friend, Sarah's, brother. I like to think that my little Gloria was an unconscious inspiration for the band. It has been quite some time since I have gone anywhere social without Gloria, especially something that sounds as cool as a CD release party :-)

I have been trying to rework my lifestyle lately, but have fallen into a bad rut for the past few days. It seems like all my brain wants is refined sugar, and I have obliged it early and often. So, part of my writing tonight is to try and get myself back on track. Lately, I feel like I have written a lot of words without much actual connection to my psyche. So, while it may be alarming to some, for me it is just what I need to do. My true goals are:
1. Get my fibromyalgia under control without the use of major opiad pain medications.
2, Get my energy level up without aggravating my fibromyalgia and TMJ symptoms.
3. Eat better to lose weight and help my other health issues.
4, Figure out how to start a work out program that won't make me feel worse and shut down.

I know that these ideas feel overwhelming. It is like "where do I start?" in trying to get together. It seems like I am stuck in my head every day and not sharing what I made for dinner or if I got any exercise. I want to find some time of Instant Messanger accountability so that even if I can't find a workout partner near by I could at least have some online support and comradery. The problem is, I am not motivated by strangers. So, what I want is someone to check in with me of what I have eaten, what my victories have been, my failures, and my plan to meet my goals the next day. I know this is all over the place.

The truth is, I am in constant pain. On a good day I can function at a low level for a few hours and get laundry done or grocery shopping completed. On a bad day I can't hardly get out of bed to eat, dread walking to the bathroom, lay in bed with muscles clenched in pain and my fists held tightly to my chest. I feel completely depressed on these days, No one understands why I just shut down. It is so painful it makes me wish I were brave enough to just end it all. I am scared for myself and I don't know how to change this. I am so alone, and I feel like I have nothing to offer this world. I am just a worn out and confused woman who is needy and poor. I don't even feel like a good mother. I just don't have the energy to do it, What is wrong with me?